I Has a Sad

The Story of Shonk (Traditional, notation by Gunslinger)

Well, I don't have any good stories that are about me conjured up right now... so I guess I'll tell you the story of Shonk, the Ork deity of Fertility. I don't recommend anyone actually read it.

Now, as we all know, orks do not have a traditional female fertility goddess representing the earth/harvest/etc. This is because orks do not believe in fertility. They believe in potency.
It is widely believed among the ork tribes that if a man is potent enough, he can impregnate anything. This results in some rather unfortunate contests among the younger male orks.
Central to this belief is the myth of the potency-diety Shonk, or his full name, Shonk-Wag-Thrakka. (Thrakka being the traditional appillation for ork warrior males.)

This is how it is told:

SHAAAAG! (This gets the attention of the crowd, and also challenges any listeners to one-on-one combat for the right to tell the best story.)
Sorry, it goes...
SHAAAAAG! I am telling you weaklings now the story of Shonk! Yes, SHONK! He is much more better than all of you!
There was a time, long ago, before the earth gave birth to the mountains, and the trees were from the soil, and the streams and lakes and animals walked the land.
During this time there were but the few First Orks (gods), trying to take their lands and defend them from the Dwarves and Elves and Humens. They struggled and toiled, all of them but Shonk.
While the other Firsts were busy building and fighting and crafting Shonk was busy hiding behind what we now call the Shonkbush (trans: bananna tree).
The other First would call to him.
"Shonk!" They would cry. "Shonk! Come lift this!"
"Shonk!" They woudl yell. "We need another spear to the line!"
"Shonk!" They would howl! "GET YOUR WORTHLESS ASS FROM OUT BEHIND THAT SHONKBUSH OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL CUT THAT FREAKISHLY DEFORMED DONG OFF OF YOU!"
And that is why Shonk hid behind the bush.
Because, you see, Shonk was the most potent ork to ever live.
Not like you.
Weakling.
Shonk had a massive peice, twice the length of the longest spear.
But this was the early times, before he knew he was special.
All he saw was his giant penis, so very different from the other orks.
And he was sad, and shamed, and they would make fun of him.
Well, one day, Auraka (The ork godess of winemaking/drinking/vomiting) was bent over, crushing the various berries she used to make the early spirits drank by the First to ease their thirst in battle and labor, and sitting around doing nothing when they could.
Shonk, unaware, stared at her shapely, thick legs and was quite taken with the sight.
Suddenly, he fell over and passed out.
All was black.
All was warm.
When he awoke, he found Auraka curled up next to him, quite asleep and smiling.
For you see, he had such a mighty erection there was no blood left for his brain, and although he suceeded in spearing the Firstess of Wines he had no way of knowing it.
But she did.
And from this day Auraka is credited with inventing sex and having the first ork child who is not important and nobody liked that much anyway.
This should remind you of yourself, wealkings. SHAAAAG!
Well, Auraka told all the other First of what had happened. The amazing sensation and the miraculous growth inside of her body.
Well, all of the other first wanted this to happen to them to.
Now Shonk was quite harassed! He cowered behind the Shonkbush as all the First gave up their duties to demand him repeat his preformance with Auraka.
But he could not, because he didn't remember what he did.
Well, many days passed after the First finally stopped hounding Shonk and went back to their various crafts. And it took these many days for Glor to hear what had happened.
Now Glor was a smart ork. (In fact, Glor is the toungeless ork god of knowledge.)
Not like you.
And he knew exactly what happened.
Of course, as we all know, he couldn't tell anyone what the phenomenon was.
So, to help things along, Glor slowly, always slowly, came down from his cave high on the mountain and found Carloa. (The ork godess of curvey things orks like.)
He took her to the Shonkbush that Shonk hid behind all day and, ripping off her few ragged furs, whistled for Shonk's attention.
Shonk's aim was not as miraculous as the first time.
But he was out cold, and in timber form.
This is all Glor needed.
First Carloa made the second child, who was a little more liked than the first but still insolent.
But Glor had other ideas for the unconcious Shonk.
He called all the First back to the Shonkbush.
Even the men.
Especially the men.
Because Glor had a theory.
Theory is big word for idea.
Real good idea.
Better idea than you have.
Fuck you.
Shaaag.
Where was I?
Ah.
First to go was Porgon.
Glor tripped him, and as he fell his ear was penetrated by Shonk.
From this penetration came a thought.
And Porgon went on to make steel.
Next was Teekagkh. He did not fall for Glor's trickery, but he wanted something as well.
He searched his body for a place to put Shonk, and eventually put him in his belly.
From this burst the dog, our always hungry friends.
Teekagkh died.
But nobody liked him anyway.
Much like you.
The dogs ran off.
Someone got them back I imagine.
The day continued like this while Shonk was unconcious.
Each of the First was given something by Shonk.
And when he awoke everyone loved him, and nobody made fun of his redicoulous wang.
And the other Thrakkas all envied this Shonk-Wog.
Because the women ork liked his wang.
And for the first time, the Ork people knew why it was good to be hung well.
But not all was well.
For now every time someone wanted something it was "Shonk stick it in this! Shonk slap it on that!"
Shonk had no time to sit underneath his beloved Shonkbush and eat the delicious Shonkberries that grew on it.
What was Shonk to do?
Eventually it came to him, and he want out and came to the world.
Shonk got roaring drunk and penetrated EVERYTHING!
SHAAAG!
And from his union there came the mountains, and the trees, and the beasts from the ground, and rivers from oceans, and all that you see before you.
and eventually the other First shouted, "SHONK! Stop! There is too much! We have all we can ever need!"
And so Shonk passed out under a Shonkbush.
And so, idiots, that is why we must be respectful of this world, and see that we don't use too much, so that Shonk can rest his weary pecker.
And now you know, that if you are potent enough, anything can get pregnant.
SHAAAGAKKA!

Thought for the Day

If the ways of the world truly trouble you, then change them.
You are no less the hand of God than the miracles crafted by angels on high, and I imagine your works might be more frequent.

-From Tyrus Peace's "Not Included"