I am the World's Greatest Cowboy- PT2

If you haven't read part 1 yet, click here! http://gshymnal.blogspot.com/2005/05/i-am-worlds-greatest-cowboy.html

If you have, yay!

Now, where was I? Ah, yes...

So, I rode New Tex down into the town and he lowed discontentedly as we passed the leering buildings and their worn facades. In the darkened windows I saw phantom figures shuffle about. There wasn't nobody on the street, and that worried me further. I could hear sounds coming from down the dirt road, however, so I down that dusty path and saw what I was lookin' for. There was a bright red building with "GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS!" stenciled on the marquee. The way I figger it, where they sell women they sell hooch. Either way, I could tell that that was where the noise was comin' from, so I'd have to check it out anyhow.

I kicked New Tex to trot a little faster, and we continued down the road. I noticed that all the buildings looked worn out, like everybody left a long time ago. I began to wonder if this town wasn't deserted entirely, save for whoever was in the saloon. Later I would find out that I was half right, and half wrong. But I'm gettin' ahead of myself.

I tied up New tex on the post in front of saloon and stood out its doors for a minute. "Hey Jude" was being played on the piano inside and I could hear cups clattering and people talking. The stink of death and vomit wafted out of the building. Yup, it is a saloon alright. I stepped in.

Inside there must'a been six people in there, not countin' the barkeep. They didn't pay me no mind when I sat down and plunked a dollar on the table. The barkeep brought be a bottle of fine whiskey without so much as askin' what I wanted to drink. That's how you tell you've got a good'un, when he can tell what you drink by the look of you. I thanked him and he thanked my dollar and walked back to some other customer or somethin'. I don't know because at that moment a right pert redhead came and sat on my lap. She was mostly leg, and what wasn't leg was titty.

She smiled at me and began to say somethin' about how handsome I was. I didn't listen too much because I was busy thinking filthy things about her breasts. I'm sure if you had spent the last week with a bunch of men who were slightly less attractive than the cattle they drove and was nearly sodomized by several swarthy men you'd do the same thing. Anyway, just about when she had her cooch unveiled in my mind she asked if I'd like to go up to her room. Well, somethin' told me this wasn't right because the last time a woman found me attractive I had to give her five dollars up front. Anyway, I took a swig of whiskey and followed her up. None of the customers seemed to notice me still.

Well, we got up there and I sat down on the bed. Well, she began to talk again and that caused her boobs to jiggle hypnotically so I didn't catch what she said, but I think it was bad because she suddenly grew fangs. Somewhere in the background "Hotel California" began to play. I realized I was about to be killed by a vampire and that she would turn me into one of her cursed spawn like those poor suckers down there. Now, I know what you are thinkin'- How could we be listening to Hotel California if the Eagles didn't exist until the mid to late 20th century. Well, vampires have magical radios that play them music from whatever era they so please so that they don't get bored, "Ipods" or something like that. Evil magic. Anyone who knows anything about vampires could tell you this.

Anyhow, I rolled off the bed just before she jumped on me and pulled out my gun while takin' another swig of whiskey. I shot her in the head a few times and wondered if I should grope her while she was stunned. I decided it would probably be a bad idea so I started running. I put a few holes in her minions downstairs on the way out, but I made sure I didn't shoot the bartender. He seemed nice.

I bolted through the saloon doors and started to reload my revolver, waiting for the army of the undead to come storming out of every building in the town. I figgered she had managed to kill or convert everyone in this town. Well, they started pourin' out in droves and I started shooting heads off left and right as I backed my way to New Tex. I looked around and counted maybe fourty of them total.

I figgered I was right fucked.

I kept shooting and tried to see if there was somewhere I could hide out from the horde. I hopped up on New Tex and shot a ghoul who was about to claw my leg. At this point they had pretty much surrounded me and were it not for the fact that my colt army had as many shots as I needed for cinematic value I would have been toast right there. Well, I saw that at the end of the street there was an old abandoned church. I kicked New Tex into high gear and we plowed our way through those fuckers like you wouldn't believe.

Imagine if you will, the running of the bulls. Now make it just one bull with a four foot wide set of horns. Now make the people not running, but instead clusterfucking in front of the bull. Now put a madman with a pistol on top of that bull. Yea, something like that. I'm pretty sure New Tex had a bit of a headache by the time we got to the church. He plowed through the doors and I thought we would be safe.

Then I realized this was a Catholic Church, meaning that God had no authority here and the nearest Pope was too far away to be much help. The holy water had dried up, but I was sure there was some good wine somewhere for when I finished killing them all. But I needed a plan.

Well, apparently I couldn't think of a new plan so I just rode New Tex back through them shooting heads as fast as I could. Then I turned him back around, reloaded, and did it again. Well those bastards did hoot and screech right fierce, but by the time our two man stampede was done with them there wasn't a whole lot left except a pile of muddy, rotten flesh and a few animate hands crawling around comically. (There is a law requiring this joke to be used at least once in every instance of undead attacks.)

Well, I let out a whoop of victory about the same time the Vampire regained herself enough to come after me again. She came screechin' and flying down at me and I had to start reloading quick. I didn't know how long I could hold her off with my pistol, and I was fresh out of stakes. I took a moment to swig some more of the whiskey, it helps. Also, Vampires fly pretty slow, so it wasn't as dramatic as you might be thinkin'.

Anyway, I started shooting but she dodged pretty easy. So we had to Kung-Fu fight! She was quick and strong, like the rest of her breed, but I was an expert at Mongolian Shadowboxing. But I don't want to bore you so long story short I managed to impale her through the heart on New Tex's horn. New Tex didn't seem to happy about this but I didn't have a whole lot of options.

I went back to the bar to see if I had left any survivors and to see if I couldn't find anything worth stealin'. The bartender gave me some really great Jaeger and a few bucks to thank me for freein' him. (The undead make horrible drinks, mind you, so they kept him normal.) The last I saw of him he was high tailin' it off to New Mexico.

It was at this time I realized I had a scratch on my leg. Not anything fatal in itself, but it was already turning yellow from the ghoul's corrupting touch. If I didn't find a healer soon I'd end up one of them. I poured some whiskey on it for good measure and kicked New Tex into gear. I wondered if them Indians know anything about healin' this shit.

"I guess I'll find out." I said to New Tex and the unhappy vampiress. I think I'll name her Bitchy Tex until I think of something better.

WILL THE COWBOY FIND HELP IN TIME? WILL NEW TEX EVER GET THE VAMPIRE OFF HER HORN? WILL I EVER STOP WRITING THIS DRIBBLE? FIND OUT NEXT TIME IN "I AM THE WORLD'S GREATEST COWBOY!" EPISODE THREE!"