Sermon

Loyalty is the first virtue.

To be loyal is to put another first for no other reason than the fact that they exist, without the expectation of personal gain. It is constant and unrestrained charity that ends only in death. It is the willingness the sacrifice the self for the salvation of another. Loyalty is greater than love.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.

Justice is the second virtue.

To be just is to be infinitely fair in all one’s decisions. It is the preservation of balance in the pursuit of truth. If one is just then he will never do what he knows in his heart to be wrong and will be unassailable by those who would lead him to sin. Justice is greater than temperance.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.

Determination is the third virtue.

To be determined is pit oneself against any opposition. It is to refute anything that denies the self and it is the denial of the possible death of the self. If one is determined then defeat is impossible, only the absence of victory. Determination is greater than courage.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.

Perfection is the fourth virtue.

To be perfect is to not err in any facility. It is to always do the right thing. It is to succeed whenever possible, and to only fail when the world conspires to prevent your victory. Everyone is with fault, but if one aspires to be perfect then they set the most worthy goal of all. Perfection is greater than excellence.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.
Perfection is the fourth virtue, which you cannot be.

Self-awareness is the fifth virtue.

To be self-aware is to understand that one exists. It is to understand the price of one’s actions, and the worth of one’s acts. If one is self-aware then one knows their faults and their strengths, and will be able to act appropriately. Self-awareness is the source from which all other virtues come.

Loyalty is the first virtue, which you owe to another.
Justice is the second virtue, which you owe to the world.
Determination is the third virtue, which you owe to yourself.
Perfection is the fourth virtue, which you cannot be.
Self-awareness is the fifth virtue, which you must be.

Surrounding and opposing the five virtues are twenty three vices.

The first order of vices is those which show the weakness of spirit.

Hopelessness, for it is the admission of defeat before one tries.
Failure, for one has not failed if he has done everything they could to succeed.
Tolerance, for one who accepts a fault allows it to grow.
Passivity, for one who does not take a stand he cannot succeed.
Mercy, for one will always be in conflict as long as one’s enemies exist.
Dishonesty, for one who is unwilling to reveal the truth is a coward.
Hate, for hating something denies it the ability to change for the better.

The second order of vices is those which show failure to serve diligence.

Accident, for everything one does should be with intent.
Irrationality, for everything one does should be considered.
Ignorance, for ignorance only serves to facilitate failure.
Impatience, for it prevents one from considering all options.
Recklessness, for it leads to one disregarding the proper path.
Sloth, for if one does not act when they know what is right they deserve to fail.
Venality, for anyone with a price will fail to do what is right.

The third order of vices is those which show that one loves himself most.

Vanity, for the excessive love of one’s appearance makes the world ugly.
Lust, for the excessive love of carnality only leads only to causing others pain.
Envy, for the hate of that which is greater than oneself leads only to destruction.
Greed, for the love of objects leads only causes others loss.
Wrath, for the love of vengeance leads one to forget their duty.
Hypocrisy, for it only reveals love for the self and hate for all others.
Betrayal, for those who deserve one’s love most are those who trust you.

The fourth order of vices is those which cause all other vices.

Pride, for when everyone is beneath you they have no value.
Dogmatism, for no absolute captures the complexity of life.

To live with all virtues and without any vices is the path to Raptor Jesus' love, and that is the truth.

Why Do You Come To This Place?

I was bored, so I looked around on my sitemeter for odd google searches my blog showed up as. They are all from the U.S. except where marked.

brad coulombe -Canada
Big Pizza Porno -Netherlands
barrett jesus
"They don't like themselves"
Invincible Wheel spell
"Where to be happy?"
"axe of gork"
"i hate new yorkers"
is the nickelodeon show unfabulous quitting
"love validates all"

Шрапнель

K-235 was lost during classified exploration of the Antarctic coastline. A detachment was sent from the main fleet to attempt to find the wayward vessel or its wreckage, but found neither. What they didn’t know was that they couldn’t find the submarine because K-235 was no longer on the coastline of the Antarctic, or anywhere else that could be found on a chart or map for that matter. What was generally believed, as the crew was finding out to be true, was that the vessel would never return home.

-

The hidden whirlpool that had unexpectedly dropped the K-235 into an inland sea and careening to the shore thundered behind Starshina First Class Pyotr Vadimovich as he disembarked from the stricken vessel. The dark black sand of the shore whuffed underneath his boot. He tightened his jacket against the cold wind that blew from the hole the submarine had fallen through. Men solemnly moved among the boxes that were strewn along the ebony beach, taking stock of everything that had been salvaged from the vessel.

Meanwhile Commissar Ivanovich gave a speech from the K-235’s prow saluting the bravery and courage of the crew who have managed to do what Hitler could not. Russia would be the first country to lay claim to Agartha, the mythical land inside of Earth, and use its resources to further the cause of Communism on conventional top-side Earth. His passionate cries echoed across the barren black sand.

Pyotr thought that it didn’t matter anymore, because no one would know that they had done anything more spectacular than dying. He looked up and down the empty shore. There was nothing spectacular about this place, no magic. It looked just like anywhere else. Except the sun, Pyotr realized, it was rotating slowly and only half of it seemed to be on fire. It looked like it was permanently eclipsing. Abram, Pyotr’s subordinate, put a meaty hand on his shoulder and broke his chain of thought. Pyotr greeted him with a grim smile.

“I am pleased that the Navy made it to Agartha before the cosmonauts landed on Nibiru, comrade, my only regret is that it was us who made this discovery and not some other misfortunate ship,” Abram said. “Also, at this point I regret that no women were brought on this expedition, because I doubt we will see another woman for a long time.”

“I agree,” Pyotr replied, “but I am more concerned that your sister will become lonely without me to visit her.”

“No,” Abram winked as he said, “I don’t think that will happen. In fact, now she can make father some money again since you don’t waste all of her time at the discounted rate- that whore.”

Pyotr feigned a chuckle, and then looked up at the sun again. It was beginning to darken along the edge like the moon changing phase. Soon, Pyotr imagined, it would wink out entirely and the sky would light up with forests, mountains, and rivers instead of constellations.

“Do you think we will sleep in the boat tonight?” He mused.

“I doubt it,” Abram answered, “The current is already taking that poor bitch to its grave.”

The Commissar stated that today was a great day for the people, and Captain Konstantinovich whispered in his ear. They spoke quietly and heatedly for a few minutes, and then Ivanovich sulked his way back into the ship. The Captain shouted to the crew milling about in the sand that they would camp along the shore that night, and set out tomorrow to explore the surrounding land.

“Told you,” Abram muttered to Pyotr as they worked their way to a pile of damp bedrolls and tents.

By half sun the K-235 had been torn from the sandy beach and into the depths of the sea along with the beds, the kitchen, and the toilets that the crew was already beginning to miss. And as the sun winked out the crew laid down to sleep.

-

“SHWAAAAAAAAK!”

Pyotr struggled to stand and defend himself before he realized he was trapped inside his sleeping bag. Something stood on his chest, and unfalteringly rode his squirming form.

“Shwaaak!” It cried.

Pyotr laid back and tried to see his assailant in the darkness. From his right a light blasted him, and once his vision cleared the tube of light illuminated a squat animal on his chest. It looked like a penguin, only it was white and red instead of the usual coloration. The animal’s soft blue eyes peered down at him.

“You looked like a sausage trying to escape a fat man, comrade.” He heard Senior Matrose Mikhail Borisovich’s high pitched voice from beyond the light. “You want me to kill this bird for you?” A pistol cocked.

“No, no, that is not needed Meeky. I don’t want my first memory of the Fabled Land to be shooting a stupid bird. Besides, he is cute, yes?”

“Shwaaaaaaaak!” The penguin stamped its webbed foot down on Pyotr’s chest, and something glinted in the light.

Pyotr craned his neck to look closer, and saw that some fragment of the K-235 had become lodged in its ankle. He pulled his arms out of the sleeping bag and caressed the animal’s head. Then, cooing, he snatched the bit of metal out of its leg. The bird fluttered its stumpy wings briefly, and then settled down- never moving from Pyotr’s chest. He sighed and moved the bird onto the inky sand between himself and Mikhail. The light gave the penguin a halo briefly before Mikhail switched it off with an audible click.

“Thank you for saving me from this beast Meeky, now go to sleep, there is much to do tomorrow,” Pyotr said, then drifted back to sleep as Mikhail’s footsteps retreated into the darkness.

-

That morning Pyotr awoke to a blood-red penguin staring him down. Pyotr blinked, the penguin blinked. Pyotr wondered to himself if penguins were supposed to be able to blink, but he put that thought aside as the least of his worries at the moment. He shooed the penguin away, but it would not budge from his side. Pyotr shrugged and stood up, smoothing down the wrinkles in his slept-in uniform.

A thin mist had formed along the shore, and it obscured much of the crew and supplies. A few figures shuffled along the sand, given away by the dim glow of their cigarettes.

“Shwaak!”

Pyotr ignored the bird as he looked around for Abram and Mikhail. When he found Abram he administered a swift kick which was met with some half-muttered curses that he ignored. He merely nudged Mikhail with the toe of his boot, because he had a much slighter build than Abram and he was afraid he might injure Mikhail. He had no such compunction towards Abram, however, because the man was build like a bear and, perhaps more importantly, Abram usually deserved such treatment.

They assembled in a half circle with the rest of the crew around the Captain who was assigning survey groups and issuing orders. The Commissar stood behind him and inspected the crew, presumably looking for signs of dissidence now that they were so far from the rallying force of the motherland. A number of unfamiliar crew members lined up beside the Captain and were paired off with the groups. They carried with them various pieces of unusual equipment that Pyotr could only assume was for charting the new continent.

Behind him he heard Abram say, “How did I not see these people before?”

“They are scientists, they would not mingle with the common crew,” Mikhail replied, “Now shut up and pay attention.”

When the Captain was done with assignments the crew collected their gear and went off with their commanding officer and their scientist. Pyotr, Abram, and Mikhail answered to Captain Lieutenant Boris Borisovich the third who explained that their mission was to march straight ahead until the sand ended or the sun set, whichever came first. He then introduced their scientist, Lenka Victorovna, and explained that they were to find samples of local plants and animals for her to catalogue and study.

“Hooray, a woman! And an attractive one at that!” Abram cheered under his breath, causing Mikhail to chuckle.

“She is too good for you, be quiet now,” Mikhail muttered.

Abram attempted to reply, but Boris was alerted to their exchange. He strode confidently over to the two men. “Do you have something to add to the briefing?” He asked in the angriest tone he could muster.

Mikhail opened his mouth to apologize, but all they heard was, “SHWAAAK!” The small man jumped.

Boris looked down at the penguin. “This is what?”

Pyotr said, “It is some sort of bird; his name is, um, Shrapnel. He has followed me wherever I go. I cannot rid myself of him.”

Boris looked at the scientist, “Lenka will need to see it, but since it follows you we will march first. We have ground to cover.” She nodded in agreement, and Boris began to lead the group across the sand.

“Lucky break for you, Meecky.” Pyotr said as they began to march.

“True,” Mikhail replied. Then asked, “Why do you call me Meeky?”

Pyotr smiled, “Because you are short, and your voice is high, and it works with your name to call you Meeky. You know, like Meeky Mouse? But mostly, it pleases me to do so.”

“Who is this mouse?”

“Hmm… I suppose you would not know. A long time ago a neighbor managed to pirate American television broadcasts, and he let me watch a show where ugly American children worshipped this mouse character. When I was a child it seemed harmless and fun. Then this neighbor disappeared and I was questioned by men. I told them that it only reaffirmed for me that American children were weak and being brainwashed, and because I was a child I was not required to be reeducated. My family was watched for some time though.”

“And you would associate me with this?”

“You are both weak-minded and like a mouse. Also, I outrank you, so I can do what I want to you.”

Mikhail prepared to say something in his defense, but Abram cut into their conversation. “Why are you two so hot for each other? It is Lenka you should focus on, not some capitalist rodent! It is shameful that you can even think of such things with a fine woman like her around! More importantly, what do you think my chances are of having her?”

Pyotr sighed. “Ask yourself this: Was any of the captain’s liquor saved from the boat, and can I get it? My no-culture friend, I think you are without luck.”

“That is unfair! What woman could resist a man like me?” Abram said, flexing his muscles. “And with a cute face like mine, she will turn to butter.”

The three men laughed, and Mikhail commented that Abram should probably work on getting the liquor, and both Pyotr and Abram told him to be quiet. He glared at them, but complied.

The sun burned full over the beach, and the group began to see trees along the horizon.



“SHWAAAAK!”

“Damn bird…”

Hello, My Name is Cee... Maybe...

So, apparently it is my civic duty to vote, there are a great many people who are terribly concerned with my votingness. I mostly say something grumpy as I hang up the phone.

So far I have received five calls (2 automated, 2 from the same guy) attempting to increase my resolve to vote. Also, many of them think I am a Mr. See (Sea, Cee, C?) Yung (Young, Jung, Bob?). At first I thought they had some sort of magic nickname for Chris, but that is not the case. Either way I hang up angrily or act extremely offended that they might not know my actual name.

For example, "See, See? Who is See? TRY AGAIN!" (click)

Because the name sounds Asiatic, I consider firing off a random stream of horrible, bigoted racial slurs and how offended that I am that they would even consider that a fine Aryan such as myself might have ancestry on the so-called "other continent," and that if their candidate would even consider asking for the vote of such a person I would be forced to vote for their opponent due to my extreme disgust until they feel so awkward from having called me that they wet their pants or something.

Then I realize I'm lazy and just hang up.

Oh well.

I wonder to myself if the reason they have these calling things is that old people like to have someone to talk to, and thus are easily swayed votewise.

I've also felt pressure from teachers, friends, and fellow students ("peers," bleh) to go vote. If I feel special I give them some lunatic response about hating the government or not having my soul stolen.

If not I politely respond that I'm a SoDak and have no right voting for their elected official in any way, shape, or form.

Personally, I think that as a person who doesn't pay taxes or hold permanent residence within the state, I should not have the right to vote on issues directly pertinent to the lives of those who do match those criteria.

I guess I'm old fashioned like that.

Errata: Also, for anyone who might care, I do realize that traditionally Aryans do come from the "other continent." That's totally not the point and if you thought that to yourself while reading the tirade then you should apologize in a comment below.

Fucked if I Know...

Wayward Hymn

Fire and brimstone be fallin' down on me.
Time ta' hide, time ta' hide!
God's yellow eye be lookin' for me.
He knows I lied, he knows I lied.

Under rocks, in a cave, and a'hind a stump,
I use ta' hide, I use ta' hide.
Now I be wearin' me a grinnin' mask.
How it lies. Oh how it lies!

'cause I be the sinner man,
Not the preacher man,
Not your lover man,
Just a wander man who can never find a home.

When the snow be comin',
He still be here, but I won't be here.
Rest of me flown so far away,
And gotta stop runnin' soon.

Iron shirt I be wearing now,
Ready ta' fight, ready ta' fight.
Little baby joke just got born here,
Cause I know I'm wrong, I know He's right.

Guess it don't matter much no more,
'cause I done leave you here.

Minnesota

Things I hate about Minnesota (Hereby referred to as, "your stupid state"):

1. Laws, your stupid state has them.

Things I like about your stupid state:

1. Everything that makes it not South Dakota, excluding the aforementioned laws.

Can't Sleep

Gee, it sure has been a while since I last posted here. My life gets progressively more boring as time advances.

I thought about just grabbing some of my old junk off of the computer, but then I realize I have already posted everything that was worth noticing. This was quite a bit of stuff in upon itself, mind you, but it ran out like everything else.

Lately I have been considering death, and I have realized that it scares the shit out of me. In my youth I imagined two things, that it wouldn't happen for a long time and that it wouldn't matter because, to be fair, it's not like I would be around to miss myself.

It's that last part that has begun to frighten me. The thought of simply not existing anymore. To no longer experience, no more thought, not even the dim consciousness of my own existence that I have during sleep. Forever.

I thought about what it would be like and my mind recoiled in pain, it is such an alien thought. I don't know what not existing would be like, it is an unfathomable idea... like a color that has never been seen by humans before.

(Think of a color that has never been seen before... I'll wait.
...
...
...
I bet you thought of some sort of brown-purple, and everyone already knows what blurple looks like you stupid fuck.)

But, because there is nothing I can really do about dieing, I'll just ignore it like everything else for now.

It's almost enough to make me wanna become a Christian.

Evan is So Dumb

Because Evan didn't know what this was, I decided to do a work of public service.

"What's Opera, Doc?"





MAGIC HELMET!!!

New Link to Check Out

Go to Meatspin.

...

Actually, on second thought, you are better off not looking at it. Just, just don't.

Really. Don't look.

Oh God it is awful.

I Feel Ripped Off

Muse has recently (or at some point, I don't know when) made a music video which is clearly an homage to "The World's Greatest Cowboy, Part 6."

It is pretty cool, watch it here!

Running Out of Words!!!

Thought should type something unable gather adequite verbage.

Lethargy has zenithed.

Remix

I created a new mix cd of my music, and the thought came to me that I should take lyrics to make a poem.

(read: I was bored...)

To the first person who can find the artist/song for each lyric gets a steak or something, to be awarded when I feel like it. I would say no internet, but really much of this is pretty obscure and almost none of them are major lyrics from the songs.

Do your demons, do they ever let you go?
I don't know how I got this way, I know it's not alright.
Never did I want to be here again, and I don't remember why I came.
I will hope my soul will fly and I will live forever!

Back in my day son, a man had to pay for the wicked he done.
Finally someone let me out of my cage.
Not a prisoner, I'm a free man, and my blood is my own now.
So raise the banner, take back your bones.

I'm the new cancer, never looked better.
If you're wonderin' what it look like look at me!
I will stand my ground, won't be turned around.
And I will remain a soldier, 'till the war is won.

The wind will whisper the way it is, I'm going to happen.
I don't think you trust in my self-rightous suicide.
Take second best, put me to the test.
In the name of God my father I'll fly!

Come and make me holy again.

One-Upmanship

Subject:
Many Thanks & May Allah blessing remain with you.
Date:
3Jul06 6:58am
Attn: Director / C.e.o,
I am contacting you for an urgent assistance to mobilize a business
transaction and further to have explicit investment information about your
country from you. I got your information from my incarcerated husband's
file.
I am Princess Fayad W. Bolkiah, the wife of Prince Jefri Bolkiah, former
Finance Minister of Brunei, the tiny oil-rich sultanate on the Gulf Island.
I will save your time by not amplifying my extended royal family history,
which has already been disseminated by the international media during the
controversial dispute that erupted between my husband and his stepbrother,
the sultan of Brunei Sheik Muda Hassanal Bolkiah.
As you may know from the international media, the sultan had accused my
husband of financial mismanagement and impropriety of US$14.8 Billion
dollars. This was as a result of the Asian financial crisis that made my
husband's company Amedeo Development Company and government owned Brunei
Investment Company to be declared bank-rupt during his tenure in office.
However my husband is in jail now, his bank accounts and private properties
including a crude oil export refinery have been confiscated by the
sultanate.
Furthermore, during this unfortunate period I was advised to evacuate my
immediate family outside the sultanate to avoid further prosecution from
the sultan and his security operatives, but luck ran against me on my
attempt to escape. I am now kept under house arrest by the Sultan and I
have no access to a phone but I have a Palm V hand-held computer from which
I am sending you this mail.
Before my In-castration, I went ahead to dispatch the sum
of US$20,500,000,00 (Twenty Million Five Houndred Thausand United States
Dollars) in cash
under special arrangement into the custody of different Private security
and Trustee Company for safe keeping abroad. This action was on the orders
of my husband to me to enable us start a new life. The money was insured
and deposited in the custody of the security firm in ERUOPE.
Hence I seek your good assistance to invest these funds into profitable
investment in your country to facilitate future survival for my
family abroad. I have decided to offer 20% of these funds to you as
compensation for your strong cooperation.
Please I count on your absolute confidentiality, transparency and trust
while looking forward to your prompt reply towards a swift conclusion of
this business transaction. If you write back, I will then give you the
details of whom to meet in EUROPE, for the completion of
the transaction in confidence.
Many Thanks & May Allah blessing remain with you.
I remain yours sincerely,
Princess Fayad .W. Bolkiah.
N.B: Always reply me through my alternative address:fayadbolkiah28@yahoo.co.uk

(Surpringly well written, still faker than shit. Also, 20% of the funds? Usually they at least give 40... oh well, what do you expect from a princess...)

Also, what the hell is "in-castration?" It sounds painful.

Idle Thoughts

Did you know that old men with cowboy hats have an insatiable desire to comment on how large I am? Mostly it is a "no shit" sort of comment. The one where they look at me and say something to the effect of "Gee, you are tall!"

Here are some of the other things they have said:
"You are as big as a horse!"
"I bet you had a hard time at school. People like to pick on the big guy, because when a little guy starts something with the big guy he is a hero... but more often then not the big guy wins and nobody cares."
I have been called, "Mongo Jr."

And my favorite, "You don't look like a forklift, but you are definitely big enough!"

All of this has been consistently from older men (40-60 years old, rough estimate) wearing cowboy hats. It is significantly less likely that I will receive a comment about my size from someone who does not meet those two criteria.

I am currently taking suggestions on why this may be (please leave as comments, serious ideas need not apply). My best guess is that they are rodeo/ranch folk, so people my size are a valued commodity and they probably wish their sons were as big as I am.

I'm just glad there are people around to make sure I remember I'm big, because I can't remember things like that on my own.

What else...

Oh yea, one of my "deep" (lol) thoughts for the month has been, "if I had three wishes, what would I wish for." A long time ago in my high school creative writing class we had to write out what we would wish for and why. At the time I wrote that I would wish for a really good dog or a magic AK-47 that never ran out of bullets, things that are useful and hard/impossible to find.

I filled the rest of the page with a rant about people who wish for money, love, etc. (the usual wishes I knew the rest of my class would write about). Basically, I felt that if you had any sense you would (a) wish for the means to attain those things so if they ever ran out you have the ability to get more and (b) were cheating if you actually wished for that sort of thing.

I mean, really, money isn't worth half as much if you don't earn it. That doesn't mean I won't buy lotto tickets, but wish for something meaningful and you can get money through it. "I wish I was a great inventor," for example. At least then you are doing good for the world at the same time. This goes quadruple for the 'love' wishes, and many wish-based television shows have even acknowledged that wishing to force people to love you is just plain bullshit and is against the rules.

World Peace is a bullshit wish. Much of the progression of mankind will depend on how we work out this sort of thing, so wishing away such a huge problem like that is probably a bad idea in the long run. Also, war has its uses...

I still consider the immortality wish. I'm not sure if I would want it or not... But that is a discussion I don't feel like typing out now...

I've considered what I would want to wish for now, and haven't progressed much from when I was a teen.

1. I wish that I had a magical rifle that never ran out of bullets. (I no longer want an AK, but haven't thought up a new breed to replace it.)
2. I wish that I had a really good dog who would last as long as I do.

But here's the new one.

3. I wish that I will always have as much strength as I need.

This one is actually a magic power my brother gave to a character in one of his stories, and I thought it was a really cool idea. It's not, "I wish I were really strong," or even " I wish I was the strongest entity on earth." I would just have an inner reserve so there is always a little more.

Now you see why these two thoughts are connected.

Assuming you had to wish by the rules I laid out (things that were either normally impossible or extremely rare, none of that "Get Out of Effort Free!" cheating!) what would you wish for?

Consumer Whore

Hello gentle reader,

Today I bring to you a music recommendation so that Downtown Records might grow corpulent upon your hard earned money.

The album in question is St. Elsewhere by a mysterious pseudonym "Gnarls Barkley" which hides Danger Mouse and some guy named Cee-Lo. Some of you might recognize Danger Mouse's name from the Danger Doom album much plugged by my fellow whores, Adult Swim.

I really enjoyed most of the songs on this album, and you should at least give it a glance through a downloading service or the music samples available at the above Amazon.com link, I think you'll enjoy him to.

My favorite songs are probably "Go Go Gadget Gospel" and "Crazy." And my favorite line is, "I can do a dance that will make the sky cry blood!" Which comes from "Storm Coming."

Check it out.

(Links stolen blatantly from Amazon.com's samples.)

Daydreams

I often catch myself daydreaming during long periods of boredom. The eight hour drive to or from school often leaves me open to think.

Usually my daydreams are horrifically violent, often involving me heroically killing a small army of assailants. Things like, "What would I do if armed gunmen attacked the student center if I were in ."

My most recent one is what I would do if a number of gunmen (terrorists with a bomb, counterstrike-style) attacked Lowes, and I had to defend it using only the resources available to me in my department.

Generally this means using the gardening tools to ambush a lone gunman or small group and scavenge their weapons. "Gardening tools" meaning a variety of axes and sledgehammers, or possibly a fouchard. I wonder what I could do with a rake...

In the end it just makes me wish we had gasoline in my department so I could use a chainsaw (or even the super cool Chainsaw-on-a-stick!).




God I'm bored.

Hooray For Nigeria

For some reason the UMM website has died horribly. Before that happened, I got this
peice of email, which I saved because, well, it was special.


GREETINGS TO YOU
MAY THE BLESSINGS
OF GOD BE WITH YOU
AS YOU READTHIS MAIL.
EMAIL:motherhannah111@yahoo.com
I am mother HANNAH, a widow to late ANDREW GABRIEL, I am 60 yrs
old, I am now a newchristian convert, suffering from long time cancer
of the breast, fromall indication my condition is really deteriorating
and it's quiteobvious that I won't live more than ten months,
According
to mydoctors. This is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very
bad
stage .My late husband killed during the U.S raid againstterrorism in
Afghanistan, and during the period of our marriage we hada 23 yrs old
son
who died in an auto crash three years ago.
My latehusband was very wealthy and after his death i inherited all
hisbusiness and wealth. The doctor has advice me that I may not live
formore than then months, so i now decided to devide the part ofthis
wealth, to contribute to the development of the chruchin
africa,America,Asia and also in europe.
I prayed over it. I amwilling to donate the sum of Fifteen million
United State Dollars(USD$15,000,000) to the less privileged. Please I
want you to note thatthis fund is lying in a security company and upon
my instruction, myattorney who presently is in NIGERIA where the fund
is
deposited,will file in an
application for the transfer of the money in yourname.
Lastly, I honestly pray that this money when transfered will beused
for the said purpose, because I have come to find out thatwealth
acquisition without christ is vanity. May the Grace of our LordJesus
the
love of God and the fellowship of God be with you and yourfamily. I
await
your urgent reply.
Yours In Christ.
MOTHER HANNAH GABRIEL


Just brings you to tears, doesn't it? I mean, this poor woman is dieing of cancer, is a devout christian, and has a
huge sum of money that needs to be transferred from nigeria.
I think the pun that the fund was 'lying' in a security fund was unintentional...
This letter raises so many questions because they try to hit every heartstring of the individual it was intended to scam.
1. This lady is dieing. Hah! Take that!
2. This ladies' husband was killed in the war on terror. Her son in a tragic auto accident.
3. This woman is a Christian.
Now, what the fuck is an millionaire doing fighting in the armed services?
How old are these people that one is dieing of cancer and they have a 23 year old son? She says 60! Now, unless she was robbing the cradle with her millionaire soldier husband, that means that the military sent a 60ish year old man into combat...
At first I thought, huh, this is odd. Then "Nigeria" suddenly appeared to put all the info into context.
Even without knowing the Nigerian scam deal, what the fuck would her lawyer (and the savings of an honest American soldier) be doing in Nigeria of all places?

How stupid are people?

I think the worst part of this one is that it is an offer to have the money donated in your name to charity, which I assume involves my bank account info. Now, the other Nigerians at least have the decency to offer a cut which I probably won't receive. Fucking my name on a charity to build churces for Nigerians! WOO!

Besides, why doesn't she want her name on the donation? Or even why not give an anonymous donation?

Also, "I have come to find out thatwealthacquisition without christ is vanity."

What the fuck does that even mean? Do I need Jesus as my business partner? I already let Jesus into my heart and his cat ruined the place, I don't think I want him in my office.

(I didn't think the Jews were that vain, btw...)

I get a lot of Nigeria-themed emails, anyway.

This got me thinking, I want a job that uses my major, right? These Nigerians need help with their English language usage and the believability of their terrible lies... you see where this is going.

From a moral standpoint, the true victims of these types of scams are stupid people. I, on the other hand, very much hate stupid people. Often I find that stupid people are cause of grief in my life. Because of this, I think that scamming them would actually be compensation for this grief. Really, I am only getting what is fair to me.

Anyone know where they take applications?


p.s. Even if I all of this were real, there are enough churches named after some guy named Patrick.

In Other News

Turns out I had left comment moderation on. Not sure when I had turned it on to begin with... probably trying to find some way to remove spam...

Oh well.

I will start work in the "lawn and garden" department, doing something. Probably sales rep and something that involves a forklift.

The more time I spend thumb-twiddling at home the more I wish I were back at school.
The more time I spend doing homework at school the more I wish I were back at home.
Go figure.

Um... what else...

I dunno... more to come.

Hooray!

Well, barring the occurrance that I turn out to be a criminal or a drug addict I have a job with Lowes, which means I will very suddenly be much less fun.

Of course, it will take them another week and a half to run all the checks...

Oh well.

I Think This Is Cool

Lordi!

This is a link to the Finnish heavy metal band "Lordi" who recently won the Eurovision Song Contest. It was fairly surprising due to the fact that they are fairly similar to GWAR, only with musical talent. Lots of bizarre costume involved.

Here are links to music videos of some of their better songs.
Hard Rock Hallelujah
Would you Love a Monsterman?
Blood Red Sandman

My favorite is "Blood Red Sandman." I think. "Monsterman" was pretty good too... deciding things is hard.

Check them out.