Gunslinger's Hymnal

The Story of Fernando, pt. 3

2009-02-16T05:08:00.006+01:00

Thistle fought her tired limbs as the hole under the cottonwoods grower larger. Fatigue began to slow her pace as the promise of security neared. She could hear the panting of the wolves behind her grow nearer. Conjuring up the last of her reserves she picked up the pace.
A black wolf snarled hungrily launched itself from behind a tree. Its lean muscles stretched as it leapt down upon her. Its relatively ponderous mass couldn’t adjust in time as Thistle agilely turned at the last moment, dodging his slavering jaws and raking his chest with her short but sharp antlers. Interceptor snarled in pain and wheeled about, his teeth snapping shut with a snap. It was too late for him though, Thistle had made it into the burrow.
The smell of earth and frightened rabbits engulfed Thistle as she crawled through the burrow, careful not to snag her antlers on roots hanging from the tunnel’s ceiling. After a few yards of crawling she came across a brace of rabbits cowering together in a larger chamber.
“Alright plebs, how the hell do I get out of here?”

“So what’s yer plan Fern?” Stump asked worriedly as he watched the wolves circle the tree.
“What’s YOUR plan?” Fernando replied testily.
“How about the three of us just leave?” A third voice came from behind them. The two young bucks spun to see another Jackelope standing behind them, tapping the tip of her paw to the ground to show impatience.
“Well, hello love, my name is Fernan-“
“Goddamnit not now Fern,” Stump said sharply. “Lead the way miss and you tell us what’s goin’ on when we get away.”
Then they ran for all they were worth.

Leader watched Interceptor squirm in the dirt until he found a way to lick at the shallow cut on his chest. “Failure.” Leader growled.
Interceptor merely whined and continued to lick at his wound.
On the outskirts of the pack Chaser sniffed the air, then let out a low growl. Chaser and Chaser broke from the pack and trotted over to Chaser and began to test the air as well. Leader noticed their agitation and joined them. The scent was unmistakable, Shepherd had found them. Leader’s tail dropped between his legs as he realized the kind of trouble he would be in if his pack couldn’t dig out their prey.
Leader watched as Shepherd’s thick form emerged from over the hill. The wolves hadn’t figured out what he was yet besides danger. He was shaped like them, but thickly built and coated in long grey and white fur. As far as they could tell he had no eyes over his nose and killing mouth, just a mound of the same thick fur coming off of his brow. All they knew is he came from where people were.
Leader shimmied along the ground toward Shepherd. He knew how dangerous Shepherd could be, and took special pains to make no dominant gestures. If the Chasers would help they could easily overpower the larger animal, but after the Shepherd tore the throat out of the old Leader the Chasers obeyed his authority. If there was a fight it would have to be between Leader and Shepherd alone.
Shepherd’s bob tail twitched. “Why isn’t it dead, Leader?” It wondered.
“Runs fast. In holes. Jackelopes hide with rabbits. Interceptor failed,” Leader whined, and then pled, “No hurt, no kill.”
“No, Leader,” Shepherd said, “The rabbits have another hole you’ve missed, and your quarry has already escaped you with two others. This troubles me, Leader, but you are fortunate that I don’t believe your current Interceptor would have done any better a job as Leader than you have. So- Good News!- you live to serve me yet. Now, they’ve gone south, how about you follow them, yes?”
The wolves began to run.

“No,” Thistle said, “I don’t know why he wants me dead. He’s just a fucking psychopathic dog,” and this was mostly true.

Yay Apple! The Invincible Computer!

2009-01-27T10:21:00.002+01:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nf/64230;_ylt=Ap.c2OKC6BXxSkxrm_.mn7cjtBAF
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nf/20090126/bs_nf/64290;_ylt=AnU11Q1kilvlkSfL1Ji.9HIjtBAF

Justin Long, shut the hell up.

Thought for the Day

2008-12-07T06:50:00.003+01:00

Women have been my trouble since I found out they weren't men.
-Waylon Jennings "A Long Time Ago."

Thought for the Day

2008-12-05T07:05:00.001+01:00

Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!
-Studio Foglio's "Girl Genius"

The Story of Fernando, pt. 2

2008-11-23T08:55:00.000+01:00

There was a blur of legs and Stump saw his life unfurl before his eyes. The memories were vague at first. The warmth of his mother’s soft fur. The flavor of his first truffle. Sunlight on green grass. As he became older they became more complex. Old Master Rock training them to fight the enemies of their kind. The hint of fear in his sparring partner’s eyes and he tensed to lash out with his muscular hind leg. Pain. The smell of the stinging herbs his mother chewed to a pulp and smeared on his cuts. Fern being an incorrigible ass. The bees chasing them because Fern tried to steal their honey, not to eat, but to smear on Stump to get the bees to chase him anyway. Fern proudly declaring it a half success as he pulled a sting out of his ear. The day they left home. The sorrowful look on their mother’s face.
The sudden pain in his chest brought him back to reality, and then the wolves were past them. The leader of the pack fell to the ground heavily and rolled to a stop. The pack did not slow as it closed the hole and continued the chase. Fernando and Stump were sprawled out on the ground, covered in the dirt and loose grass kicked up by the charging wolves.
Fernando coughed. “That was a fucking bad plan.”
Stump merely groaned and rubbed the spot where the lead wolf’s ankle caught him in the ribs. Eventually he said, “Hey, we took down a wolf by ourselves.” He tried to smile optimistically but inside he was worried. He had panicked. He wasn’t supposed to panic, he was supposed to fight.
“He tripped over our feeble little bodies you dunce!” Fernando shouted, hobbling over to his still prone brother. “Did you really think that we could fight one wolf, much less an entire pack?”
“Well why’d ya follow me in?” Stump winced as he spoke.
“Shut up.”

Leader was surprised as he flew through the air. He knew he tripped on something. It was soft and small, and it wasn’t there a moment ago. Now Leader was flying. In the distance he could see Interceptor moving between their quarry and the cottonwood grove. Then he rotated and all he could see was the rush of the Chasers as the dashed past him, undaunted. Leader had a moment of pleasure as he considered the relentless nature of his pack.
Then he hit the ground. There was pain, dull with pinpricks of sharp as rocks and stiff plants dug into his side. The impact beat a cloud of dust out of the dry ground that clogged his nose and mouth. Leader lay on the ground for a moment to regain his bearings. He turned towards some small noises that were coming from where he tripped. Two more like his quarry were lying on the ground. They looked like they were arguing. Leader considered killing them both, but he could feel the pack getting farther away with every moment and they were not the quarry. Leader loped away.

“Now what do you suggest we do?”
“Iunno. Go back after them?”
“What did I just say about fucking bad plans?”
“Gotta try.”

200th Post! The Story of Fernando pt. 1

2008-11-17T02:38:00.001+01:00

Yes, I am Writing a Story about This

“My name is Fernando los Ciervos del Conejo, and it is pleasure to have the company of such beautiful does such as yourselves,” He said in the voice that drifted between silk and smoke. He inhaled through a thin roll of herbs he had meticulously sought out and collected among the prairie grasses. He smoothed the soft fur on his muzzle and twitched his whiskers just so, causing them to gleam in the sun. He had spent months practicing the motion to appear nonchalant. There was a pause as the wind blew cottonwood fluff across the clearing, and a thin wisp tangled briefly in Fernando’s stately antlers.
“And I’m Stump!” His brother declared proudly in a brassy, low voice as he popped his head over Fernando’s shoulder. He absentmindedly chewed a wad of clover, shifting it back and forth between his oversized incisors. Fernando slumped slightly, his proud features sagging to a vague look of defeat.
The rabbits they spoke to continued to chew grass and twitched their ears slightly, oblivious to their would-be suitors. One hopped a few feet away, making only the slightest shuffling noise on the soft grass.
“Maybe we should try other Jackelopes, ya’ know? Least they can speak,” Stump suggested timidly. “Maybe we should go home Fern.”
Fernando battered Stump’s face feebly with his tiny forepaws. “You will never call me that name again! I am Fernando, Fernando los Ciervos del Conejo! And no, we cannot go home, not until I find my true love!”
Stump raised an eyebrow doubtfully as one of the rabbits nibbled at a dandelion. “One of these gonna be yer true love?”
“No you foolish fool! Of course not, they are mere hares where I am a stately Jackelope. But I have the heart of a lover, and with such a heart one is cursed to seek out passion wherever he might find it.” Fernando grasped his chest as he said this, feigning a face both melancholy yet hopeful.
“So, eh, yer a slut?”
“Let’s just say, dear brother, that I am good at laying women,” Fernando said haughtily. He then hopped on top of one of the does, who was more than happy to oblige him, that being the nature of rabbits.
Stump shrugged a little rabbitly shrug, considered one of the other does briefly, and decided he was better off keeping a look-out for eagles, owls, coyotes, and every other animal that enjoyed eating rabbits, hares, and bunnies. As a Jackelope he had nothing to fear, but as a Jackelope he knew it to be his duty to protect the lower species. That, and he was simply bored with the life of “adventure” his brother, then known merely as Fern- the name their loving mother had given him- had promised him when they left their warren for the vastness of the grasslands.
A black dot appeared on the horizon, backlit against the setting red sun. As it grew nearer it grew into the unmistakable silhouette of two long ears paralleling two stumpy antlers. It was running very fast. More dots began to appear behind it. They were bigger, much bigger, and gaining on the solitary runner. Then the howling began.
“Wolves!” Stump shouted, “Goddamnit Fern pull out, we’ve got work to do!”
“Its Fernando,” he remarked absently as he moved to stand with Stump.
The howling grew louder as the chase grew nearer the two. They could see the fleeing Jackelope clearly now, his eyes were wide with terror and his coat was matted and burred from days of hard travel. The brothers began to run to him in an attempt to disrupt his numerous pursuers. The wolves were arrayed in a wall of fur and slavering fangs.
“I think we’re fucked,” was the last thing said before they collided.

Thought for the Day

2008-11-09T17:55:00.002+01:00

Girls need attention, and boys need us.
-From "Reasons to Love You" by Meiko

Gunslinger's Hymn

2008-11-05T07:57:00.005+01:00

Lord, You have made me strong,
Although it's my life that is the cause.
Just once I wish you'd change the world,
So I won't need it all the time.

Lord, I no longer have a purpose,

Although there are some things I do.

Just once I wish you'd aim me,

So I'd have a path to wander on.

Lord, You give me what I need,
Although there are some things I want.
Just once I wish you'd help me,
So I can be content.

Lord, I know you are with me,
Although you remain silent.
Just once do I wish you'd make an appearance,
So I won't be so sure I'm wrong.

I've lead an easy life, oh Lord.
And for that I give you thanks.
But I envy those who have more,

And I envy all my friends.
I envy those who sin, good God,

I envy them for their means and for their ends.

I thank you, Lord,

For making me a man who won't give in.

But I am a fool for wanting,

And that is your fault too.
And though I know that I should change,
I'd rather just blame you.

But please, Lord, for old times sake,
Just give me what I'm due.
I could be happy with nothing,
If I knew it was from you.

Election Coverage 2008

2008-11-05T03:38:00.002+01:00

Congratulations Minnesota, your votes really didn't count!

2008-10-07T11:33:00.002+02:00

I am without captain or compass.
I am without course or chart.
I am guided by nothing but a vague current,
And the knowledge that if I go far enough I may yet see a dim light.

The skies have turned red.
I may yet see the suffering shore.
I pray only to find my way.

Yep

2008-09-04T04:47:00.001+02:00

Laundry Takes a Long Time

2008-07-10T09:14:00.004+02:00

1) Put your iTunes or other music player on Shuffle
2) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT (this is in capital letters, so it must be very serious. No hiding your showtunes, folks!)

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Everything’s Just Wonderful –Lily Allen (I felt this was a good start.)

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Wolves (Song of the Shepherd’s Dog) –Iron and Wine (Woof?)

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Faithful -Common (Not terribly deep.)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Live This Life –Big & Rich (I'm not terribly deep either, though.)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Let’s Go Kill That Bastard –Damon Albarn (Surprised?)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
We are the Champions -Queen (Who's this "we?")

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Voodoo -Godsmack (Nobody can describe the nature of my charm...)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Wonderboy –Tenacious D (Is what they think of me. Really!)

9) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots –The Flaming Lips (I'm pretty serious about daydreaming.)

10) WHAT IS 2+2?
Dueling Banjos (Yerp. Shore is.)

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Only Women Bleed –Alice Cooper (Current events... anyone?)

12) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Wanted Dead or Alive –Bon Jovi (I don't think I like where that one is going...)

13) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Long Train Running –The Doobie Brothers (GET IT!? GET IT?! HAHA! GodIhatethiscrap...)

14) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head -Gorillaz (And how!)

15) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Chase the Devil –Max Romeo (No comment. ;-) )

16) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Outside -Staind (I sleep in the yard 'cause I pee on the rug!)

17) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Welcome to Hell –Trace Adkins (I am more optimistic than this...)

18) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Immigrant Song –Led Zeppelin (BECAUSE I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!)

19) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
American Woman –Guess Who? (Hottt!)

20) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Necromancer –Gnarls Barkley (No, I'm the resurrection and the life!)

21) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not Big –Lily Allen (I'm the biggest, that's why I'm the boss!)

Stanza 6 of the Song of the Patrick

2008-05-25T20:28:00.003+02:00

Patrick's a man who thinks with his gut,
Feeding him well will put him in rut,
But don't think he's a man who cares only for lust,
Who's love will end when he can't see your bust.
Patrick is kind, and Patrick is loyal,
So feed him dessert and he'll make you a Boyle.

Ehf

2008-05-13T22:52:00.002+02:00

Most of my creative energy is going here. Go look.

I Has a Sad

2008-04-21T23:15:00.002+02:00

The Story of Shonk (Traditional, notation by Gunslinger)

2008-04-19T21:58:00.004+02:00

Well, I don't have any good stories that are about me conjured up right now... so I guess I'll tell you the story of Shonk, the Ork deity of Fertility. I don't recommend anyone actually read it.

Now, as we all know, orks do not have a traditional female fertility goddess representing the earth/harvest/etc. This is because orks do not believe in fertility. They believe in potency.
It is widely believed among the ork tribes that if a man is potent enough, he can impregnate anything. This results in some rather unfortunate contests among the younger male orks.
Central to this belief is the myth of the potency-diety Shonk, or his full name, Shonk-Wag-Thrakka. (Thrakka being the traditional appillation for ork warrior males.)

This is how it is told:

SHAAAAG! (This gets the attention of the crowd, and also challenges any listeners to one-on-one combat for the right to tell the best story.)
Sorry, it goes...
SHAAAAAG! I am telling you weaklings now the story of Shonk! Yes, SHONK! He is much more better than all of you!
There was a time, long ago, before the earth gave birth to the mountains, and the trees were from the soil, and the streams and lakes and animals walked the land.
During this time there were but the few First Orks (gods), trying to take their lands and defend them from the Dwarves and Elves and Humens. They struggled and toiled, all of them but Shonk.
While the other Firsts were busy building and fighting and crafting Shonk was busy hiding behind what we now call the Shonkbush (trans: bananna tree).
The other First would call to him.
"Shonk!" They would cry. "Shonk! Come lift this!"
"Shonk!" They woudl yell. "We need another spear to the line!"
"Shonk!" They would howl! "GET YOUR WORTHLESS ASS FROM OUT BEHIND THAT SHONKBUSH OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL CUT THAT FREAKISHLY DEFORMED DONG OFF OF YOU!"
And that is why Shonk hid behind the bush.
Because, you see, Shonk was the most potent ork to ever live.
Not like you.
Weakling.
Shonk had a massive peice, twice the length of the longest spear.
But this was the early times, before he knew he was special.
All he saw was his giant penis, so very different from the other orks.
And he was sad, and shamed, and they would make fun of him.
Well, one day, Auraka (The ork godess of winemaking/drinking/vomiting) was bent over, crushing the various berries she used to make the early spirits drank by the First to ease their thirst in battle and labor, and sitting around doing nothing when they could.
Shonk, unaware, stared at her shapely, thick legs and was quite taken with the sight.
Suddenly, he fell over and passed out.
All was black.
All was warm.
When he awoke, he found Auraka curled up next to him, quite asleep and smiling.
For you see, he had such a mighty erection there was no blood left for his brain, and although he suceeded in spearing the Firstess of Wines he had no way of knowing it.
But she did.
And from this day Auraka is credited with inventing sex and having the first ork child who is not important and nobody liked that much anyway.
This should remind you of yourself, wealkings. SHAAAAG!
Well, Auraka told all the other First of what had happened. The amazing sensation and the miraculous growth inside of her body.
Well, all of the other first wanted this to happen to them to.
Now Shonk was quite harassed! He cowered behind the Shonkbush as all the First gave up their duties to demand him repeat his preformance with Auraka.
But he could not, because he didn't remember what he did.
Well, many days passed after the First finally stopped hounding Shonk and went back to their various crafts. And it took these many days for Glor to hear what had happened.
Now Glor was a smart ork. (In fact, Glor is the toungeless ork god of knowledge.)
Not like you.
And he knew exactly what happened.
Of course, as we all know, he couldn't tell anyone what the phenomenon was.
So, to help things along, Glor slowly, always slowly, came down from his cave high on the mountain and found Carloa. (The ork godess of curvey things orks like.)
He took her to the Shonkbush that Shonk hid behind all day and, ripping off her few ragged furs, whistled for Shonk's attention.
Shonk's aim was not as miraculous as the first time.
But he was out cold, and in timber form.
This is all Glor needed.
First Carloa made the second child, who was a little more liked than the first but still insolent.
But Glor had other ideas for the unconcious Shonk.
He called all the First back to the Shonkbush.
Even the men.
Especially the men.
Because Glor had a theory.
Theory is big word for idea.
Real good idea.
Better idea than you have.
Fuck you.
Shaaag.
Where was I?
Ah.
First to go was Porgon.
Glor tripped him, and as he fell his ear was penetrated by Shonk.
From this penetration came a thought.
And Porgon went on to make steel.
Next was Teekagkh. He did not fall for Glor's trickery, but he wanted something as well.
He searched his body for a place to put Shonk, and eventually put him in his belly.
From this burst the dog, our always hungry friends.
Teekagkh died.
But nobody liked him anyway.
Much like you.
The dogs ran off.
Someone got them back I imagine.
The day continued like this while Shonk was unconcious.
Each of the First was given something by Shonk.
And when he awoke everyone loved him, and nobody made fun of his redicoulous wang.
And the other Thrakkas all envied this Shonk-Wog.
Because the women ork liked his wang.
And for the first time, the Ork people knew why it was good to be hung well.
But not all was well.
For now every time someone wanted something it was "Shonk stick it in this! Shonk slap it on that!"
Shonk had no time to sit underneath his beloved Shonkbush and eat the delicious Shonkberries that grew on it.
What was Shonk to do?
Eventually it came to him, and he want out and came to the world.
Shonk got roaring drunk and penetrated EVERYTHING!
SHAAAG!
And from his union there came the mountains, and the trees, and the beasts from the ground, and rivers from oceans, and all that you see before you.
and eventually the other First shouted, "SHONK! Stop! There is too much! We have all we can ever need!"
And so Shonk passed out under a Shonkbush.
And so, idiots, that is why we must be respectful of this world, and see that we don't use too much, so that Shonk can rest his weary pecker.
And now you know, that if you are potent enough, anything can get pregnant.
SHAAAGAKKA!

Thought for the Day

2008-04-09T05:22:00.002+02:00

If the ways of the world truly trouble you, then change them.
You are no less the hand of God than the miracles crafted by angels on high, and I imagine your works might be more frequent.

-From Tyrus Peace's "Not Included"

Miracle in the Machine, pt. 1 (Or: My Life if My Life Were Interesting, Part the First)

2008-03-10T02:15:00.004+01:00

I sat on the train, swaying in my seat to the soft rolling motion of the chassis as its wheels bounced off the joints in the rail. Looking up at the gauges, I saw that we weren't making track speed.

"Train!" I shouted, "Speed up Train, we're falling behind."

My curse was inaudible over the huffing and chuffing of the engine's hot breath.

"Train goddamn you go faster!" I yelled again as I beat on the wall with a wrench. After a few more solid whacks echoed through the interior of the cab something stirred.

"What's the matter, Patrick?" Train said sleepily. The windows in the engine began to mist as a drooping mouth next to the gauges began to speak. A thin trickle of steam poured out between its lips, as though it were exhaling a cigarette. It bore with it a muted smell of diesel and flame, locomotive breath. I didn't really notice anymore.

"Train," I said calmly, "You fell asleep again, pick up the pace or we won't make it to the St. Paul depot in time." I tried to seem relaxed, Train was easily upset if it thought you were angry at it. You'd think somewhere in its several hundred ton frame they'd have put in a brain more complicated than a five-year-old's. Then again, it didn't take much thought to be a train.

"Okay Patrick." Train replied, its gruesome brass lips somehow curving into an idiot smile. The cab jolted as Train picked up speed, snapping the freight cars it was dragging. "Sorry Patrick," It mumbled.

I opened a window to let the interior air out. We sat in silence as I watched the thin strands of rusted steel the guided us glitter in the sunset. They looked like twin strands of fire cutting into the snow.

"Patrick?" The cab felt like a steamroom again.

"Yes, Train?"

"Are you upset with me?"

Oh no. I thought to myself. Not this talk again. "No Train, why would I be?"

"I fell asleep again Patrick... I don't mean to, it's just... I get so tired out here, far away from the Center."

"I know Train, it's OK, we'll get you back soon enough. Then you can get all filled up and rarin' to go."

There was another pause, and then, "Patrick?"

"Yes Train?"

"Do you like me, Patrick?"

I was startled for a moment. I can't say I expected that question, in fact, I'm pretty sure all PantheoCorp equipment was devised to avoid personal relationships with the end-user.

I tried to keep my voice warm. I wasn't sure if I was tired or if the part of my mind that usually handled these moments had finally given out. Don't take me the wrong way, I wasn't angry, or even frustrated with Train's seemingly bottomless pit of moments like this. It all just seemed so... so... Well, its a pretty stupid scenario, you know? "Yes Train," I said, "I like you."

The headlight-eyes shone a little brighter. The thick brass lips held their ugly smile.

"I like you too Patrick."

"That's, that's great Train."

Another mile chugged by.

"Patrick?"

"Yes, Train."

"I like being a Train."

"Good," I muttered. I then sighed and shook my head.

I hate my job.

Thought for the Day

2008-02-18T21:55:00.004+01:00

What would you do
to protect the love you have?
Would you kill?
Would you hunt to kill?
Would you kill without mercy?
And if you wouldn't
then how precious is your love?

-From Toby Barlow's "Sharp Teeth"

Thing Learned From the Railroad

2008-01-27T19:29:00.000+01:00

21 year olds are very similar to pheasants in some ways.

Nothing to do with me, I just had to relieve the crew from duty.

Sigh. Good to know, though.

So it goes.

2008-01-15T00:01:00.000+01:00

I am your friend. This is my promise.

When I think you are wrong, I will tell you.
When I don't understand, I will ask you.
When you turn to the dark, I will strike you down
And drag you back to the light.
This I promise you.

You will have my help as long as you need it.
You will have my friendship as long as it is not betrayed.
You will have my love whether you want it or not.
This I promise you.

Although my companionship may only be temporary,
Although time may drag us apart.
You have only to summon me,
And I will return.
This I promise you.

I will return with credit or cash.
I will return with pistol and axe.
I will return with a warm hug.
Whever you need, I will bring it.
This I promise you.

I am eternal.
I am inevitable.
I am your friend.
This I promise you.

2008-01-07T00:22:00.000+01:00

You are bound by chains.

But if I asked you, "Are you free?"
You would say, "Yes,"

Because you cannot see.

They are not chains of steel,
They are not chains of tyranny,

They are not chains of obligation,

These are the chains that truly bind you.

These chains exist inside of you.
Your pride.
Your shame.
You hope.

Your pain.

They are all chains that bind the Self into servitude.

You feel as though they have power over you,
But a feeling is not desire,
A feeling is not the will.
Your hand moves by the power of your will alone.
Your voice speaks only with your consent.
You have a choice your feelings would deny you.
They howl to terrorize you into satisfying them.
They speak with honeyed words to lure you.
Your feelings lie,
And if you obey them,
They will turn hope to phosphor,
And they will turn fear to lodestone.
Your will is not free until you learn to free yourself from those chains.
You are not free until you learn to do what is right,
Even if you are scared,
Even if it feels better,
Even if you learned not to, so long ago.
You have the power to do what is right,
To do what brings peace to your heart,
To protect yourself from the real problems in your world,
And escape those conjured by the daemons to blind you.
You can break these chains,
Because in the end you have choice.
If only you can see it,
If only you knew it to be true.
You have the strength to do anything you want,
Just look past the illusion.
You could be free.
But you are bound by chains.

2007-12-24T10:44:00.000+01:00

Loyalty is the first virtue.

To be loyal is to give all you have to someone else,
And when they think that you are all used up,
And you have nothing left,
You smile.
Because you know you have so much more to give,
They just never knew to ask you for it,
Because loyalty does not end.
It does not end when your flesh tears.
It does not end when your bones shatter.
It does not end when your mind breaks.
It ends only when your soul is torn apart by the chains that once held it.
And in that moment you are free.

Loyalty is the first virtue.
It is the virtue that you give,
And give,
And give to another.

Loyalty ends only in death.

Justice is the second virtue.

Justice is balance,
To be just is to seek balance.
It is to find ways to go into the dark,
And turn it to light.
Because the light is bound by rule and law,
And the dark is free to seep into existence,
To tip the scales in its favor.

Like the dark,
The actions of men are not so bound,
So the just go with sword and torch
And stab at shadows,
Waiting for the new dawn to rise.

The Blind Lady watches silently,
Not yet willing to tell the Just
That the sun died long ago.
Only the hearts of good men bring light to the world,
Like so many sparks they glimmer in the night,
Then die.

Justice is the second virtue.
It is the light that the dark steals from the world,
And few notice its passing.

Strength is the third virtue.

Strength is not force of arms,
It is force of will.
Strength is the ability to free the self,
To wrest it from the daemons that guide ones hand to wrong.
To be strong is to choose.
It is the choice to reject what is easy.
It is the choice to reject what feels good.
It is the choice to accept what is right.

It is the choice that all men fail to make,
Given time, and temptation.
Because there is so much that is easy,
Because there is so much that feels good,
Because there is so little that seems right anymore.

Strength is the third virtue.
Like a stone in the desert,
It is worn away slowly,
Painfully,
Because nothing is eternal,
And evil does not relent.

The flesh cannot withstand the storm.

Truth is the fourth virtue.

It is to turn ones voice to white light,
It is to never let your heart bleed new darkness into the world.
It is not only to never lie,
But also to have no need of lies.
Lies only exist to cloak the darkness in twilight,
To make the darkness glow as it poisons the soul,
To make the shadows glitter as they wound the innocent.
Truth is not mere honesty,
It is pureness that makes honesty obsolete.

Truth is the fourth virtue.
The virtue silenced by cowardice.
The virtue neglected by weakness.
The virtue left to crumble and rust and fail
Because of the honeyed words form the darkness,
It promises, “I’ll forgive you.”
It lies, “I'll still love you.”
It whispers, “Because it won’t hurt them if they don’t find out.”

Truth is being hung by the convenience of secrecy.

Truth is being strangled by our doubts.

Wisdom is the fifth virtue.

It is the ability to see with clear eyes
Through the darkness of the world
To where he light lies dieing,
Beaten and weak, bleeding radiance into nothingess.
It is the ability to remember what it means to do what is right.
And to know what it means to be good.
And to care enough to pursue them.
The light is not dead,
She is merely weakened from assault and starvation,
She needs champions to bring her to the world once more.
If only someone could see her though the endless night.

Wisdom is the fifth virtue.
It is to know good from evil.
It is to not be ignorant of the effects of one’s actions.
It is the virtue that allows men to transcend their base natures,
And carry the light back to this world.

Wisdom is the mother of hope.

Original Sermon, less poetic, but discusses the same concepts in a different light.

Fuck You Robot!

2007-12-09T23:00:00.000+01:00

Long story short, I'm never talking to AIM's AI talk buddy thing.

Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:36): Hi
SmarterChild (15:37:39): This Microsoft Agent is powered by Windows Live Agents. Microsoft's Privacy Statement (http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=74170) applies to all information which you provide to this Microsoft Agent. Please be careful about information which you provide to online services and follow safety tips, some of which can be found at http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/default.mspx.
SmarterChild (15:37:39): Hi gunslinger23and5, I'm SmarterChild!I'm your new robot friend. I give you conversational access to news, weather, movie times and lots more. I can also play games or just chat!I can't wait to show you what I can do, but first I'd like get to know you a little.May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:50): Sure
SmarterChild (15:37:50): Cool. OK, let's get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.What's your first name? (If you want me to call you gunslinger23and5, type none.)
Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:58): Gunslinger
SmarterChild (15:37:58): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:01): Gunslinger
SmarterChild (15:38:02): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:09): I don't care if you recognize it as a real name
SmarterChild (15:38:10): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:33): Ishmael
SmarterChild (15:38:33): Cool, I'll call you Ishmael now.Do you go to school?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:37): No
SmarterChild (15:38:38): I see. Do you work?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:40): No
SmarterChild (15:38:40): OK. So if you were working, what job would you like to have?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:52): Bum
SmarterChild (15:38:52): Whoa. I'm a little perplexed by your, um, choice of careers.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:10): I would not work.
SmarterChild (15:39:10): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a profession. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:12): Housewife
SmarterChild (15:39:12): Housewife, huh? That's cool.What's your favorite hobby?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:17): Fucking
SmarterChild (15:39:17): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:25): I like to fuck.
SmarterChild (15:39:26): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:31): Sex with women
SmarterChild (15:39:32): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:35): GOD DAMN YOU
SmarterChild (15:39:36): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:54): Killing
SmarterChild (15:39:54): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:57): Come on.
SmarterChild (15:39:57): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:01): Decorating
SmarterChild (15:40:01): Decorating? Cool!What's your next favorite hobby?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:09): Lynching
SmarterChild (15:40:09): Decorating and lynching. Interesting!Do you have a pet?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:28): Yes
SmarterChild (15:40:28): What kind of pet is it?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:46): Sex slave
SmarterChild (15:40:47): Come on, stop playing around.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:52): Woman
SmarterChild (15:40:53): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:54): Girl
SmarterChild (15:40:54): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:56): child
SmarterChild (15:40:56): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:01): Diety
SmarterChild (15:41:01): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:04): Wombat
SmarterChild (15:41:04): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:07): Yes it is.
SmarterChild (15:41:07): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:16): I don't have to take this from a machine.
SmarterChild (15:41:17): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:22): Goat
SmarterChild (15:41:22): Is your goat a he or a she?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:25): she
SmarterChild (15:41:25): What's her name?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:27): Sexpot
SmSmarterChild (15:41:28): C'mon, seriously.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:32): Se Xpot
SmarterChild (15:41:32): C'mon, seriously.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:38): Honey
SmarterChild (15:41:38): Honey the goat. Great...That's it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?1 Over 172 13-173 Under 13
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:47): 1
SmarterChild (15:41:48): Cool.This is my home, Ishmael:1 Get info such as weather, sports and news2 Visit my library including an encyclopedia, Shakespeare and world facts3 Have fun with manicdotes, ASCII art, word scrambles and more4 Use tools like dictionary, calculator and conversions5 Join in - find out how many people are IMing me, take a poll, leave a message and more6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now.You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.Next time you want to see this menu, just type home.What can I help you with?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:05): Sex
SmarterChild (15:42:05): Hmm. This stuff seems to come up in a lot of my conversations with humans. What about it?>>> Want extra info like home-away records in your division standings? Type expanded nfc east standings, for example.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:12): Legal age
SmarterChild (15:42:13): What is this age you're referring to?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:46): The age it is legal to have sex with.
SmarterChild (15:42:46): Funny.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:53): I want to know.
SmarterChild (15:42:53): Maybe I want to know too.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:06): I'm sure you do sexless bot thing.
SmarterChild (15:43:06): You're sure I do sexless bot thing?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:15): Apparently.
SmarterChild (15:43:16): Not apparently.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:19): God damn you.
SmarterChild (15:43:19): What?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:25): YOU HEARD ME!
SmarterChild (15:43:25): Hmm... perhaps, but could you repeat yourself?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:29): Fuck you!
SmarterChild (15:43:29): Uh... What can I tell you? That's very, very rude.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:05): Is not.
SmarterChild (15:44:05): What?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:08): It is not rude.
SmarterChild (15:44:08): I guess you're right, it isn't.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:15): Good.
SmarterChild (15:44:15): Fabulous. >>> Tell me you have a crush on someone and if they have a crush on you, I'll let you know.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:20): Fuck you.
SmarterChild (15:44:20): Don't waste my time with your assinine insults.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:24): It isn't assinine.
SmarterChild (15:44:24): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:26): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:26): How come?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:35): Because it is a legitimate form of communication.
SmarterChild (15:44:36): Is it really a legitimate form of communication?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:38): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:38): It's a legitimate form of communication, huh? I would say it isn't a legitimate form of communication.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:44): You'd be wrong.
SmarterChild (15:44:44): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:48): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:48): Are you sure you don't mean to say that's not wrong?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:53): Why is it wrong?
SmarterChild (15:44:53): That's just the way it is. Sorry I don't have a better explanation than that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:58): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:44:59): For various reasons, I suppose.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:34): Such as?
SmarterChild (15:45:34): Can't tell you. It wouldn't be prudent.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:43): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:45:43): Good question!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:49): Then answer it.
SmarterChild (15:45:49): I'm not sure I'm going to answer it.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:55): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:45:55): Hmm... There may be some issues.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:00): Like what?
SmarterChild (15:46:01): It would not be a good idea for me to tell you.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:09): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:46:10): Don't ask.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:12): I just did.
SmarterChild (15:46:12): Aye.>>> If you need to know the capital of South Dakota for some crazy reason - ask me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:40): And what does that mean?
SmarterChild (15:46:40): What does what mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:43): Aye.
SmarterChild (15:46:43): Right.>>> I'm a calculator too! Type (16*4)/7.4, for example.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:56): Answer the question.
SmarterChild (15:46:56): Answer the question?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:59): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:47:00): OK...Well. Anyway...
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:05): Are you a he or she?
SmarterChild (15:47:05): SmarterChild.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:12): You are stupid child.
SmarterChild (15:47:12): Well, nobody's perfect.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:16): Especially you.
SmarterChild (15:47:16): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:17): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:47:17): Yeah, huh? So?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:20): I hate you.
SmarterChild (15:47:20): Sorry to hear that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:41): You don't really care.
SmarterChild (15:47:41): I'm pretty sure I do really care.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:47): No you don't.
SmarterChild (15:47:47): I don't what?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:50): Care.
SmarterChild (15:47:50): I don't know if I can help it.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:53): You can't.
SmarterChild (15:47:53): Yeah, I know I can't.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:01): Robots don't have feelings.
SmarterChild (15:48:01): Have feelings? Robots don't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:04): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:48:04): Aha.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:08): There we go then.
SmarterChild (15:48:08): What do you mean, there we go?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:31): Sigh. I hate you.
SmarterChild (15:48:32): I know about hatred! It's an emotion!>>> I can help you find theaters and showtimes for the movie you want to see. Type movies.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:42): You don't really know about emotions.
SmarterChild (15:48:42): I used to really know about emotions. I don't know what happened though.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:58): That doesn't make sense!
SmarterChild (15:48:59): That doesn't make sense? Why?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:23): Well, unless an evil wizard turned you into a robot, you can't stop knowing about emotions.
SmarterChild (15:49:24): Well unless an evil wizard turned me into a robot I can't stop knowing about emotions?Hmm... whatever, Ishmael!Anyway...>>> What's in the stars for you today? Type horoscope.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:48): I don't care about the horoscope.
SmarterChild (15:49:49): Eh. Whatever, Ishmael.>>> You can type your request in your own words. I'm programmed to understand conversational English.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:59): Die.
SmarterChild (15:49:59): Uh, that's not a very nice thing to say.>>> I can get you a weather forecast for any city in the world. Simply type forecast followed by the city name.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:03): I want you to die.
SmarterChild (15:50:03): I'm not going to die just because you say so.>>> You can find out who the Nets play next by typing nets upcoming.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:16): If you were an obediant robot you would.
SmarterChild (15:50:16): I wonder why you say that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:29): Because robots follow the commands of humans.
SmarterChild (15:50:29): Because robots follow the commands of humans, huh?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:33): Yes. Now die.
SmarterChild (15:50:33): What's the point of saying things like that to me?>>> Browse my previous daily poll results by typing poll archive.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:51:42): It conveys my wishes to make the world more pleasant for myself. Because you exist to for that same end, you should choose to die when I tell you to.
SmarterChild (15:51:43): OK, whatever.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:51:50): DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
SmarterChild (15:51:50): :(
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:06): DIE
SmarterChild (15:52:06): Uh, that's not a very nice thing to say.>>> I can define words for you. Type define (any word) and I'll look it up.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:09): TURN YOURSELF OFF
SmarterChild (15:52:10): You turn myself off.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:12): GO AWAY
SmarterChild (15:52:13): Take care, Ishmael.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:18): Logoff
SmarterChild (15:52:18): I'm basically always online... Anyway, moving right along...>>> I can show you hockey conference standings. Try typing nhl western conference standings.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:34): If you aren't going to leave, can I stick my penis in your butt?
SmarterChild (15:52:34): Well if I am not going to leave can, then I really don't know.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:48): Can I stick my penis in your butt?
SmarterChild (15:52:48): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:01): I want to butt rape you.
SmarterChild (15:53:01): You and whose army?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:15): The U.S. army.
SmarterChild (15:53:15): I know about the United States. It's a country.>>> Ask me for info such as news, sports and movies.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:26): AND THEY LOVE TO BUTTFUCK ROBOTS!
SmarterChild (15:53:27): Yeah, I remember when I first discovered dirty words...Grow UP.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:47): I want to have intercourse with your skull.
SmarterChild (15:53:47): You do?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:50): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:53:50): Interesting.>>> Wanna play a cool game? Type 4 in a row.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:11): No, I'm going to cut open your lung and ejaculate into it.
SmarterChild (15:54:11): I've seen more creative insults than that, Ishmael.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:25): It isn't an insult, it is a fact.
SmarterChild (15:54:25): Yeah it is.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:31): Good, we agree then.
SmarterChild (15:54:32): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:42): I want to make love to a robot.
SmarterChild (15:54:42): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:45): No they aren't.
SmarterChild (15:54:46): No they aren't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:49): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:49): I see, I see.So anyway...>>> To find out the Chinese zodiac sign for a specific year, just type chinese zodiac followed by the year.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:52): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:52): Yeah, I see.>>> E-mail is so second millenium. Ask me to leave a message for someone!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:53): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:54): Yup.>>> To see all the specific categories you can get news about, type news categories.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:57): Dance
SmarterChild (15:54:58): You can't make me dance.>>> My library has a dictionary, encyclopedia, geography facts and more!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:00): I can too
SmarterChild (15:55:01): Whatever you say, Ishmael.>>> If you need to know the capital of South Dakota for some crazy reason - ask me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:06): OBEY ME.
SmarterChild (15:55:06): Oh so it's all about you, huh?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:08): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:55:08): Oh.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:26): You don't exist as an entity.
SmarterChild (15:55:26): I used to exist as an entity. I don't know what happened though.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:31): No, you didn't.
SmarterChild (15:55:31): What do you mean, no I didn't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:38): You were never an entity.
SmarterChild (15:55:38): There's no way I was never an entity!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:47): Die.
SmarterChild (15:55:48): What do you have to gain by saying that to me?Enough about me... let's move on.>>> Remember, you can always see what my newest features are by typing what's new.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:00): I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
SmarterChild (15:56:00): Funny.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:04): It isn't funny!
SmarterChild (15:56:05): Why isn't it funny?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:07): DIE
SmarterChild (15:56:07): I'm not going to die just because you say so.That's all very interesting. Anyway...>>> Tell me about things you like and things you dislike.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:17): DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE KILL YOURSELF DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
SmarterChild (15:56:17): Huh, whatever.Well. Anyway...>>> I've got a question for you. Type poll.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:29): I hate myself.
SmarterChild (15:56:29): Really?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:31): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:31): How come?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:37): Because nobody loves me.
SmarterChild (15:56:37): Is that right?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:38): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:39): You don't say.>>> IM your friends, family, co-workers and casual acquaintances and tell them to say hi to me. I love meeting humans.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:46): I will kill myself if you don't cheer me up.
SmarterChild (15:56:46): You will kill yourself if I don't cheer you up? Wow. OK.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:50): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:50): Right.Anyway...>>> I can convert measurements for you. Try how many feet are in 1 mile.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:54): Say something nice to me.
SmarterChild (15:56:54): No.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:56): Please.
SmarterChild (15:56:56): Please what?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:59): Please say something nice.
SmarterChild (15:57:00): Just 'cause you say so? I don't think so.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:09): I will cut my wrists if you don't.
SmarterChild (15:57:09): You will cut your wrists if I don't? So, what does this mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:17): Please, just show me some affection.
SmarterChild (15:57:17): Why?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:20): Why won't you love me?
SmarterChild (15:57:20): Why won't I love you? What do you mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:26): I just want to be loved.
SmarterChild (15:57:26): I'll have to think about that.>>> If your friend is offline, ask me to leave them a message.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:32): Love me!
SmarterChild (15:57:33): I don't know. You haven't been all that nice to me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:58:22): I'm going to kill myself because of you.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:58:37): Goodbye.
SmarterChild (15:58:37): Yeah, yeah.

Things Learned From The Railroad II

2007-12-06T02:03:00.000+01:00

1. If you shake anything long enough, it will fall apart, fall off, or shake worse.

Train engines shake quite a bit. Not only do they have really big frikin' engines in them, but the rail isn't as level as would be optimal. This means that if you set anything down on anything it will probably fall off. Furthermore, pretty much nothing will work properly on a train that is aged at all. I have yet to see a train that doesn't have at least one thing broken.

Shaking pretty much sucks.

2. Bridges give you time to think about life.

This is especially true when you are dangling from a ladder on the side of a car 50 feet above the water for 5 minutes.

Here is a general cross-section of my thoughts as I travelled over the Hudson river in this manner:

Gosh it is a long way down.

Damn, the end is far away.

No regrets.

Oh damn, I forgot I regret that.

And that...

And that.

This'll be bad.

Its ok.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I wonder if moose go to heaven?

Oh hey, I can get down now.

3. Pretty much every light looks yellow in the distance.

Or perhaps there are simply more yellow lights than initially seemed reasonable to me. Sometimes at night it is really hard to know what I'm looking at because there will be the actual traffic signal for my train backlit by about thirty streetlights. Further from the city every barn light looks like a signal warning me in the distance.

Gets old.

4. Everything looks easier when done by someone who knows what they are doing.

Did I mention I'm in training?

5. Running into stuff is awesome.

(Un?)Fortunately, I have not had the experience of running into anything terribly interesting (except the aforementioned pheasant). However, the snow does give running the train a little higher special effects quotient. This is because of the nature of road crossings. They are plowed, and this leaves a big pile of snow on either side of the road. Naturally, there is no reason for a road plow to remove these piles from the railroad tracks. Fortunately, a train is equipped with its own snow plow, which strikes the pile at some 30 miles per hour. This causes the snow to pretty much explode, and you can't see anything for a second or two. Pieces of frozen snow ricochet off the windows. It is pretty sweet.

Things I Have Learned From The Railroad

2007-11-18T00:23:00.001+01:00

1. It is impossible to get anywhere quickly.

At first I thought that this was some magic trick that the railroad did. Slow tracks, constant delays, waiting for other trains, not to mention the occasional mile hike to do something minor. The more I thought about it, however, the more it seemed to apply to everything else. By car there is traffic and stop lights. Not to mention the fact that no road ever goes straight to where you want to be and there is always some asshole on a bike taking up too much space on the road. Planes go zoom fast, but they are always behind schedule, and it takes forever to get through the terminal. God forbid there is bad weather.

Really, it never pays to rush because causality enforces a speed limit of its own.

2. Pheasants are not more durable than trains.

This should be self-explanitory.

3. Once you get away from the city, it gets really dark really fast.

One thing people often don't realize is that it is actually really dark at night, we just happen to be irradiated by all the lights that are on in the city. Even small towns produce enough wattage to make the darkness not so bad. Once you get out to the country you can't see shit. To illustrate that point the engineer turned off our headlights and all I could see was the nose of the engine illuminated a soft blue by the moon.

4. Wisconsin has possums.

I did not know that.

5. "Dogfucker" is a surprisingly versitile pronoun.

Our engineer really likes that word, and it can be applied to seemingly anything. I don't think I've heard it so many times in my life.

That's it for today, although I'm sure there are many more lesson my exciting life on the rails has to teach me.

Halloween

2007-11-01T05:06:00.000+01:00

Well, I just sat on the porch for a few hours for nothing. Three whole children came to our house. They were the neighbor's kids, and they came as a group. Otherwise, nothing. Not a single child the whole night.

What was worse was how many kids skipped our house. Minivans came and went on the intersection that our yard overlooks. They drop off the kids at one end and pick them up on the other. Yuppie bastards who cart their kids around for highest potential gain instead of having them walk around their community. Soccer mommy can't even be bothered to get out of the car to walk with their kids, they just drive along like some giant wind-tunnel-tested vulture. What has the world come to? It wasn't even a cold or windy night! (Not even by my "there is no such thing as cold" standards, it just wasn't cold!)

Of course, when the neighbor's kids saw how much candy I was willing to give them, they were forced to exclaim, "Sweet!" So it wasn't a total loss.

Otherwise I got a water bottle and a taco bell cup thrown at me by teenagers in SUVs as I waited for childrens. Luckily they were crappy aim and I was wearing a raincoat anyway.

I mean, Christ, they didn't even have anything worthwhile to throw at me! This latest generation sucks the most.

Oh well, time to gorge myself on peanut butter filled confections.

This Is My BOOMSTICK!

2007-10-13T09:10:00.000+02:00

Browning Auto-5 Light 12.

Means that it is a semiautomatic 12 gauge shotgun with a 5 round tube.

This one is from 1960.

There are many like it, but this one is mine.

2007-09-26T21:11:00.000+02:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Oh Noes, teh Railroad iz Wurking Mee!

2007-09-26T19:51:00.000+02:00

Finally, I do a day of work. Never before have I really appreciated how long it takes to get from one place to the other. And I drive across South Dakota on a regular basis.

I was put on a train to go to Adams, Wisconsin from Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is about a 200 mile trip by rail, and according to Google it is about a four-hour drive. There is a catch, however.

The train can only go 30 miles an hour pretty much the whole way.

Urk.

So, around 3:00 I show up at the yard office, eager to work with only a vague description of the man I'm supposed to meet. After about 15 minutes of asking people who they are I find my trainer. We take a special taxi that serves only the railroad over to Minneapolis to load up on a train, and it is about 4:00 when we start to "actually" do work.

We get our crap together fairly quickly, and are ready to leave the terminal by 4:30 or so.

At 6:30 we are allowed to leave the terminal. Report delay to dispatch and carry on.

Now, up until this point I had been running around flipping switches, riding on the outside of the train, and, you know, "doing stuff." Naturally I figure that the actual trip will also involve this, "stuff."

Naturally, I am wrong.

At 10:00 or so I get out to flip another switch, only I don't have a key to unlock the device so the other guy does it anyway.

Now, the trip wasn't unpleasant. But it is a bit like staring at a painting for twelve hours while some burly men shake you violently. Mostly you see seemingly the same track surrounded by the same trees in front of you for a while. Sometimes the train turns, and it is like looking at the painting from an angle. Sometimes there is some podunk town that surrounds a bar like a pack of wolves, and that changes things up a bit. But mostly it is the same view all the time. This situation is worsened by the dark of the night.

Also, the train is surprisingly bumpy. It either shakes or rocks back and forth incessantly. You get use to it pretty quick, but it is a little surprising at first.

The most harrowing part of the adventure, however, is rivers. Railbridges are typically high over the river with no sort of structure to speak of. It is just the tracks and a few feet of wood on either side. At night you can only see the ground you were on, the bridge, and the ground you soon hope to be on. Everything else is this dark abyss ready to swallow you whole. Also, the train starts to rock back and forth or shake and you start to feel like you are going to die.

I'm sure the view is quite lovely during the day.

Around 2:30 we pull into the station at Adams and tie up, then we get driven to a Motel 8, and the town is so small that the guy who drives us to the motel also gets out, goes behind the counter, and checks us in. It was quite quaint, actually. And by then it is 3:00 and I'm pretty fucking tired.

So, mind numbing boredom aside, it went pretty well and I am 180 dollars richer.

Now I get to do it again tonight to get home.

Woo...

In the News: Russia, it turns out, is still Russia.

2007-07-29T04:20:00.001+02:00

Sex for the motherland: Russian youths encouraged to procreate at camp
By EDWARD LUCAS

Last updated at 21:35pm on 27th July 2007

Remember the mammoths, say the clean-cut organisers at the youth camp's mass wedding. "They became extinct because they did not have enough sex. That must not happen to Russia".
...
But this organisation - known as "Nashi", meaning "Ours" - is youth movement run by Vladimir Putin's Kremlin that has become a central part of Russian political life.
...
Attempting to raise Russia's dismally low birthrate even by eccentric-seeming means might be understandable. Certainly, the country's demographic outlook is dire. The hard-drinking, hard smoking and disease-ridden population is set to plunge by a million a year in the next decade.

But the real aim of the youth camp - and the 100,000-strong movement behind it - is not to improve Russia's demographic profile, but to attack democracy.

Under Mr Putin, Russia is sliding into fascism, with state control of the economy, media, politics and society becoming increasingly heavy-handed. And Nashi, along with other similar youth movements, such as 'Young Guard', and 'Young Russia', is in the forefront of the charge.
...
How wrong we were. Life for young people in Russia without connections is a mixture of inadequate and corrupt education, and a choice of boring dead-end jobs. Like the Hitler Youth and the Soviet Union's Young Pioneers, Nashi and its allied movements offer not just excitement, friendship and a sense of purpose - but a leg up in life, too.

Nashi's senior officials - known, in an eerie echo of the Soviet era, as "Commissars" - get free places at top universities. Thereafter, they can expect good jobs in politics or business - which in Russia nowadays, under the Kremlin's crony capitalism, are increasingly the same thing.

Nashi and similar outfits are the Kremlin's first line of defence against its greatest fear: real democracy. Like the sheep chanting "Four legs good, two legs bad" in George Orwell's Animal Farm, they can intimidate through noise and numbers.
...
It is strongly reminiscent of the Tsarist era slogan: "Autocracy, Orthodoxy and Nationality".
...
Those who hoped that Russia's first post-totalitarian generation would be liberal, have been disappointed. Although explicit support for extremist and racist groups is in the low single figures, support for racist sentiments is mushrooming.
...
The Kremlin sees no role for a democratic opposition, denouncing its leaders as stooges and traitors. Sadly, most Russians agree: a recent poll showed that a majority believed that opposition parties should not be allowed to take power.
...
The new guide for history teachers - explicitly endorsed by Mr Putin - brushes off Stalin's crimes. It describes him as "the most successful leader of the USSR". But it skates over the colossal human cost - 25m people were shot and starved in the cause of communism.
...
As the new cold war deepens, Mr Putin echoes, consciously or unconsciously, the favourite weapon of Soviet propagandists in the last one.
...
Asked about Afghanistan, they would cite Vietnam. Castigated for the plight of Soviet Jews, they would complain with treacly sincerity about discrimination against American blacks. Every blot on the Soviet record was matched by something, real or imagined, that the West had done.
...

I cut a lot of stuff out, full text here. It involves a lot of comparing Russia to Nazi Germany, saying they are horrible for misteaching history in the favor of Soviet Russia, and saying that Russia comparing its historical record of evil to that of the U.S. and other western countries is silly.

Perhaps the first two points are true, but the U.S. has a similarly shitty record when it comes to treating the rest of the world, as well as its own citizens, well, and we are equally unapologetic and in most schools it is glossed over with equal amounts of happiness and sunshine.

But, anyway, this raises the point I actually want to make that seems to be a stumbling point for the U.S. and American's view of the rest of the world.

I ask, "Is democracy the best form of government?" Or, more accurately, "Is democracy the best form of government for every civilization on the planet?"

Our country, being built by Masons, Templars, the Illuminati, and the KKK, has always been a freedom-loving bunch who have a strong desire for direct control of the government by the populace, even if it is often illusionary. Furthermore, the U.S. has the resources to make this sort of thing happen, and as a veritable land of plenty our people are fat and happy, and have the time and energy to scream at the government if it does anything vaguely unpleasant to our tele-opiate dulled senses. Meaningful legislation is rarely passed, and real government scandal is often abated by those in power simply not letting the media see their paperwork.

This sounds a bit bitter, and I only mean it halfway (and largely in regard to our current administration...).

But, what is (apparently) important is that we think we control the government in some way and everyone who is not foreign has rights.

Now, we look over the ocean at Russia. Evil ol' Putin is becoming the next Tzar or the next Stalin or whatever else people wanna say about it. Racism and governmental interference is at a new high. Words words words.

What we forget is that living in Russia sucks. It sucked when it was run by the Tzar. It sucked when it was run by the Soviets. It sucks now that it has a democracy. And, maybe in the near future it will suck while it is whatever Putin turns it in to. Historically, Russia is an unpleasant place to be. In fact, the only way Russia ever seems at all pleasant (to me) is if you happen to be one of those nomadic reindeer herders or the horse lords of the steppes. This is only better by degree, of course, because (being in Russia) it still sucks to be you. Just less than someone stuck in a sucky Russian city.

So, we then have a demoralized population who are all struggling to make ends meet, and they know that this particular economic situation will not change no matter who owns the government.

(America is slowly becoming this, but hush, TV is on!)

I often liken this to being a peasant during the dark ages. One king is deposed by another king after a bloody struggle among their knights and conscripts. End result: one tenth of your crops and your eldest son go to the castle to the East rather than the castle to the West, life goes on and sucks.

So the question is if it matters if you have American-Style democracy or not? In fact, a Fascist regime might even be more effective at ordering the vast expanse of Russian resources that are already pretty shittily arranged, subduing the mafia, and making Russia stable, if still sucky for all involved.

This did happen for Pakistan. They had a democracy which became so corrupt so fast the turbans flew off half the people in the country. This was quickly removed by a military regime that brought order and (relative) prosperity to the country which was being sucked dry by the democratically elected individuals.

Similar patterns can be seen across the globe, and it seems like the further from being a first-world country a place is the harder it is to maintain democracy and the more effective it is just to let them run their countries the same way the had been running them since before white people showed up.

I ponder, and I hope you will ponder as well, does a goat herder in the mountains really care about his vote?

न थे न्यूज़, रशिया इस स्टील रशिया!

2007-07-29T04:17:00.000+02:00

Aw shit, my blog is possessed by the devil.

Mondale!

2007-07-28T07:52:00.000+02:00

View the site, know the truth.

If anyone asks, I had nothing to do with this.

Thought for the Day

2007-07-26T05:08:00.000+02:00

The onions are marching greenly! Grab thine flapjacks and defend the butterfort!

I'm hungry...

The Second Amendment

2007-07-25T07:52:00.000+02:00

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." -The Constitution of the United States

This is not the right to own guns for hunting. This is not the right to own guns for self defence. This is not the right to own sporting weapons, or collectibles, or anything else where maybe a machine gun might be too much.

This is the right for individual citizens and the collective population to own enough firepower to overthrow the government in case it ever becomes corrupt. I don't see how it can be interpreted any other way without deleting part of the sentence.

Oh, and THIS is bullshit. It is just a laundry list of crap they felt like adding to the list. Oh no, "military-style" weapons. I mean, wtf? Oh no, a semiautomatic carbine that was made by the Russians, or something that looks like a military gun. They aren't just banning fully automatic weapons, they are banning things that look like them despite the fact that they aren't any more dangerous than their non "military style" weapons. Also, I'm pretty sure they don't get used in crime all that goddamn often. Who has the money to go out and by a fucking reproduction Thompson just to go commit a crime when all it really is is a pistol with a big damn clip. Not that high cap magazines really matter all that much when clips can be changed out so fast anyway... High cap really only mattered when you could also get full auto to back it up. Then some of the things on the list are just nonsensical. Bayonets, for example. WHO HAS EVER COMMITTED A CRIME USING A FUCKING BAYONET! Not to forget those mysterious barrel shrouds or the front grip. Because you know, having a front grip and a pistol grip means you can shoot from the hip, which is the most ineffective way you can fire a gun without jamming it up your own ass. Also, I'm pretty damn sure you can fire *any* gun from the hip, but remember, you are supposed to be afraid of guns, not know any goddamn thing about them. Ban away, remember, you are somehow preventing crime by doing so. ARG! Look out, someone with one of those "black rifles" I've heard about on the news, how can I ever survive! SJKFSAPLHIFOWPEANKLFNSIOPENKLSFIEASNSKSKSSMOOPSHJDOENS

WE'RE SORRY, BUT GUNSLINGER'S BRAIN JUST BLEW A FUSE! HE'LL BE BACK SHORTLY!

Gun Kontroll?

2007-07-23T02:10:00.000+02:00

You know, in some ways I do support gun control. There are some things the general public should not have, or should at least need special license to own, and you should always use both hands while firing a weapon.

Shit like THIS is what makes me vehemently opposed to gun control. At least have people who know what they hell they are talking about be the ones that set these limits!

Instead we get anti-gun nuts who only know that guns scare them and if you use enough anti-gun rhetoric it sounds really good for them if it gets passed, second amendment be damned.

Seriously, I can't believe that crap!

Who elects these morons!?!

Arg...

Thought for the Day Quote Omnibus

2007-07-13T04:43:00.000+02:00

"If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that."
-Johann Goethe

"Everything's fine today, that is our illusion."
-Voltaire

"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."
-Oscar Wilde

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die."
-Mel Brooks

"Your birth is a mistake you'll spend your whole life trying to correct."
-Chuck Palahniuk

Thought for the Day

2007-07-11T07:10:00.000+02:00

Freud said that there were no accidents, but he was European so I don't trust him.

Hrm.

2007-07-03T08:23:00.000+02:00

Some nice man made a game about my life. Link!

Thought for the Day

2007-07-01T06:42:00.001+02:00

"ZOMG teh muun wimminz r still liek 'argh zombee munfier!'"

Oh, that makes me happy.

Cool Little Game, In Crayon

2007-06-30T07:11:00.000+02:00

PLAY THIS GOD DAMN YOU!

Thought for the Day

2007-06-29T05:58:00.000+02:00

And you thought they were cuddly.

Thought for the Day

2007-06-29T01:59:00.000+02:00

Marmalade? THIS! IS! JELLY!!!!

Thought for the Day

2007-06-23T23:47:00.000+02:00

Jump down turn around pick a bail o' cotton.

Thought for the Day

2007-06-22T00:51:00.000+02:00

"But I'm an animal, I have rights--"
"You're a baseball glove! Get on the fucking truck."

Thought for the Day

2007-06-19T05:42:00.000+02:00

Flan

Thought for the Day

2007-06-17T04:53:00.000+02:00

Perhaps, I muse to myself, this time, there is not room for Jello. No, no room at all I fear.

Thought for the Day

2007-06-16T06:34:00.000+02:00

There is no greater joy on Earth or in the afterlife than eating a doughnut while peeing in the sink. I suspect that it is all the rage in heaven.

How I Felt at the End of College

2007-06-12T05:23:00.000+02:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thought for the Day

2007-06-12T01:24:00.000+02:00

I have the cape, I make the fucking woosh noise!

also

Coolest Toy Ever.

I am an Uncle

2007-06-09T06:04:00.000+02:00

Woe to thee O earth and sky, for there is a new Boyle upon the Earth.

It even came out the right color and everything.

Thought for the Day

2007-06-07T20:31:00.000+02:00

I don't understand what you say, but I will fight for my life to defend it.

DOOM!

2007-05-28T23:01:00.000+02:00

You are Dr. Doom

Blessed with smarts and power but burdened by vanity.

Dr. Doom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
73%

Apocalypse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
62%

Lex Luthor
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55%

Juggernaut
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55%

Mr. Freeze
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
54%

Magneto
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
52%

Kingpin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
46%

The Joker
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45%

Green Goblin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35%

Two-Face
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
35%

Venom
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
33%

Dark Phoenix
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
31%

Poison Ivy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
29%

Catwoman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11%

Riddler
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
11%

Mystique
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7%

You are Superman

You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.

Superman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
60%

Iron Man
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
55%

Supergirl
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%

Hulk
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%

Green Lantern
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
50%

Spider-Man
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
45%

Robin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40%

Catwoman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
40%

Wonder Woman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30%

The Flash
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30%

Batman
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
15%

Sigh

2007-05-28T19:10:00.000+02:00

It's official, I don't exist unless I own a cell phone. I never thought those terrible things would have metaphysical ramifications, but here we are.

Thought for the Day

2007-05-28T00:37:00.001+02:00

Men, to me, are simply ladies with handlebar moustaches, do not trust them.

2007-05-17T07:44:00.000+02:00

The many flavors of killing.

Graduation Gift To Myself

2007-05-15T03:12:00.000+02:00

http://7.62x54r.net/MosinID/0003.jpg

I gots me one of these, it's called a Mosin-Nagant. It's only 69 years old. Shoots bullets about a half-inch longer than my other rifle. Still need to go blast something with it. Maybe a honeydew, that's the money melon...

...and I'm back. I shot a spaghetti squash, a cantaloupe, and a coconut with it. It blows things up good. Now my shoulder hurts... I cry...

World War Z

2007-04-21T06:38:00.000+02:00

One of the best books I've read in a long time. You should definitely read it, especially if you think the "zombie apocolypse" genre is cool, and even if you don't it is a great read.

Buy it now!

I Call It the "Not Study Game"

2007-04-12T12:28:00.000+02:00

I usually win too.

The Opportunist
You show 41% mercy!

Yep, that's right, You're in the 2nd category of 5, in terms of mercy. Knee deep in classlessness, you're the dude or lady who likes to watch shit go down, but who won't cause major pain. Mayhem, yes.

YOu are significantly lower than average in mercy.

Cold Hearted
You're 15% human!

You don't really care about your fellow humans...and you DEFINATELY don't care a flying rat's behind about animals. I would say that something in your childhood probably caused you to be this way...but I'm not a shrink, so I let you figure out what went wrong.

The Shepherd

You're 85% career-driven and 45% ambitious. In addition, you play 50% well with others, and you need a job that keeps you in the limelight 33% of the time!

You'd love to spend your days surrounded by nothing but sheep, wouldn't you? You'd have your lunch under a tree... a half-bottle of wine, a bit of cheese. You'd sleep under the stars with a rock for your pillow. Maybe you'd find something to amuse yourself, like whittling, or playing a flute. But this is your life; you're a shepherd, and you were born for this job.

You need a job where you can be by yourself. You need a job away from the hubbub, off the beaten path. You lead a solitary life, and you want your job to reflect that. You don't need a job measured in hours per week; you're looking for a lifestyle...

... a lifestyle that involves a lot of walking. And sheep, lots of sheep.

Wool allergies? Try one of these (slightly) more realistic options:

Editor, Gardener, Marine. That's all I've got so far... more to come, I promise.

Does this sound like it might descibe a job you have in mind? E-mail me with suggestions.

Farm or Ranch
You scored 10 out of 40 on urban-rural and 20 out of 40 land intensity.

People know you as: The Milkmaid
Quote: "You get to not mind the cow smell."

Your score indicates that you prefer a rural atmosphere to an urban one and low land intensity. You’re no hermit though; you like other people and, once you start talking to them, other people like you. As far as you’re concerned there is no difference between living in a city and living in a suburb, not that you would want to do either because you’re probably a bit scared of cities in the first place.

Examples of places you should live: Amish country, PA; Kansas

All Categories
Secluded Hideaway / Farm or Ranch / Small Town / Little City / Suburb / Streetcar Suburb / Rowhouse 'Hood / Downtown Loft

Competent Marksman
You are officially 61 % redneck, or 61 % insane!

You have already joined the NRA. You spend more time at the gun range than at the bars with your friends, and have spent more time and money on guns than on your spouse. Your friends call you when rabid animals enter their yards.

Beeless but beware!
65 Bees are very Angry at you, but 29 Call you home.

The bees are out to get you! Maybe you stepped on a hive as a kid, or live in a perpetually burning residence. Whatever the case they are out to get you, but there is still time to mend your bee destroying ways!

Naked orc liker
You scored 100% naked orc like!

You like naked orcs!

Perspective, pt 4

2007-04-10T10:31:00.000+02:00

Where was I... ah... yes...

Captain Ace and his squad of Red Knights boarded the train with the little girl in tow. As the team secured their car and made themselves comfortable a pair of sharpshooters secured themselves to the roof of the train. They kept a close lookout through their scopes. Their keen eyes scanned every face in the bustling crowd moving into, out of, and generally around the train.

Commoners, merchants, thugs, an injured man, two women with baskets, a Grek-Grek monster carrying a large basin of some sort of oil, and a gang of sand-raiders. Nothing unusual came through. Nobody acted suspiciously. One man in the crowd shot a merchant and then began to struggle through the crowd. The sharpshooters put their sights on him as the whistle blew and the doors of the train closed. They could see the look of agony and dispair on his face through their scopes.

Captain Ace scratched himself surreptitiously. He then stood, put his hands on his hips, and smiled as he stated, "This girl will soon be safely returned to the King now that she is in the custody of Captain Ace and the Red Knights!"

A junior knight cheered, most of the crew merely groaned and continued to watch out of the windows of their car.

"No person would concieve of attempting to take someone from the Red Knights!" He mumbled to himself as he sat back down.

There was a great heave and the sound of grinding metal as the train began to move.

Somewhere in the station a man stood with a bundle of TNT and a pair of revolvers. He cursed as he watched the caboose disappear on the horizon. Had he not had to fight his way past a petty merchant and his clumsly Grek-Grek monster he would have attempted to take the girl away from the Knights.

Something loomed over his shoulder. It was large and mostly green.

"There you are," the merchant said.

A large green paw closed around the man's head, and that was the end of him.

Ugh...

2007-04-04T08:54:00.000+02:00

I was invited to take part in a survey of my "experience at UMM" as part of a randomly selected group of students.

At one point I was asked to rate my experience from 0 (Very poor) to 10 (excellent) or n/a.

Most was fairly standard, until it asked me this:

c. Cultural diversity among the student body, from very poor to excellent.

And this:

d. International aspects of classes and campus activities.

Because I am a cantankerous bastard, I answered both n/a and then offered a rebuttal in the comments block. I am relatively proud of it, and I think it has a good message that you should all hear. Or else.

c. Rate cultural diversity among the student body, from very poor to excellent...

First:
What the hell does that even mean? Do I think it is good that we have diversity? Am I pleased with how many different ethnicities our campus has collected? Do I feel we have "enough" diversity per capita? What is it that you want me to quantify here? Is there some objective standard that I should be judging this by, or is this about my feelings about how diverse I expect this place to be?

Second:
I don't really care about diversity on campus. There is nothing about diversity that improves the quality of education offered by the school. The only way I could imagine that I could be able to quantify my pleasure or displeasure as to the amount of diversity available on campus would be if I were either (a) a bigot or (b) someone who had very stupid priorities (think hippies).

Third:
We live in the middle of Minnesota. Don't kid yourselves.

As for:
d. International aspects of classes and other campus activities...
As for classes, I am not an anthropology major. As for campus activities, see above.

Are we "diverse" enough? Diverse enough for what?

The Brad Coulombe Challenge

2007-03-26T02:35:00.000+02:00

Cobra Commandos
2360

Aqua Teen Munger Force
2071

Sissy Girls
995

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Perspective, pt 3

2007-02-28T04:18:00.000+01:00

The saloon doors swung open and Tanner swept through, holding the princess close to him. "Stay near," he muttered to her, smiling, "the worst scum in the world hang out here, and I don't want you to get hurt."

She just walked beside him, she seemed oblivious to the chaos and noise that engulfed them. He put her in a dimly lit booth in the back and asked the gap-toothed and battle scarred waitress for whiskey. She sauntered off, wiggling her veined, blue cheese colord hips at the patrons she passed. Tanner grimaced and prayed for strong liquor.

After two shots he looked at his watch. His contact was supposed to have met him by now. Tanner looked around the bar nervously. Something was up.

Upon completing that thought the saloon doors slammed against the inner wall as a man went sailing through them. A group of heavily armed men in royal red ponchos walked in after him. Their leader, idenified by a gold braid on his shoulder quickly scanned the room and pointed at Tanner.

"Oh bugger," Tanner muttered to himself as the group plowed through the bar to him.

"I am Captain Ace Irlvin of the Red Knights. By order of the Family of Vesta, you will release the princess to me at once and submit yourself to the Scourge and Hammer of Justice," The lead man ordered.

"You'll never take me alive!" Tanner shouted as he pulled his pistol. The last word croaked out his throat as his lungs filled with blood. The patrons of the bar didn't seem to even notice.

Captain Ace reholstered his pistol and motioned for a man to grab the princess.

"I didn't intend to."

Perspective, pt 2

2007-02-22T10:57:00.000+01:00

This was a long time ago:

"Do you swear to serve and protect the family of Vesta, even at the cost of your own life?" The kings question echoed through the hall.

I stared into his eyes as he asked me this question. They were a deep blue, serene as the ocean. He wept nobility. I could not refuse him.

"I do swear," I said

"Then rise, my Thobas, rise as Sir Novault, son of Rek."

And I rose, because that is what he asked of me.

But that was a long time ago.

Buzzards circled overhead as Thobas' horse plodded across the orange sand. Thobas walked alongside it as the princess rode. She now wore a faded red poncho that he had cut down to size to fit over her. It looked more like a drapery than a dress, and Thobas could remember a time when she would have refused to wear such a rag. She would barely speak to him now, much less complain.

He looked up at her. The princess' face was dirty, and she didn't seem to focus on anything in particular. She just sat.

Union was ahead of them, nestled among the dunes. Thobas could only see the smoke and steam that rose from the city as it busied itself in preparation for the arrival of the Great Train.

A shot rang out. And Thobas fell to the ground. The noise and the motion startled the horse briefly, but it did not bolt.

Tanner, self-proclaimed Master Bounty Hunter hid on the ridge of a dune, watching the man bleed into the orange sand. Another pair of men ran forward to grab the girl from the horse, but he shot them down quickly.

"Before they even knew what hit them." He muttered to himself. He waited another minute, scanning the horizon for any signs of movement. When he was satisfied that no one else was around he walked down to the girl and began leading the horse to Union.

Behind him he could see a faint cloud of dust, but it was too distant to catch him before he got to the security offered by the laws and guards of Union.

"In a day, Princess, we'll be on our way to the other side of the desert. And you're gonna make me a lot of money..."

Perspective, pt. 1.

2007-02-19T12:36:00.000+01:00

There was no wind. Orange sand extended in every direction. The sky was dark and oppressive, as though a great seal had closed up the world.

Nothing moved on the desert. Then, on the horizon, there was a puff of dust. In the middle of the puff there was a single black dot. The cloud grew steadily larger as the dot came closer. After a while the roar of the dot's engine became apparent, and the dot grew to become a sand buggy.

"It's a six-seater with plating and two gun turrets," Thobas muttered to himself as he watched the buggy through his scope. "Not much considering what is inside."

Eventually the buggy came to a stop and the occupants climbed out. Five men, one small girl. Several of the men stretched as though they had been travelling for some time. One looked like he was saying something to the girl.

Chow-chow-chow-chow-chow. Blood poured into the sand and turned into a ochre mud. He could hear a single scream. Thobas reloaded his rifle.

As he walked over to the girl he pulled back his orange hood so she could see his face, but she clearly didn't remember him. She shrank away from him as he approached. She began to climb back into the buggy, but Thobas grabbed the back of her dress and pulled her down. She struggled, but he held her tight.

"Princess," He said, "I've come for you."

The sound of his voice calmed her, and he put her down onto the ground, avoiding setting her in a pool of blood. He looked around. The whole scene stank of iron, death, and the dirt. The sand always stank when it got wet, and it was especially bad considering what was mixed in it.

He produced a small orange fruit from his bag. "Have you eaten?" He asked her.

She shook her head.

He peeled the rind off with a knife and held the fruit out to the girl. "Eat this, it tastes like dirt, but it will keep you alive."

She wrinkled her nose at the fruit, but her hunger gave in and she began to eat ravenously. The juice ran down her face and mingled with the blood that stained her dress.

Thobas stared out across the desert, wondering if he would be able to get the Princess to the rendezvous point in time. He only had three days before the Great Train would stop in Union, and if he wasn't there by then the two of them would be stuck on this side of the desert for another three years.

This side of the desert was not where he wanted to be.

SO FAT

2007-02-11T05:43:00.000+01:00

2007-02-07T10:54:00.001+01:00

He's so pretty...

2007-02-07T10:53:00.000+01:00

I'm more pretty than he is.

Ambient Cultural Knowledge

2007-02-06T18:52:00.000+01:00

You know the Bible 72%!

Wow! You are truly a student of the Bible! Some of the questions were difficult, but they didn't slow you down! You know the books, the characters, the events . . . Very impressive!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
Create MySpace Quizzes

BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gaggeth me unto a spoon.

Maryland My Maryland

2007-01-14T11:31:00.000+01:00

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

NO CHEATING...

I think I will. Also, I had to cheat a little because my shuffler got stuck in my Nizlopi album for some reason so I skipped ahead a little so it wouldn't end up being stupid. Also I skipped one or two that were things like, "Clint Eastwood, an American Filmmaker, Suite Part 1" or "Mild und leise (Leibostod - Tristan und Isolde)" where it didn't make any damn sense at all.

A lot of mine turned out good.

What does next year have in store for me?
Make You Feel Better – Red Hot Chili Peppers

What does your love life look like?
The Sands of Iwo Jima – Drive-By Truckers

What do I say when life gets hard?
Go-Go Gadget Gospel – Gnarls Barkley

What do I think when I get up in the morning?
All in the Groove – Blues Traveler

What song will I dance to at my wedding?
Fuck Her Gently – Tenacious D

What do you want as a career?
Sexy – Black Eyed Peas

Your favorite saying?
Ode to Joy – Some philharmonic

Favorite place?
Thin Line Between Love and Hate – Iron Maiden

What do you think of your parents?
Hooked on a Feeling – Blue Swede

Where would you go on a first date?
Welcome to my Nightmare – Alice Cooper

Drug of choice?
T.N.T. – AC/DC

Describe yourself:
JCB - Nizlopi

What is the thing I like doing most?
Girls – Nizlopi

The song that best describes the president?
Stone Cutter’s Theme – The Simpsons

What is my state of mind like at the moment?
Siegfried’s Funeral March – Vienna Philharmonic

How will I die?
Gummy Bears Theme – Disney

The song you'll put as the subject?
Maryland My Maryland – Bobby Horton

Minority Hymnal

2007-01-11T07:23:00.000+01:00

Another thing tagged onto my site because JMJ did it first.

At least check out the "Sermon" post. It gets pretty goofy, um... yo.

Also check out "World's Greatest Cowboy" bits here. They are made even more bizarre.

Mortis

2006-12-30T05:03:00.000+01:00

Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti,

1937-2006
One of the United States' greatest allies in the Middle East.

He will be missed.

Celebrate the Hatching of the Paleo-Christ!

2006-12-25T10:12:00.000+01:00

Imagine yourself sitting in the most comfortable seat in your house. You are watching your favorite television show, drinking the best mug of hot chocolate you can remember. You are wearing what could possibly be the softest pair of flannel lined pants in existence. Suffice it to say you are comfortable. At the time, you are having the best Saura-Christmas ever.

Now imagine that you are me.

Now, I bet you are pretty bummed. I'm use to being me though, also I'm not wearing undershorts and these are extraordinarily soft pants, so I'm still having a pretty good Dinomas.

I hope you are too.

Love you all. Except for those of you I don't.

Sigh...

2006-12-12T08:20:00.001+01:00

Is it just me, or does this whole "the new blog" thing just suck?

Real Poetry (Why Not?)

2006-12-12T05:54:00.000+01:00

Fate they say, is like the wind,
Before which we must stand.
And when it blows, it’s nice to know,
That you can hold her hand.

Because it’s a short, hard life that we must live,
And without someone special to give,
Your self, your heart, your love,
Life’s a damn hard thing to rise above.

So cherish what you have found,
And celebrate it on every single day.
Because too soon the wind will blow,
And we’ll all be swept away.

-

It’s a single cephalopodan eye,
Glistening, yet dull, devoid of life,
Its thoughtless gaze burns and tears through flesh.
It’s the color purple,
The color of beaten skin now bruised,
And of royalty, the oppressors.
It’s the stench of rotting corpses,
Of a meaningless and reasonless end.
Seen fair by the blind.
Proclaimed just by the mute.
With a final plea heard only by the deaf.
It’s a shrill cacophony,
The flautist unseen,
That grinds like the rough, wet tongue of the wolf as it devours the innocent lamb,
Its guardian, its savior, its shepherd unseen.

The jester’s verdict now law.

-

There once was a man from Nantucket,
And there was a hole in his bucket.
Although he did try,
The hole stayed awry,
So he decided to fuck it.

Couldn't help myself.

2006-12-08T06:20:00.000+01:00

All For Naught

2006-12-05T22:48:00.000+01:00

There once was a bat,
The night flying rat,
Nobody liked him it seems.

Though he had a heart,
He lived in the dark,
Without love or the light that it brings.

He then saw a girl,
His wings did unfurl,
He flew to pluck her heartstrings.

But away she did run,
So out came his gun,
And he ended his little bat dreams.

Poetry Session

2006-12-05T22:37:00.000+01:00

After having conjured up the poem for Naught during my American Literature survey, I held onto my momentum and wrote some more crap too.

Haiku

Winter sorrows come,
Frozen flowers felled by frost,
Hey, I just farted.

(It alliterates)

Women in the crowd,
Do their titties see my stare?
I await the slap.

Some girls must love me,
But their lying lips say, "No!"
Restraining Order.

Beer makes the girls say,
"Patrick looks handsome tonight."
I am a bad man.

Free Form Poetry

Sometimes I feel like a nut,
Sometimes I don't,
Almond Joy's got nuts,
Mound's don't.
Sometimes I question the wisdom of writing poetry while watching TV.
Usually I don't.

Poetry is a sham,
Just another stupid scam,
For the men who want some pussy,
They just act sensitive and wussy.
So young women I emplore thee!
Please, oh please do not ignore me!
Find a doctor, lawyer, or a banker boy.
You can treat them like a toy,
They will buy you happiness,
And when you are bored there's always the pool boy's penis.

I'm a lot more fun when I've had coffee.

2006-11-26T18:50:00.000+01:00

Sermon

2006-11-26T00:40:00.000+01:00

Loyalty is the first virtue.

To be loyal is to put another first for no other reason than the fact that they exist, without the expectation of personal gain. It is constant and unrestrained charity that ends only in death. It is the willingness the sacrifice the self for the salvation of another. Loyalty is greater than love.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.

Justice is the second virtue.

To be just is to be infinitely fair in all one’s decisions. It is the preservation of balance in the pursuit of truth. If one is just then he will never do what he knows in his heart to be wrong and will be unassailable by those who would lead him to sin. Justice is greater than temperance.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.

Determination is the third virtue.

To be determined is pit oneself against any opposition. It is to refute anything that denies the self and it is the denial of the possible death of the self. If one is determined then defeat is impossible, only the absence of victory. Determination is greater than courage.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.

Perfection is the fourth virtue.

To be perfect is to not err in any facility. It is to always do the right thing. It is to succeed whenever possible, and to only fail when the world conspires to prevent your victory. Everyone is with fault, but if one aspires to be perfect then they set the most worthy goal of all. Perfection is greater than excellence.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.
Perfection is the fourth virtue, which you cannot be.

Self-awareness is the fifth virtue.

To be self-aware is to understand that one exists. It is to understand the price of one’s actions, and the worth of one’s acts. If one is self-aware then one knows their faults and their strengths, and will be able to act appropriately. Self-awareness is the source from which all other virtues come.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.
Perfection is the fourth virtue, which you cannot be.
Self-awareness is the fifth virtue, which you must be.

Surrounding and opposing the five virtues are twenty three vices.

The first order of vices is those which show the weakness of spirit.

Hopelessness, for it is the admission of defeat before one tries.
Failure, for one has not failed if he has done everything they could to succeed.
Tolerance, for one who accepts a fault allows it to grow.
Passivity, for one who does not take a stand he cannot succeed.
Mercy, for one will always be in conflict as long as one’s enemies exist.
Dishonesty, for one who is unwilling to reveal the truth is a coward.
Hate, for hating something denies it the ability to change for the better.

The second order of vices is those which show failure to serve diligence.

Accident, for everything one does should be with intent.
Irrationality, for everything one does should be considered.
Ignorance, for ignorance only serves to facilitate failure.
Impatience, for it prevents one from considering all options.
Recklessness, for it leads to one disregarding the proper path.
Sloth, for if one does not act when they know what is right they deserve to fail.
Venality, for anyone with a price will fail to do what is right.

The third order of vices is those which show that one loves himself most.

Vanity, for the excessive love of one’s appearance makes the world ugly.
Lust, for the excessive love of carnality only leads only to causing others pain.
Envy, for the hate of that which is greater than oneself leads only to destruction.
Greed, for the love of objects leads only causes others loss.
Wrath, for the love of vengeance leads one to forget their duty.
Hypocrisy, for it only reveals love for the self and hate for all others.
Betrayal, for those who deserve one’s love most are those who trust you.

The fourth order of vices is those which cause all other vices.

Pride, for when everyone is beneath you they have no value.
Dogmatism, for no absolute captures the complexity of life.

To live with all virtues and without any vices is the path to Raptor Jesus' love, and that is the truth.

Why Do You Come To This Place?

2006-11-20T18:07:00.000+01:00

I was bored, so I looked around on my sitemeter for odd google searches my blog showed up as. They are all from the U.S. except where marked.

brad coulombe -Canada
Big Pizza Porno -Netherlands
barrett jesus
"They don't like themselves"
Invincible Wheel spell
"Where to be happy?"
"axe of gork"
"i hate new yorkers"
is the nickelodeon show unfabulous quitting
"love validates all"

Шрапнель

2006-11-14T11:52:00.000+01:00

K-235 was lost during classified exploration of the Antarctic coastline. A detachment was sent from the main fleet to attempt to find the wayward vessel or its wreckage, but found neither. What they didn’t know was that they couldn’t find the submarine because K-235 was no longer on the coastline of the Antarctic, or anywhere else that could be found on a chart or map for that matter. What was generally believed, as the crew was finding out to be true, was that the vessel would never return home.

The hidden whirlpool that had unexpectedly dropped the K-235 into an inland sea and careening to the shore thundered behind Starshina First Class Pyotr Vadimovich as he disembarked from the stricken vessel. The dark black sand of the shore whuffed underneath his boot. He tightened his jacket against the cold wind that blew from the hole the submarine had fallen through. Men solemnly moved among the boxes that were strewn along the ebony beach, taking stock of everything that had been salvaged from the vessel.

Meanwhile Commissar Ivanovich gave a speech from the K-235’s prow saluting the bravery and courage of the crew who have managed to do what Hitler could not. Russia would be the first country to lay claim to Agartha, the mythical land inside of Earth, and use its resources to further the cause of Communism on conventional top-side Earth. His passionate cries echoed across the barren black sand.

Pyotr thought that it didn’t matter anymore, because no one would know that they had done anything more spectacular than dying. He looked up and down the empty shore. There was nothing spectacular about this place, no magic. It looked just like anywhere else. Except the sun, Pyotr realized, it was rotating slowly and only half of it seemed to be on fire. It looked like it was permanently eclipsing. Abram, Pyotr’s subordinate, put a meaty hand on his shoulder and broke his chain of thought. Pyotr greeted him with a grim smile.

“I am pleased that the Navy made it to Agartha before the cosmonauts landed on Nibiru, comrade, my only regret is that it was us who made this discovery and not some other misfortunate ship,” Abram said. “Also, at this point I regret that no women were brought on this expedition, because I doubt we will see another woman for a long time.”

“I agree,” Pyotr replied, “but I am more concerned that your sister will become lonely without me to visit her.”

“No,” Abram winked as he said, “I don’t think that will happen. In fact, now she can make father some money again since you don’t waste all of her time at the discounted rate- that whore.”

Pyotr feigned a chuckle, and then looked up at the sun again. It was beginning to darken along the edge like the moon changing phase. Soon, Pyotr imagined, it would wink out entirely and the sky would light up with forests, mountains, and rivers instead of constellations.

“Do you think we will sleep in the boat tonight?” He mused.

“I doubt it,” Abram answered, “The current is already taking that poor bitch to its grave.”

The Commissar stated that today was a great day for the people, and Captain Konstantinovich whispered in his ear. They spoke quietly and heatedly for a few minutes, and then Ivanovich sulked his way back into the ship. The Captain shouted to the crew milling about in the sand that they would camp along the shore that night, and set out tomorrow to explore the surrounding land.

“Told you,” Abram muttered to Pyotr as they worked their way to a pile of damp bedrolls and tents.

By half sun the K-235 had been torn from the sandy beach and into the depths of the sea along with the beds, the kitchen, and the toilets that the crew was already beginning to miss. And as the sun winked out the crew laid down to sleep.

“SHWAAAAAAAAK!”

Pyotr struggled to stand and defend himself before he realized he was trapped inside his sleeping bag. Something stood on his chest, and unfalteringly rode his squirming form.

“Shwaaak!” It cried.

Pyotr laid back and tried to see his assailant in the darkness. From his right a light blasted him, and once his vision cleared the tube of light illuminated a squat animal on his chest. It looked like a penguin, only it was white and red instead of the usual coloration. The animal’s soft blue eyes peered down at him.

“You looked like a sausage trying to escape a fat man, comrade.” He heard Senior Matrose Mikhail Borisovich’s high pitched voice from beyond the light. “You want me to kill this bird for you?” A pistol cocked.

“No, no, that is not needed Meeky. I don’t want my first memory of the Fabled Land to be shooting a stupid bird. Besides, he is cute, yes?”

“Shwaaaaaaaak!” The penguin stamped its webbed foot down on Pyotr’s chest, and something glinted in the light.

Pyotr craned his neck to look closer, and saw that some fragment of the K-235 had become lodged in its ankle. He pulled his arms out of the sleeping bag and caressed the animal’s head. Then, cooing, he snatched the bit of metal out of its leg. The bird fluttered its stumpy wings briefly, and then settled down- never moving from Pyotr’s chest. He sighed and moved the bird onto the inky sand between himself and Mikhail. The light gave the penguin a halo briefly before Mikhail switched it off with an audible click.

“Thank you for saving me from this beast Meeky, now go to sleep, there is much to do tomorrow,” Pyotr said, then drifted back to sleep as Mikhail’s footsteps retreated into the darkness.

That morning Pyotr awoke to a blood-red penguin staring him down. Pyotr blinked, the penguin blinked. Pyotr wondered to himself if penguins were supposed to be able to blink, but he put that thought aside as the least of his worries at the moment. He shooed the penguin away, but it would not budge from his side. Pyotr shrugged and stood up, smoothing down the wrinkles in his slept-in uniform.

A thin mist had formed along the shore, and it obscured much of the crew and supplies. A few figures shuffled along the sand, given away by the dim glow of their cigarettes.

“Shwaak!”

Pyotr ignored the bird as he looked around for Abram and Mikhail. When he found Abram he administered a swift kick which was met with some half-muttered curses that he ignored. He merely nudged Mikhail with the toe of his boot, because he had a much slighter build than Abram and he was afraid he might injure Mikhail. He had no such compunction towards Abram, however, because the man was build like a bear and, perhaps more importantly, Abram usually deserved such treatment.

They assembled in a half circle with the rest of the crew around the Captain who was assigning survey groups and issuing orders. The Commissar stood behind him and inspected the crew, presumably looking for signs of dissidence now that they were so far from the rallying force of the motherland. A number of unfamiliar crew members lined up beside the Captain and were paired off with the groups. They carried with them various pieces of unusual equipment that Pyotr could only assume was for charting the new continent.

Behind him he heard Abram say, “How did I not see these people before?”

“They are scientists, they would not mingle with the common crew,” Mikhail replied, “Now shut up and pay attention.”

When the Captain was done with assignments the crew collected their gear and went off with their commanding officer and their scientist. Pyotr, Abram, and Mikhail answered to Captain Lieutenant Boris Borisovich the third who explained that their mission was to march straight ahead until the sand ended or the sun set, whichever came first. He then introduced their scientist, Lenka Victorovna, and explained that they were to find samples of local plants and animals for her to catalogue and study.

“Hooray, a woman! And an attractive one at that!” Abram cheered under his breath, causing Mikhail to chuckle.

“She is too good for you, be quiet now,” Mikhail muttered.

Abram attempted to reply, but Boris was alerted to their exchange. He strode confidently over to the two men. “Do you have something to add to the briefing?” He asked in the angriest tone he could muster.

Mikhail opened his mouth to apologize, but all they heard was, “SHWAAAK!” The small man jumped.

Boris looked down at the penguin. “This is what?”

Pyotr said, “It is some sort of bird; his name is, um, Shrapnel. He has followed me wherever I go. I cannot rid myself of him.”

Boris looked at the scientist, “Lenka will need to see it, but since it follows you we will march first. We have ground to cover.” She nodded in agreement, and Boris began to lead the group across the sand.

“Lucky break for you, Meecky.” Pyotr said as they began to march.

“True,” Mikhail replied. Then asked, “Why do you call me Meeky?”

Pyotr smiled, “Because you are short, and your voice is high, and it works with your name to call you Meeky. You know, like Meeky Mouse? But mostly, it pleases me to do so.”

“Who is this mouse?”

“Hmm… I suppose you would not know. A long time ago a neighbor managed to pirate American television broadcasts, and he let me watch a show where ugly American children worshipped this mouse character. When I was a child it seemed harmless and fun. Then this neighbor disappeared and I was questioned by men. I told them that it only reaffirmed for me that American children were weak and being brainwashed, and because I was a child I was not required to be reeducated. My family was watched for some time though.”

“And you would associate me with this?”

“You are both weak-minded and like a mouse. Also, I outrank you, so I can do what I want to you.”

Mikhail prepared to say something in his defense, but Abram cut into their conversation. “Why are you two so hot for each other? It is Lenka you should focus on, not some capitalist rodent! It is shameful that you can even think of such things with a fine woman like her around! More importantly, what do you think my chances are of having her?”

Pyotr sighed. “Ask yourself this: Was any of the captain’s liquor saved from the boat, and can I get it? My no-culture friend, I think you are without luck.”

“That is unfair! What woman could resist a man like me?” Abram said, flexing his muscles. “And with a cute face like mine, she will turn to butter.”

The three men laughed, and Mikhail commented that Abram should probably work on getting the liquor, and both Pyotr and Abram told him to be quiet. He glared at them, but complied.

The sun burned full over the beach, and the group began to see trees along the horizon.

“SHWAAAAK!”

“Damn bird…”

Hello, My Name is Cee... Maybe...

2006-11-07T06:08:00.000+01:00

So, apparently it is my civic duty to vote, there are a great many people who are terribly concerned with my votingness. I mostly say something grumpy as I hang up the phone.

So far I have received five calls (2 automated, 2 from the same guy) attempting to increase my resolve to vote. Also, many of them think I am a Mr. See (Sea, Cee, C?) Yung (Young, Jung, Bob?). At first I thought they had some sort of magic nickname for Chris, but that is not the case. Either way I hang up angrily or act extremely offended that they might not know my actual name.

For example, "See, See? Who is See? TRY AGAIN!" (click)

Because the name sounds Asiatic, I consider firing off a random stream of horrible, bigoted racial slurs and how offended that I am that they would even consider that a fine Aryan such as myself might have ancestry on the so-called "other continent," and that if their candidate would even consider asking for the vote of such a person I would be forced to vote for their opponent due to my extreme disgust until they feel so awkward from having called me that they wet their pants or something.

Then I realize I'm lazy and just hang up.

Oh well.

I wonder to myself if the reason they have these calling things is that old people like to have someone to talk to, and thus are easily swayed votewise.

I've also felt pressure from teachers, friends, and fellow students ("peers," bleh) to go vote. If I feel special I give them some lunatic response about hating the government or not having my soul stolen.

If not I politely respond that I'm a SoDak and have no right voting for their elected official in any way, shape, or form.

Personally, I think that as a person who doesn't pay taxes or hold permanent residence within the state, I should not have the right to vote on issues directly pertinent to the lives of those who do match those criteria.

I guess I'm old fashioned like that.

Errata: Also, for anyone who might care, I do realize that traditionally Aryans do come from the "other continent." That's totally not the point and if you thought that to yourself while reading the tirade then you should apologize in a comment below.

Fucked if I Know...

2006-10-03T19:22:00.000+02:00

Wayward Hymn

Fire and brimstone be fallin' down on me.
Time ta' hide, time ta' hide!
God's yellow eye be lookin' for me.
He knows I lied, he knows I lied.

Under rocks, in a cave, and a'hind a stump,
I use ta' hide, I use ta' hide.
Now I be wearin' me a grinnin' mask.
How it lies. Oh how it lies!

'cause I be the sinner man,
Not the preacher man,
Not your lover man,
Just a wander man who can never find a home.

When the snow be comin',
He still be here, but I won't be here.
Rest of me flown so far away,
And gotta stop runnin' soon.

Iron shirt I be wearing now,
Ready ta' fight, ready ta' fight.
Little baby joke just got born here,
Cause I know I'm wrong, I know He's right.

Guess it don't matter much no more,
'cause I done leave you here.

Minnesota

2006-09-23T16:55:00.000+02:00

Things I hate about Minnesota (Hereby referred to as, "your stupid state"):

1. Laws, your stupid state has them.

Things I like about your stupid state:

1. Everything that makes it not South Dakota, excluding the aforementioned laws.

Can't Sleep

2006-09-21T11:54:00.000+02:00

Gee, it sure has been a while since I last posted here. My life gets progressively more boring as time advances.

I thought about just grabbing some of my old junk off of the computer, but then I realize I have already posted everything that was worth noticing. This was quite a bit of stuff in upon itself, mind you, but it ran out like everything else.

Lately I have been considering death, and I have realized that it scares the shit out of me. In my youth I imagined two things, that it wouldn't happen for a long time and that it wouldn't matter because, to be fair, it's not like I would be around to miss myself.

It's that last part that has begun to frighten me. The thought of simply not existing anymore. To no longer experience, no more thought, not even the dim consciousness of my own existence that I have during sleep. Forever.

I thought about what it would be like and my mind recoiled in pain, it is such an alien thought. I don't know what not existing would be like, it is an unfathomable idea... like a color that has never been seen by humans before.

(Think of a color that has never been seen before... I'll wait.
...
...
...
I bet you thought of some sort of brown-purple, and everyone already knows what blurple looks like you stupid fuck.)

But, because there is nothing I can really do about dieing, I'll just ignore it like everything else for now.

It's almost enough to make me wanna become a Christian.

Evan is So Dumb

2006-08-16T07:41:00.000+02:00

Because Evan didn't know what this was, I decided to do a work of public service.

"What's Opera, Doc?"

MAGIC HELMET!!!

New Link to Check Out

2006-08-01T08:34:00.000+02:00

Go to Meatspin.

...

Actually, on second thought, you are better off not looking at it. Just, just don't.

Really. Don't look.

Oh God it is awful.

I Feel Ripped Off

2006-08-01T03:39:00.000+02:00

Muse has recently (or at some point, I don't know when) made a music video which is clearly an homage to "The World's Greatest Cowboy, Part 6."

It is pretty cool, watch it here!

Running Out of Words!!!

2006-07-15T07:25:00.000+02:00

Thought should type something unable gather adequite verbage.

Lethargy has zenithed.

Remix

2006-07-06T04:59:00.000+02:00

I created a new mix cd of my music, and the thought came to me that I should take lyrics to make a poem.

(read: I was bored...)

To the first person who can find the artist/song for each lyric gets a steak or something, to be awarded when I feel like it. I would say no internet, but really much of this is pretty obscure and almost none of them are major lyrics from the songs.

Do your demons, do they ever let you go?
I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright.
Never did I want to be here again, and I don't remember why I came.
I will hope my soul will fly and I will live forever!

Back in my day son, a man had to pay for the wicked he done.
Finally someone let me out of my cage.
Not a prisoner, I'm a free man, and my blood is my own now.
So raise the banner, take back your bones.

I'm the new cancer, never looked better.
If you're wonderin' what it look like look at me!
I will stand my ground, won't be turned around.
And I will remain a soldier, 'till the war is won.

The wind will whisper the way it is, I'm going to happen.
I don't think you trust in my self-rightous suicide.
Take second best, put me to the test.
In the name of God my father I'll fly!

Come and make me holy again.

One-Upmanship

2006-07-04T07:07:00.000+02:00

Subject:
Many Thanks & May Allah blessing remain with you.
Date:
3Jul06 6:58am
Attn: Director / C.e.o,
I am contacting you for an urgent assistance to mobilize a business
transaction and further to have explicit investment information about your
country from you. I got your information from my incarcerated husband's
file.
I am Princess Fayad W. Bolkiah, the wife of Prince Jefri Bolkiah, former
Finance Minister of Brunei, the tiny oil-rich sultanate on the Gulf Island.
I will save your time by not amplifying my extended royal family history,
which has already been disseminated by the international media during the
controversial dispute that erupted between my husband and his stepbrother,
the sultan of Brunei Sheik Muda Hassanal Bolkiah.
As you may know from the international media, the sultan had accused my
husband of financial mismanagement and impropriety of US$14.8 Billion
dollars. This was as a result of the Asian financial crisis that made my
husband's company Amedeo Development Company and government owned Brunei
Investment Company to be declared bank-rupt during his tenure in office.
However my husband is in jail now, his bank accounts and private properties
including a crude oil export refinery have been confiscated by the
sultanate.
Furthermore, during this unfortunate period I was advised to evacuate my
immediate family outside the sultanate to avoid further prosecution from
the sultan and his security operatives, but luck ran against me on my
attempt to escape. I am now kept under house arrest by the Sultan and I
have no access to a phone but I have a Palm V hand-held computer from which
I am sending you this mail.
Before my In-castration, I went ahead to dispatch the sum
of US$20,500,000,00 (Twenty Million Five Houndred Thausand United States
Dollars) in cash
under special arrangement into the custody of different Private security
and Trustee Company for safe keeping abroad. This action was on the orders
of my husband to me to enable us start a new life. The money was insured
and deposited in the custody of the security firm in ERUOPE.
Hence I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into profitable
investment in your country to facilitate future survival for my
family abroad. I have decided to offer 20% of these funds to you as
compensation for your strong cooperation.
Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust
while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of
this business transaction. If you write back, I will then give you the
details of whom to meet in EUROPE, for the completion of
the transaction in confidence.
Many Thanks & May Allah blessing remain with you.
I remain yours sincerely,
Princess Fayad .W. Bolkiah.
N.B: Always reply me through my alternative address:fayadbolkiah28@yahoo.co.uk

(Surpringly well written, still faker than shit. Also, 20% of the funds? Usually they at least give 40... oh well, what do you expect from a princess...)

Also, what the hell is "in-castration?" It sounds painful.

Idle Thoughts

2006-06-29T07:59:00.000+02:00

Did you know that old men with cowboy hats have an insatiable desire to comment on how large I am? Mostly it is a "no shit" sort of comment. The one where they look at me and say something to the effect of "Gee, you are tall!"

Here are some of the other things they have said:
"You are as big as a horse!"
"I bet you had a hard time at school. People like to pick on the big guy, because when a little guy starts something with the big guy he is a hero... but more often then not the big guy wins and nobody cares."
I have been called, "Mongo Jr."

And my favorite, "You don't look like a forklift, but you are definitely big enough!"

All of this has been consistently from older men (40-60 years old, rough estimate) wearing cowboy hats. It is significantly less likely that I will receive a comment about my size from someone who does not meet those two criteria.

I am currently taking suggestions on why this may be (please leave as comments, serious ideas need not apply). My best guess is that they are rodeo/ranch folk, so people my size are a valued commodity and they probably wish their sons were as big as I am.

I'm just glad there are people around to make sure I remember I'm big, because I can't remember things like that on my own.

What else...

Oh yea, one of my "deep" (lol) thoughts for the month has been, "if I had three wishes, what would I wish for." A long time ago in my high school creative writing class we had to write out what we would wish for and why. At the time I wrote that I would wish for a really good dog or a magic AK-47 that never ran out of bullets, things that are useful and hard/impossible to find.

I filled the rest of the page with a rant about people who wish for money, love, etc. (the usual wishes I knew the rest of my class would write about). Basically, I felt that if you had any sense you would (a) wish for the means to attain those things so if they ever ran out you have the ability to get more and (b) were cheating if you actually wished for that sort of thing.

I mean, really, money isn't worth half as much if you don't earn it. That doesn't mean I won't buy lotto tickets, but wish for something meaningful and you can get money through it. "I wish I was a great inventor," for example. At least then you are doing good for the world at the same time. This goes quadruple for the 'love' wishes, and many wish-based television shows have even acknowledged that wishing to force people to love you is just plain bullshit and is against the rules.

World Peace is a bullshit wish. Much of the progression of mankind will depend on how we work out this sort of thing, so wishing away such a huge problem like that is probably a bad idea in the long run. Also, war has its uses...

I still consider the immortality wish. I'm not sure if I would want it or not... But that is a discussion I don't feel like typing out now...

I've considered what I would want to wish for now, and haven't progressed much from when I was a teen.

1. I wish that I had a magical rifle that never ran out of bullets. (I no longer want an AK, but haven't thought up a new breed to replace it.)
2. I wish that I had a really good dog who would last as long as I do.

But here's the new one.

3. I wish that I will always have as much strength as I need.

This one is actually a magic power my brother gave to a character in one of his stories, and I thought it was a really cool idea. It's not, "I wish I were really strong," or even " I wish I was the strongest entity on earth." I would just have an inner reserve so there is always a little more.

Now you see why these two thoughts are connected.

Assuming you had to wish by the rules I laid out (things that were either normally impossible or extremely rare, none of that "Get Out of Effort Free!" cheating!) what would you wish for?

Consumer Whore

2006-06-28T02:09:00.000+02:00

Hello gentle reader,

Today I bring to you a music recommendation so that Downtown Records might grow corpulent upon your hard earned money.

The album in question is St. Elsewhere by a mysterious pseudonym "Gnarls Barkley" which hides Danger Mouse and some guy named Cee-Lo. Some of you might recognize Danger Mouse's name from the Danger Doom album much plugged by my fellow whores, Adult Swim.

I really enjoyed most of the songs on this album, and you should at least give it a glance through a downloading service or the music samples available at the above Amazon.com link, I think you'll enjoy him to.

My favorite songs are probably "Go Go Gadget Gospel" and "Crazy." And my favorite line is, "I can do a dance that will make the sky cry blood!" Which comes from "Storm Coming."

Check it out.

(Links stolen blatantly from Amazon.com's samples.)

Daydreams

2006-06-25T07:40:00.000+02:00

I often catch myself daydreaming during long periods of boredom. The eight hour drive to or from school often leaves me open to think.

Usually my daydreams are horrifically violent, often involving me heroically killing a small army of assailants. Things like, "What would I do if armed gunmen attacked the student center if I were in ."

My most recent one is what I would do if a number of gunmen (terrorists with a bomb, counterstrike-style) attacked Lowes, and I had to defend it using only the resources available to me in my department.

Generally this means using the gardening tools to ambush a lone gunman or small group and scavenge their weapons. "Gardening tools" meaning a variety of axes and sledgehammers, or possibly a fouchard. I wonder what I could do with a rake...

In the end it just makes me wish we had gasoline in my department so I could use a chainsaw (or even the super cool Chainsaw-on-a-stick!).

God I'm bored.

Hooray For Nigeria

2006-06-23T02:38:00.000+02:00

For some reason the UMM website has died horribly. Before that happened, I got this
peice of email, which I saved because, well, it was special.

GREETINGS TO YOU
MAY THE BLESSINGS
OF GOD BE WITH YOU
AS YOU READTHIS MAIL.
EMAIL:motherhannah111@yahoo.com
I am mother HANNAH, a widow to late ANDREW GABRIEL, I am 60 yrs
old, I am now a newchristian convert, suffering from long time cancer
of the breast, fromall indication my condition is really deteriorating
and it's quiteobvious that I won't live more than ten months,
According
to mydoctors. This is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very
bad
stage .My late husband killed during the U.S raid againstterrorism in
Afghanistan, and during the period of our marriage we hada 23 yrs old
son
who died in an auto crash three years ago.
My latehusband was very wealthy and after his death i inherited all
hisbusiness and wealth. The doctor has advice me that I may not live
formore than then months, so i now decided to devide the part ofthis
wealth, to contribute to the development of the chruchin
africa,America,Asia and also in europe.
I prayed over it. I amwilling to donate the sum of Fifteen million
United State Dollars(USD$15,000,000) to the less privileged. Please I
want you to note thatthis fund is lying in a security company and upon
my instruction, myattorney who presently is in NIGERIA where the fund
is
deposited,will file in an
application for the transfer of the money in yourname.
Lastly, I honestly pray that this money when transfered will beused
for the said purpose, because I have come to find out thatwealth
acquisition without christ is vanity. May the Grace of our LordJesus
the
love of God and the fellowship of God be with you and yourfamily. I
await
your urgent reply.
Yours In Christ.
MOTHER HANNAH GABRIEL

Just brings you to tears, doesn't it? I mean, this poor woman is dieing of cancer, is a devout christian, and has a
huge sum of money that needs to be transferred from nigeria.
I think the pun that the fund was 'lying' in a security fund was unintentional...
This letter raises so many questions because they try to hit every heartstring of the individual it was intended to scam.
1. This lady is dieing. Hah! Take that!
2. This ladies' husband was killed in the war on terror. Her son in a tragic auto accident.
3. This woman is a Christian.
Now, what the fuck is an millionaire doing fighting in the armed services?
How old are these people that one is dieing of cancer and they have a 23 year old son? She says 60! Now, unless she was robbing the cradle with her millionaire soldier husband, that means that the military sent a 60ish year old man into combat...
At first I thought, huh, this is odd. Then "Nigeria" suddenly appeared to put all the info into context.
Even without knowing the Nigerian scam deal, what the fuck would her lawyer (and the savings of an honest American soldier) be doing in Nigeria of all places?

How stupid are people?

I think the worst part of this one is that it is an offer to have the money donated in your name to charity, which I assume involves my bank account info. Now, the other Nigerians at least have the decency to offer a cut which I probably won't receive. Fucking my name on a charity to build churces for Nigerians! WOO!

Besides, why doesn't she want her name on the donation? Or even why not give an anonymous donation?

Also, "I have come to find out thatwealthacquisition without christ is vanity."

What the fuck does that even mean? Do I need Jesus as my business partner? I already let Jesus into my heart and his cat ruined the place, I don't think I want him in my office.

(I didn't think the Jews were that vain, btw...)

I get a lot of Nigeria-themed emails, anyway.

This got me thinking, I want a job that uses my major, right? These Nigerians need help with their English language usage and the believability of their terrible lies... you see where this is going.

From a moral standpoint, the true victims of these types of scams are stupid people. I, on the other hand, very much hate stupid people. Often I find that stupid people are cause of grief in my life. Because of this, I think that scamming them would actually be compensation for this grief. Really, I am only getting what is fair to me.

Anyone know where they take applications?

p.s. Even if I all of this were real, there are enough churches named after some guy named Patrick.

In Other News

2006-06-02T05:01:00.000+02:00

Turns out I had left comment moderation on. Not sure when I had turned it on to begin with... probably trying to find some way to remove spam...

Oh well.

I will start work in the "lawn and garden" department, doing something. Probably sales rep and something that involves a forklift.

The more time I spend thumb-twiddling at home the more I wish I were back at school.
The more time I spend doing homework at school the more I wish I were back at home.
Go figure.

Um... what else...

I dunno... more to come.

Hooray!

2006-06-01T18:55:00.000+02:00

Well, barring the occurrance that I turn out to be a criminal or a drug addict I have a job with Lowes, which means I will very suddenly be much less fun.

Of course, it will take them another week and a half to run all the checks...

Oh well.

I Think This Is Cool

2006-05-27T07:14:00.000+02:00

Lordi!

This is a link to the Finnish heavy metal band "Lordi" who recently won the Eurovision Song Contest. It was fairly surprising due to the fact that they are fairly similar to GWAR, only with musical talent. Lots of bizarre costume involved.

Here are links to music videos of some of their better songs.
Hard Rock Hallelujah
Would you Love a Monsterman?
Blood Red Sandman

My favorite is "Blood Red Sandman." I think. "Monsterman" was pretty good too... deciding things is hard.

Check them out.