Laundry Takes a Long Time

1) Put your iTunes or other music player on Shuffle
2) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT (this is in capital letters, so it must be very serious. No hiding your showtunes, folks!)

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Everything’s Just Wonderful –Lily Allen (I felt this was a good start.)

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Wolves (Song of the Shepherd’s Dog) –Iron and Wine (Woof?)

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Faithful -Common (Not terribly deep.)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Live This Life –Big & Rich (I'm not terribly deep either, though.)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Let’s Go Kill That Bastard –Damon Albarn (Surprised?)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
We are the Champions -Queen (Who's this "we?")

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Voodoo -Godsmack (Nobody can describe the nature of my charm...)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Wonderboy –Tenacious D (Is what they think of me. Really!)

9) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots –The Flaming Lips (I'm pretty serious about daydreaming.)

10) WHAT IS 2+2?
Dueling Banjos (Yerp. Shore is.)

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Only Women Bleed –Alice Cooper (Current events... anyone?)

12) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Wanted Dead or Alive –Bon Jovi (I don't think I like where that one is going...)

13) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Long Train Running –The Doobie Brothers (GET IT!? GET IT?! HAHA! GodIhatethiscrap...)

14) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head -Gorillaz (And how!)

15) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Chase the Devil –Max Romeo (No comment. ;-) )

16) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Outside -Staind (I sleep in the yard 'cause I pee on the rug!)

17) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Welcome to Hell –Trace Adkins (I am more optimistic than this...)

18) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Immigrant Song –Led Zeppelin (BECAUSE I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!)

19) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
American Woman –Guess Who? (Hottt!)

20) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Necromancer –Gnarls Barkley (No, I'm the resurrection and the life!)

21) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not Big –Lily Allen (I'm the biggest, that's why I'm the boss!)

Stanza 6 of the Song of the Patrick

Patrick's a man who thinks with his gut,
Feeding him well will put him in rut,
But don't think he's a man who cares only for lust,
Who's love will end when he can't see your bust.
Patrick is kind, and Patrick is loyal,
So feed him dessert and he'll make you a Boyle.

Ehf

Most of my creative energy is going here. Go look.

I Has a Sad

The Story of Shonk (Traditional, notation by Gunslinger)

Well, I don't have any good stories that are about me conjured up right now... so I guess I'll tell you the story of Shonk, the Ork deity of Fertility. I don't recommend anyone actually read it.

Now, as we all know, orks do not have a traditional female fertility goddess representing the earth/harvest/etc. This is because orks do not believe in fertility. They believe in potency.
It is widely believed among the ork tribes that if a man is potent enough, he can impregnate anything. This results in some rather unfortunate contests among the younger male orks.
Central to this belief is the myth of the potency-diety Shonk, or his full name, Shonk-Wag-Thrakka. (Thrakka being the traditional appillation for ork warrior males.)

This is how it is told:

SHAAAAG! (This gets the attention of the crowd, and also challenges any listeners to one-on-one combat for the right to tell the best story.)
Sorry, it goes...
SHAAAAAG! I am telling you weaklings now the story of Shonk! Yes, SHONK! He is much more better than all of you!
There was a time, long ago, before the earth gave birth to the mountains, and the trees were from the soil, and the streams and lakes and animals walked the land.
During this time there were but the few First Orks (gods), trying to take their lands and defend them from the Dwarves and Elves and Humens. They struggled and toiled, all of them but Shonk.
While the other Firsts were busy building and fighting and crafting Shonk was busy hiding behind what we now call the Shonkbush (trans: bananna tree).
The other First would call to him.
"Shonk!" They would cry. "Shonk! Come lift this!"
"Shonk!" They woudl yell. "We need another spear to the line!"
"Shonk!" They would howl! "GET YOUR WORTHLESS ASS FROM OUT BEHIND THAT SHONKBUSH OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL CUT THAT FREAKISHLY DEFORMED DONG OFF OF YOU!"
And that is why Shonk hid behind the bush.
Because, you see, Shonk was the most potent ork to ever live.
Not like you.
Weakling.
Shonk had a massive peice, twice the length of the longest spear.
But this was the early times, before he knew he was special.
All he saw was his giant penis, so very different from the other orks.
And he was sad, and shamed, and they would make fun of him.
Well, one day, Auraka (The ork godess of winemaking/drinking/vomiting) was bent over, crushing the various berries she used to make the early spirits drank by the First to ease their thirst in battle and labor, and sitting around doing nothing when they could.
Shonk, unaware, stared at her shapely, thick legs and was quite taken with the sight.
Suddenly, he fell over and passed out.
All was black.
All was warm.
When he awoke, he found Auraka curled up next to him, quite asleep and smiling.
For you see, he had such a mighty erection there was no blood left for his brain, and although he suceeded in spearing the Firstess of Wines he had no way of knowing it.
But she did.
And from this day Auraka is credited with inventing sex and having the first ork child who is not important and nobody liked that much anyway.
This should remind you of yourself, wealkings. SHAAAAG!
Well, Auraka told all the other First of what had happened. The amazing sensation and the miraculous growth inside of her body.
Well, all of the other first wanted this to happen to them to.
Now Shonk was quite harassed! He cowered behind the Shonkbush as all the First gave up their duties to demand him repeat his preformance with Auraka.
But he could not, because he didn't remember what he did.
Well, many days passed after the First finally stopped hounding Shonk and went back to their various crafts. And it took these many days for Glor to hear what had happened.
Now Glor was a smart ork. (In fact, Glor is the toungeless ork god of knowledge.)
Not like you.
And he knew exactly what happened.
Of course, as we all know, he couldn't tell anyone what the phenomenon was.
So, to help things along, Glor slowly, always slowly, came down from his cave high on the mountain and found Carloa. (The ork godess of curvey things orks like.)
He took her to the Shonkbush that Shonk hid behind all day and, ripping off her few ragged furs, whistled for Shonk's attention.
Shonk's aim was not as miraculous as the first time.
But he was out cold, and in timber form.
This is all Glor needed.
First Carloa made the second child, who was a little more liked than the first but still insolent.
But Glor had other ideas for the unconcious Shonk.
He called all the First back to the Shonkbush.
Even the men.
Especially the men.
Because Glor had a theory.
Theory is big word for idea.
Real good idea.
Better idea than you have.
Fuck you.
Shaaag.
Where was I?
Ah.
First to go was Porgon.
Glor tripped him, and as he fell his ear was penetrated by Shonk.
From this penetration came a thought.
And Porgon went on to make steel.
Next was Teekagkh. He did not fall for Glor's trickery, but he wanted something as well.
He searched his body for a place to put Shonk, and eventually put him in his belly.
From this burst the dog, our always hungry friends.
Teekagkh died.
But nobody liked him anyway.
Much like you.
The dogs ran off.
Someone got them back I imagine.
The day continued like this while Shonk was unconcious.
Each of the First was given something by Shonk.
And when he awoke everyone loved him, and nobody made fun of his redicoulous wang.
And the other Thrakkas all envied this Shonk-Wog.
Because the women ork liked his wang.
And for the first time, the Ork people knew why it was good to be hung well.
But not all was well.
For now every time someone wanted something it was "Shonk stick it in this! Shonk slap it on that!"
Shonk had no time to sit underneath his beloved Shonkbush and eat the delicious Shonkberries that grew on it.
What was Shonk to do?
Eventually it came to him, and he want out and came to the world.
Shonk got roaring drunk and penetrated EVERYTHING!
SHAAAG!
And from his union there came the mountains, and the trees, and the beasts from the ground, and rivers from oceans, and all that you see before you.
and eventually the other First shouted, "SHONK! Stop! There is too much! We have all we can ever need!"
And so Shonk passed out under a Shonkbush.
And so, idiots, that is why we must be respectful of this world, and see that we don't use too much, so that Shonk can rest his weary pecker.
And now you know, that if you are potent enough, anything can get pregnant.
SHAAAGAKKA!

Thought for the Day

If the ways of the world truly trouble you, then change them.
You are no less the hand of God than the miracles crafted by angels on high, and I imagine your works might be more frequent.

-From Tyrus Peace's "Not Included"

Miracle in the Machine, pt. 1 (Or: My Life if My Life Were Interesting, Part the First)

I sat on the train, swaying in my seat to the soft rolling motion of the chassis as its wheels bounced off the joints in the rail. Looking up at the gauges, I saw that we weren't making track speed.

"Train!" I shouted, "Speed up Train, we're falling behind."

My curse was inaudible over the huffing and chuffing of the engine's hot breath.

"Train goddamn you go faster!" I yelled again as I beat on the wall with a wrench. After a few more solid whacks echoed through the interior of the cab something stirred.

"What's the matter, Patrick?" Train said sleepily. The windows in the engine began to mist as a drooping mouth next to the gauges began to speak. A thin trickle of steam poured out between its lips, as though it were exhaling a cigarette. It bore with it a muted smell of diesel and flame, locomotive breath. I didn't really notice anymore.

"Train," I said calmly, "You fell asleep again, pick up the pace or we won't make it to the St. Paul depot in time." I tried to seem relaxed, Train was easily upset if it thought you were angry at it. You'd think somewhere in its several hundred ton frame they'd have put in a brain more complicated than a five-year-old's. Then again, it didn't take much thought to be a train.

"Okay Patrick." Train replied, its gruesome brass lips somehow curving into an idiot smile. The cab jolted as Train picked up speed, snapping the freight cars it was dragging. "Sorry Patrick," It mumbled.

I opened a window to let the interior air out. We sat in silence as I watched the thin strands of rusted steel the guided us glitter in the sunset. They looked like twin strands of fire cutting into the snow.

"Patrick?" The cab felt like a steamroom again.

"Yes, Train?"

"Are you upset with me?"

Oh no. I thought to myself. Not this talk again. "No Train, why would I be?"

"I fell asleep again Patrick... I don't mean to, it's just... I get so tired out here, far away from the Center."

"I know Train, it's OK, we'll get you back soon enough. Then you can get all filled up and rarin' to go."

There was another pause, and then, "Patrick?"

"Yes Train?"

"Do you like me, Patrick?"

I was startled for a moment. I can't say I expected that question, in fact, I'm pretty sure all PantheoCorp equipment was devised to avoid personal relationships with the end-user.

I tried to keep my voice warm. I wasn't sure if I was tired or if the part of my mind that usually handled these moments had finally given out. Don't take me the wrong way, I wasn't angry, or even frustrated with Train's seemingly bottomless pit of moments like this. It all just seemed so... so... Well, its a pretty stupid scenario, you know? "Yes Train," I said, "I like you."

The headlight-eyes shone a little brighter. The thick brass lips held their ugly smile.

"I like you too Patrick."

"That's, that's great Train."

Another mile chugged by.

"Patrick?"

"Yes, Train."

"I like being a Train."

"Good," I muttered. I then sighed and shook my head.

I hate my job.