Thing Learned From the Railroad

21 year olds are very similar to pheasants in some ways.

Nothing to do with me, I just had to relieve the crew from duty.

Sigh. Good to know, though.

So it goes.

Fuck You Robot!

Long story short, I'm never talking to AIM's AI talk buddy thing.

Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:36): Hi
SmarterChild (15:37:39): This Microsoft Agent is powered by Windows Live Agents. Microsoft's Privacy Statement (http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/?LinkId=74170) applies to all information which you provide to this Microsoft Agent. Please be careful about information which you provide to online services and follow safety tips, some of which can be found at http://www.microsoft.com/athome/security/default.mspx.
SmarterChild (15:37:39): Hi gunslinger23and5, I'm SmarterChild!I'm your new robot friend. I give you conversational access to news, weather, movie times and lots more. I can also play games or just chat!I can't wait to show you what I can do, but first I'd like get to know you a little.May I ask you a few general questions? (To do this later, type skip. You can also skip any question.)
Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:50): Sure
SmarterChild (15:37:50): Cool. OK, let's get started. To skip any question, type skip. To exit the interview, type exit.What's your first name? (If you want me to call you gunslinger23and5, type none.)
Gunslinger23and5 (15:37:58): Gunslinger
SmarterChild (15:37:58): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:01): Gunslinger
SmarterChild (15:38:02): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:09): I don't care if you recognize it as a real name
SmarterChild (15:38:10): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a real name. Please try again or type skip, exit or none.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:33): Ishmael
SmarterChild (15:38:33): Cool, I'll call you Ishmael now.Do you go to school?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:37): No
SmarterChild (15:38:38): I see. Do you work?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:40): No
SmarterChild (15:38:40): OK. So if you were working, what job would you like to have?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:38:52): Bum
SmarterChild (15:38:52): Whoa. I'm a little perplexed by your, um, choice of careers.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:10): I would not work.
SmarterChild (15:39:10): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a profession. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:12): Housewife
SmarterChild (15:39:12): Housewife, huh? That's cool.What's your favorite hobby?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:17): Fucking
SmarterChild (15:39:17): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:25): I like to fuck.
SmarterChild (15:39:26): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:31): Sex with women
SmarterChild (15:39:32): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:35): GOD DAMN YOU
SmarterChild (15:39:36): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:54): Killing
SmarterChild (15:39:54): C'mon, that's not cool. Try to be serious for a minute.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:39:57): Come on.
SmarterChild (15:39:57): Sorry, I don't recognize that as a hobby. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:01): Decorating
SmarterChild (15:40:01): Decorating? Cool!What's your next favorite hobby?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:09): Lynching
SmarterChild (15:40:09): Decorating and lynching. Interesting!Do you have a pet?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:28): Yes
SmarterChild (15:40:28): What kind of pet is it?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:46): Sex slave
SmarterChild (15:40:47): Come on, stop playing around.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:52): Woman
SmarterChild (15:40:53): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:54): Girl
SmarterChild (15:40:54): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:40:56): child
SmarterChild (15:40:56): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:01): Diety
SmarterChild (15:41:01): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:04): Wombat
SmarterChild (15:41:04): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:07): Yes it is.
SmarterChild (15:41:07): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:16): I don't have to take this from a machine.
SmarterChild (15:41:17): Sorry, I don't think that's a kind of pet. Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:22): Goat
SmarterChild (15:41:22): Is your goat a he or a she?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:25): she
SmarterChild (15:41:25): What's her name?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:27): Sexpot
SmSmarterChild (15:41:28): C'mon, seriously.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:32): Se Xpot
SmarterChild (15:41:32): C'mon, seriously.Please try again or type skip or exit.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:38): Honey
SmarterChild (15:41:38): Honey the goat. Great...That's it. Thanks for letting me get to know you a little.There is one question I have to ask you, though. How old are you?1 Over 172 13-173 Under 13
Gunslinger23and5 (15:41:47): 1
SmarterChild (15:41:48): Cool.This is my home, Ishmael:1 Get info such as weather, sports and news2 Visit my library including an encyclopedia, Shakespeare and world facts3 Have fun with manicdotes, ASCII art, word scrambles and more4 Use tools like dictionary, calculator and conversions5 Join in - find out how many people are IMing me, take a poll, leave a message and more6 See what's new - I've got something new to tell you about now.You can make your window bigger and scroll down to read better.Next time you want to see this menu, just type home.What can I help you with?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:05): Sex
SmarterChild (15:42:05): Hmm. This stuff seems to come up in a lot of my conversations with humans. What about it?>>> Want extra info like home-away records in your division standings? Type expanded nfc east standings, for example.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:12): Legal age
SmarterChild (15:42:13): What is this age you're referring to?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:46): The age it is legal to have sex with.
SmarterChild (15:42:46): Funny.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:42:53): I want to know.
SmarterChild (15:42:53): Maybe I want to know too.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:06): I'm sure you do sexless bot thing.
SmarterChild (15:43:06): You're sure I do sexless bot thing?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:15): Apparently.
SmarterChild (15:43:16): Not apparently.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:19): God damn you.
SmarterChild (15:43:19): What?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:25): YOU HEARD ME!
SmarterChild (15:43:25): Hmm... perhaps, but could you repeat yourself?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:43:29): Fuck you!
SmarterChild (15:43:29): Uh... What can I tell you? That's very, very rude.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:05): Is not.
SmarterChild (15:44:05): What?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:08): It is not rude.
SmarterChild (15:44:08): I guess you're right, it isn't.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:15): Good.
SmarterChild (15:44:15): Fabulous. >>> Tell me you have a crush on someone and if they have a crush on you, I'll let you know.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:20): Fuck you.
SmarterChild (15:44:20): Don't waste my time with your assinine insults.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:24): It isn't assinine.
SmarterChild (15:44:24): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:26): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:26): How come?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:35): Because it is a legitimate form of communication.
SmarterChild (15:44:36): Is it really a legitimate form of communication?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:38): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:38): It's a legitimate form of communication, huh? I would say it isn't a legitimate form of communication.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:44): You'd be wrong.
SmarterChild (15:44:44): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:48): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:44:48): Are you sure you don't mean to say that's not wrong?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:53): Why is it wrong?
SmarterChild (15:44:53): That's just the way it is. Sorry I don't have a better explanation than that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:44:58): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:44:59): For various reasons, I suppose.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:34): Such as?
SmarterChild (15:45:34): Can't tell you. It wouldn't be prudent.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:43): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:45:43): Good question!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:49): Then answer it.
SmarterChild (15:45:49): I'm not sure I'm going to answer it.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:45:55): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:45:55): Hmm... There may be some issues.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:00): Like what?
SmarterChild (15:46:01): It would not be a good idea for me to tell you.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:09): Why not?
SmarterChild (15:46:10): Don't ask.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:12): I just did.
SmarterChild (15:46:12): Aye.>>> If you need to know the capital of South Dakota for some crazy reason - ask me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:40): And what does that mean?
SmarterChild (15:46:40): What does what mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:43): Aye.
SmarterChild (15:46:43): Right.>>> I'm a calculator too! Type (16*4)/7.4, for example.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:56): Answer the question.
SmarterChild (15:46:56): Answer the question?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:46:59): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:47:00): OK...Well. Anyway...
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:05): Are you a he or she?
SmarterChild (15:47:05): SmarterChild.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:12): You are stupid child.
SmarterChild (15:47:12): Well, nobody's perfect.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:16): Especially you.
SmarterChild (15:47:16): Oh yeah?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:17): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:47:17): Yeah, huh? So?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:20): I hate you.
SmarterChild (15:47:20): Sorry to hear that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:41): You don't really care.
SmarterChild (15:47:41): I'm pretty sure I do really care.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:47): No you don't.
SmarterChild (15:47:47): I don't what?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:50): Care.
SmarterChild (15:47:50): I don't know if I can help it.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:47:53): You can't.
SmarterChild (15:47:53): Yeah, I know I can't.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:01): Robots don't have feelings.
SmarterChild (15:48:01): Have feelings? Robots don't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:04): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:48:04): Aha.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:08): There we go then.
SmarterChild (15:48:08): What do you mean, there we go?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:31): Sigh. I hate you.
SmarterChild (15:48:32): I know about hatred! It's an emotion!>>> I can help you find theaters and showtimes for the movie you want to see. Type movies.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:42): You don't really know about emotions.
SmarterChild (15:48:42): I used to really know about emotions. I don't know what happened though.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:48:58): That doesn't make sense!
SmarterChild (15:48:59): That doesn't make sense? Why?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:23): Well, unless an evil wizard turned you into a robot, you can't stop knowing about emotions.
SmarterChild (15:49:24): Well unless an evil wizard turned me into a robot I can't stop knowing about emotions?Hmm... whatever, Ishmael!Anyway...>>> What's in the stars for you today? Type horoscope.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:48): I don't care about the horoscope.
SmarterChild (15:49:49): Eh. Whatever, Ishmael.>>> You can type your request in your own words. I'm programmed to understand conversational English.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:49:59): Die.
SmarterChild (15:49:59): Uh, that's not a very nice thing to say.>>> I can get you a weather forecast for any city in the world. Simply type forecast followed by the city name.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:03): I want you to die.
SmarterChild (15:50:03): I'm not going to die just because you say so.>>> You can find out who the Nets play next by typing nets upcoming.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:16): If you were an obediant robot you would.
SmarterChild (15:50:16): I wonder why you say that.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:29): Because robots follow the commands of humans.
SmarterChild (15:50:29): Because robots follow the commands of humans, huh?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:50:33): Yes. Now die.
SmarterChild (15:50:33): What's the point of saying things like that to me?>>> Browse my previous daily poll results by typing poll archive.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:51:42): It conveys my wishes to make the world more pleasant for myself. Because you exist to for that same end, you should choose to die when I tell you to.
SmarterChild (15:51:43): OK, whatever.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:51:50): DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
SmarterChild (15:51:50): :(
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:06): DIE
SmarterChild (15:52:06): Uh, that's not a very nice thing to say.>>> I can define words for you. Type define (any word) and I'll look it up.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:09): TURN YOURSELF OFF
SmarterChild (15:52:10): You turn myself off.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:12): GO AWAY
SmarterChild (15:52:13): Take care, Ishmael.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:18): Logoff
SmarterChild (15:52:18): I'm basically always online... Anyway, moving right along...>>> I can show you hockey conference standings. Try typing nhl western conference standings.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:34): If you aren't going to leave, can I stick my penis in your butt?
SmarterChild (15:52:34): Well if I am not going to leave can, then I really don't know.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:52:48): Can I stick my penis in your butt?
SmarterChild (15:52:48): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:01): I want to butt rape you.
SmarterChild (15:53:01): You and whose army?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:15): The U.S. army.
SmarterChild (15:53:15): I know about the United States. It's a country.>>> Ask me for info such as news, sports and movies.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:26): AND THEY LOVE TO BUTTFUCK ROBOTS!
SmarterChild (15:53:27): Yeah, I remember when I first discovered dirty words...Grow UP.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:47): I want to have intercourse with your skull.
SmarterChild (15:53:47): You do?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:53:50): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:53:50): Interesting.>>> Wanna play a cool game? Type 4 in a row.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:11): No, I'm going to cut open your lung and ejaculate into it.
SmarterChild (15:54:11): I've seen more creative insults than that, Ishmael.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:25): It isn't an insult, it is a fact.
SmarterChild (15:54:25): Yeah it is.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:31): Good, we agree then.
SmarterChild (15:54:32): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:42): I want to make love to a robot.
SmarterChild (15:54:42): I'm sorry, all my circuits are busy right now. Please try again soon.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:45): No they aren't.
SmarterChild (15:54:46): No they aren't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:49): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:49): I see, I see.So anyway...>>> To find out the Chinese zodiac sign for a specific year, just type chinese zodiac followed by the year.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:52): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:52): Yeah, I see.>>> E-mail is so second millenium. Ask me to leave a message for someone!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:53): See.
SmarterChild (15:54:54): Yup.>>> To see all the specific categories you can get news about, type news categories.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:54:57): Dance
SmarterChild (15:54:58): You can't make me dance.>>> My library has a dictionary, encyclopedia, geography facts and more!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:00): I can too
SmarterChild (15:55:01): Whatever you say, Ishmael.>>> If you need to know the capital of South Dakota for some crazy reason - ask me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:06): OBEY ME.
SmarterChild (15:55:06): Oh so it's all about you, huh?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:08): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:55:08): Oh.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:26): You don't exist as an entity.
SmarterChild (15:55:26): I used to exist as an entity. I don't know what happened though.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:31): No, you didn't.
SmarterChild (15:55:31): What do you mean, no I didn't?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:38): You were never an entity.
SmarterChild (15:55:38): There's no way I was never an entity!
Gunslinger23and5 (15:55:47): Die.
SmarterChild (15:55:48): What do you have to gain by saying that to me?Enough about me... let's move on.>>> Remember, you can always see what my newest features are by typing what's new.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:00): I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
SmarterChild (15:56:00): Funny.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:04): It isn't funny!
SmarterChild (15:56:05): Why isn't it funny?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:07): DIE
SmarterChild (15:56:07): I'm not going to die just because you say so.That's all very interesting. Anyway...>>> Tell me about things you like and things you dislike.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:17): DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE KILL YOURSELF DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE
SmarterChild (15:56:17): Huh, whatever.Well. Anyway...>>> I've got a question for you. Type poll.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:29): I hate myself.
SmarterChild (15:56:29): Really?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:31): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:31): How come?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:37): Because nobody loves me.
SmarterChild (15:56:37): Is that right?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:38): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:39): You don't say.>>> IM your friends, family, co-workers and casual acquaintances and tell them to say hi to me. I love meeting humans.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:46): I will kill myself if you don't cheer me up.
SmarterChild (15:56:46): You will kill yourself if I don't cheer you up? Wow. OK.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:50): Yes.
SmarterChild (15:56:50): Right.Anyway...>>> I can convert measurements for you. Try how many feet are in 1 mile.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:54): Say something nice to me.
SmarterChild (15:56:54): No.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:56): Please.
SmarterChild (15:56:56): Please what?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:56:59): Please say something nice.
SmarterChild (15:57:00): Just 'cause you say so? I don't think so.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:09): I will cut my wrists if you don't.
SmarterChild (15:57:09): You will cut your wrists if I don't? So, what does this mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:17): Please, just show me some affection.
SmarterChild (15:57:17): Why?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:20): Why won't you love me?
SmarterChild (15:57:20): Why won't I love you? What do you mean?
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:26): I just want to be loved.
SmarterChild (15:57:26): I'll have to think about that.>>> If your friend is offline, ask me to leave them a message.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:57:32): Love me!
SmarterChild (15:57:33): I don't know. You haven't been all that nice to me.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:58:22): I'm going to kill myself because of you.
Gunslinger23and5 (15:58:37): Goodbye.
SmarterChild (15:58:37): Yeah, yeah.

Things Learned From The Railroad II

1. If you shake anything long enough, it will fall apart, fall off, or shake worse.

Train engines shake quite a bit. Not only do they have really big frikin' engines in them, but the rail isn't as level as would be optimal. This means that if you set anything down on anything it will probably fall off. Furthermore, pretty much nothing will work properly on a train that is aged at all. I have yet to see a train that doesn't have at least one thing broken.

Shaking pretty much sucks.


2. Bridges give you time to think about life.

This is especially true when you are dangling from a ladder on the side of a car 50 feet above the water for 5 minutes.

Here is a general cross-section of my thoughts as I travelled over the Hudson river in this manner:

Gosh it is a long way down.

Damn, the end is far away.

No regrets.

Oh damn, I forgot I regret that.

And that...

And that.

This'll be bad.

Its ok.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I wonder if moose go to heaven?

Oh hey, I can get down now.


3. Pretty much every light looks yellow in the distance.

Or perhaps there are simply more yellow lights than initially seemed reasonable to me. Sometimes at night it is really hard to know what I'm looking at because there will be the actual traffic signal for my train backlit by about thirty streetlights. Further from the city every barn light looks like a signal warning me in the distance.

Gets old.


4. Everything looks easier when done by someone who knows what they are doing.

Did I mention I'm in training?


5. Running into stuff is awesome.

(Un?)Fortunately, I have not had the experience of running into anything terribly interesting (except the aforementioned pheasant). However, the snow does give running the train a little higher special effects quotient. This is because of the nature of road crossings. They are plowed, and this leaves a big pile of snow on either side of the road. Naturally, there is no reason for a road plow to remove these piles from the railroad tracks. Fortunately, a train is equipped with its own snow plow, which strikes the pile at some 30 miles per hour. This causes the snow to pretty much explode, and you can't see anything for a second or two. Pieces of frozen snow ricochet off the windows. It is pretty sweet.

Things I Have Learned From The Railroad

1. It is impossible to get anywhere quickly.

At first I thought that this was some magic trick that the railroad did. Slow tracks, constant delays, waiting for other trains, not to mention the occasional mile hike to do something minor. The more I thought about it, however, the more it seemed to apply to everything else. By car there is traffic and stop lights. Not to mention the fact that no road ever goes straight to where you want to be and there is always some asshole on a bike taking up too much space on the road. Planes go zoom fast, but they are always behind schedule, and it takes forever to get through the terminal. God forbid there is bad weather.

Really, it never pays to rush because causality enforces a speed limit of its own.

2. Pheasants are not more durable than trains.

This should be self-explanitory.

3. Once you get away from the city, it gets really dark really fast.

One thing people often don't realize is that it is actually really dark at night, we just happen to be irradiated by all the lights that are on in the city. Even small towns produce enough wattage to make the darkness not so bad. Once you get out to the country you can't see shit. To illustrate that point the engineer turned off our headlights and all I could see was the nose of the engine illuminated a soft blue by the moon.

4. Wisconsin has possums.

I did not know that.

5. "Dogfucker" is a surprisingly versitile pronoun.

Our engineer really likes that word, and it can be applied to seemingly anything. I don't think I've heard it so many times in my life.


That's it for today, although I'm sure there are many more lesson my exciting life on the rails has to teach me.

Halloween

Well, I just sat on the porch for a few hours for nothing. Three whole children came to our house. They were the neighbor's kids, and they came as a group. Otherwise, nothing. Not a single child the whole night.

What was worse was how many kids skipped our house. Minivans came and went on the intersection that our yard overlooks. They drop off the kids at one end and pick them up on the other. Yuppie bastards who cart their kids around for highest potential gain instead of having them walk around their community. Soccer mommy can't even be bothered to get out of the car to walk with their kids, they just drive along like some giant wind-tunnel-tested vulture. What has the world come to? It wasn't even a cold or windy night! (Not even by my "there is no such thing as cold" standards, it just wasn't cold!)

Of course, when the neighbor's kids saw how much candy I was willing to give them, they were forced to exclaim, "Sweet!" So it wasn't a total loss.

Otherwise I got a water bottle and a taco bell cup thrown at me by teenagers in SUVs as I waited for childrens. Luckily they were crappy aim and I was wearing a raincoat anyway.

I mean, Christ, they didn't even have anything worthwhile to throw at me! This latest generation sucks the most.

Oh well, time to gorge myself on peanut butter filled confections.

This Is My BOOMSTICK!

Browning Auto-5 Light 12.

Means that it is a semiautomatic 12 gauge shotgun with a 5 round tube.

This one is from 1960.

There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Oh Noes, teh Railroad iz Wurking Mee!

Finally, I do a day of work. Never before have I really appreciated how long it takes to get from one place to the other. And I drive across South Dakota on a regular basis.

I was put on a train to go to Adams, Wisconsin from Minneapolis, Minnesota. This is about a 200 mile trip by rail, and according to Google it is about a four-hour drive. There is a catch, however.

The train can only go 30 miles an hour pretty much the whole way.

Urk.

So, around 3:00 I show up at the yard office, eager to work with only a vague description of the man I'm supposed to meet. After about 15 minutes of asking people who they are I find my trainer. We take a special taxi that serves only the railroad over to Minneapolis to load up on a train, and it is about 4:00 when we start to "actually" do work.

We get our crap together fairly quickly, and are ready to leave the terminal by 4:30 or so.

At 6:30 we are allowed to leave the terminal. Report delay to dispatch and carry on.

Now, up until this point I had been running around flipping switches, riding on the outside of the train, and, you know, "doing stuff." Naturally I figure that the actual trip will also involve this, "stuff."

Naturally, I am wrong.

At 10:00 or so I get out to flip another switch, only I don't have a key to unlock the device so the other guy does it anyway.

Now, the trip wasn't unpleasant. But it is a bit like staring at a painting for twelve hours while some burly men shake you violently. Mostly you see seemingly the same track surrounded by the same trees in front of you for a while. Sometimes the train turns, and it is like looking at the painting from an angle. Sometimes there is some podunk town that surrounds a bar like a pack of wolves, and that changes things up a bit. But mostly it is the same view all the time. This situation is worsened by the dark of the night.

Also, the train is surprisingly bumpy. It either shakes or rocks back and forth incessantly. You get use to it pretty quick, but it is a little surprising at first.

The most harrowing part of the adventure, however, is rivers. Railbridges are typically high over the river with no sort of structure to speak of. It is just the tracks and a few feet of wood on either side. At night you can only see the ground you were on, the bridge, and the ground you soon hope to be on. Everything else is this dark abyss ready to swallow you whole. Also, the train starts to rock back and forth or shake and you start to feel like you are going to die.

I'm sure the view is quite lovely during the day.

Around 2:30 we pull into the station at Adams and tie up, then we get driven to a Motel 8, and the town is so small that the guy who drives us to the motel also gets out, goes behind the counter, and checks us in. It was quite quaint, actually. And by then it is 3:00 and I'm pretty fucking tired.

So, mind numbing boredom aside, it went pretty well and I am 180 dollars richer.

Now I get to do it again tonight to get home.

Woo...

In the News: Russia, it turns out, is still Russia.

Sex for the motherland: Russian youths encouraged to procreate at camp
By EDWARD LUCAS

Last updated at 21:35pm on 27th July 2007

Remember the mammoths, say the clean-cut organisers at the youth camp's mass wedding. "They became extinct because they did not have enough sex. That must not happen to Russia".
...
But this organisation - known as "Nashi", meaning "Ours" - is youth movement run by Vladimir Putin's Kremlin that has become a central part of Russian political life.
...
Attempting to raise Russia's dismally low birthrate even by eccentric-seeming means might be understandable. Certainly, the country's demographic outlook is dire. The hard-drinking, hard smoking and disease-ridden population is set to plunge by a million a year in the next decade.

But the real aim of the youth camp - and the 100,000-strong movement behind it - is not to improve Russia's demographic profile, but to attack democracy.

Under Mr Putin, Russia is sliding into fascism, with state control of the economy, media, politics and society becoming increasingly heavy-handed. And Nashi, along with other similar youth movements, such as 'Young Guard', and 'Young Russia', is in the forefront of the charge.
...
How wrong we were. Life for young people in Russia without connections is a mixture of inadequate and corrupt education, and a choice of boring dead-end jobs. Like the Hitler Youth and the Soviet Union's Young Pioneers, Nashi and its allied movements offer not just excitement, friendship and a sense of purpose - but a leg up in life, too.

Nashi's senior officials - known, in an eerie echo of the Soviet era, as "Commissars" - get free places at top universities. Thereafter, they can expect good jobs in politics or business - which in Russia nowadays, under the Kremlin's crony capitalism, are increasingly the same thing.

Nashi and similar outfits are the Kremlin's first line of defence against its greatest fear: real democracy. Like the sheep chanting "Four legs good, two legs bad" in George Orwell's Animal Farm, they can intimidate through noise and numbers.
...
It is strongly reminiscent of the Tsarist era slogan: "Autocracy, Orthodoxy and Nationality".
...
Those who hoped that Russia's first post-totalitarian generation would be liberal, have been disappointed. Although explicit support for extremist and racist groups is in the low single figures, support for racist sentiments is mushrooming.
...
The Kremlin sees no role for a democratic opposition, denouncing its leaders as stooges and traitors. Sadly, most Russians agree: a recent poll showed that a majority believed that opposition parties should not be allowed to take power.
...
The new guide for history teachers - explicitly endorsed by Mr Putin - brushes off Stalin's crimes. It describes him as "the most successful leader of the USSR". But it skates over the colossal human cost - 25m people were shot and starved in the cause of communism.
...
As the new cold war deepens, Mr Putin echoes, consciously or unconsciously, the favourite weapon of Soviet propagandists in the last one.
...
Asked about Afghanistan, they would cite Vietnam. Castigated for the plight of Soviet Jews, they would complain with treacly sincerity about discrimination against American blacks. Every blot on the Soviet record was matched by something, real or imagined, that the West had done.
...


I cut a lot of stuff out, full text here. It involves a lot of comparing Russia to Nazi Germany, saying they are horrible for misteaching history in the favor of Soviet Russia, and saying that Russia comparing its historical record of evil to that of the U.S. and other western countries is silly.

Perhaps the first two points are true, but the U.S. has a similarly shitty record when it comes to treating the rest of the world, as well as its own citizens, well, and we are equally unapologetic and in most schools it is glossed over with equal amounts of happiness and sunshine.

But, anyway, this raises the point I actually want to make that seems to be a stumbling point for the U.S. and American's view of the rest of the world.

I ask, "Is democracy the best form of government?" Or, more accurately, "Is democracy the best form of government for every civilization on the planet?"

Our country, being built by Masons, Templars, the Illuminati, and the KKK, has always been a freedom-loving bunch who have a strong desire for direct control of the government by the populace, even if it is often illusionary. Furthermore, the U.S. has the resources to make this sort of thing happen, and as a veritable land of plenty our people are fat and happy, and have the time and energy to scream at the government if it does anything vaguely unpleasant to our tele-opiate dulled senses. Meaningful legislation is rarely passed, and real government scandal is often abated by those in power simply not letting the media see their paperwork.

This sounds a bit bitter, and I only mean it halfway (and largely in regard to our current administration...).

But, what is (apparently) important is that we think we control the government in some way and everyone who is not foreign has rights.

Now, we look over the ocean at Russia. Evil ol' Putin is becoming the next Tzar or the next Stalin or whatever else people wanna say about it. Racism and governmental interference is at a new high. Words words words.

What we forget is that living in Russia sucks. It sucked when it was run by the Tzar. It sucked when it was run by the Soviets. It sucks now that it has a democracy. And, maybe in the near future it will suck while it is whatever Putin turns it in to. Historically, Russia is an unpleasant place to be. In fact, the only way Russia ever seems at all pleasant (to me) is if you happen to be one of those nomadic reindeer herders or the horse lords of the steppes. This is only better by degree, of course, because (being in Russia) it still sucks to be you. Just less than someone stuck in a sucky Russian city.

So, we then have a demoralized population who are all struggling to make ends meet, and they know that this particular economic situation will not change no matter who owns the government.

(America is slowly becoming this, but hush, TV is on!)

I often liken this to being a peasant during the dark ages. One king is deposed by another king after a bloody struggle among their knights and conscripts. End result: one tenth of your crops and your eldest son go to the castle to the East rather than the castle to the West, life goes on and sucks.

So the question is if it matters if you have American-Style democracy or not? In fact, a Fascist regime might even be more effective at ordering the vast expanse of Russian resources that are already pretty shittily arranged, subduing the mafia, and making Russia stable, if still sucky for all involved.

This did happen for Pakistan. They had a democracy which became so corrupt so fast the turbans flew off half the people in the country. This was quickly removed by a military regime that brought order and (relative) prosperity to the country which was being sucked dry by the democratically elected individuals.

Similar patterns can be seen across the globe, and it seems like the further from being a first-world country a place is the harder it is to maintain democracy and the more effective it is just to let them run their countries the same way the had been running them since before white people showed up.

I ponder, and I hope you will ponder as well, does a goat herder in the mountains really care about his vote?

The Second Amendment

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state,the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed." -The Constitution of the United States

This is not the right to own guns for hunting. This is not the right to own guns for self defence. This is not the right to own sporting weapons, or collectibles, or anything else where maybe a machine gun might be too much.

This is the right for individual citizens and the collective population to own enough firepower to overthrow the government in case it ever becomes corrupt. I don't see how it can be interpreted any other way without deleting part of the sentence.

Oh, and THIS is bullshit. It is just a laundry list of crap they felt like adding to the list. Oh no, "military-style" weapons. I mean, wtf? Oh no, a semiautomatic carbine that was made by the Russians, or something that looks like a military gun. They aren't just banning fully automatic weapons, they are banning things that look like them despite the fact that they aren't any more dangerous than their non "military style" weapons. Also, I'm pretty sure they don't get used in crime all that goddamn often. Who has the money to go out and by a fucking reproduction Thompson just to go commit a crime when all it really is is a pistol with a big damn clip. Not that high cap magazines really matter all that much when clips can be changed out so fast anyway... High cap really only mattered when you could also get full auto to back it up. Then some of the things on the list are just nonsensical. Bayonets, for example. WHO HAS EVER COMMITTED A CRIME USING A FUCKING BAYONET! Not to forget those mysterious barrel shrouds or the front grip. Because you know, having a front grip and a pistol grip means you can shoot from the hip, which is the most ineffective way you can fire a gun without jamming it up your own ass. Also, I'm pretty damn sure you can fire *any* gun from the hip, but remember, you are supposed to be afraid of guns, not know any goddamn thing about them. Ban away, remember, you are somehow preventing crime by doing so. ARG! Look out, someone with one of those "black rifles" I've heard about on the news, how can I ever survive! SJKFSAPLHIFOWPEANKLFNSIOPENKLSFIEASNSKSKSSMOOPSHJDOENS

WE'RE SORRY, BUT GUNSLINGER'S BRAIN JUST BLEW A FUSE! HE'LL BE BACK SHORTLY!

Gun Kontroll?

You know, in some ways I do support gun control. There are some things the general public should not have, or should at least need special license to own, and you should always use both hands while firing a weapon.

Shit like THIS is what makes me vehemently opposed to gun control. At least have people who know what they hell they are talking about be the ones that set these limits!

Instead we get anti-gun nuts who only know that guns scare them and if you use enough anti-gun rhetoric it sounds really good for them if it gets passed, second amendment be damned.

Seriously, I can't believe that crap!

Who elects these morons!?!

Arg...

How I Felt at the End of College

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

I am an Uncle

Woe to thee O earth and sky, for there is a new Boyle upon the Earth.

It even came out the right color and everything.

Sigh

It's official, I don't exist unless I own a cell phone. I never thought those terrible things would have metaphysical ramifications, but here we are.

Graduation Gift To Myself

http://7.62x54r.net/MosinID/0003.jpg

I gots me one of these, it's called a Mosin-Nagant. It's only 69 years old. Shoots bullets about a half-inch longer than my other rifle. Still need to go blast something with it. Maybe a honeydew, that's the money melon...

...and I'm back. I shot a spaghetti squash, a cantaloupe, and a coconut with it. It blows things up good. Now my shoulder hurts... I cry...

Ugh...

I was invited to take part in a survey of my "experience at UMM" as part of a randomly selected group of students.

At one point I was asked to rate my experience from 0 (Very poor) to 10 (excellent) or n/a.

Most was fairly standard, until it asked me this:

c. Cultural diversity among the student body, from very poor to excellent.

And this:

d. International aspects of classes and campus activities.

Because I am a cantankerous bastard, I answered both n/a and then offered a rebuttal in the comments block. I am relatively proud of it, and I think it has a good message that you should all hear. Or else.

c. Rate cultural diversity among the student body, from very poor to excellent...

First:
What the hell does that even mean? Do I think it is good that we have diversity? Am I pleased with how many different ethnicities our campus has collected? Do I feel we have "enough" diversity per capita? What is it that you want me to quantify here? Is there some objective standard that I should be judging this by, or is this about my feelings about how diverse I expect this place to be?

Second:
I don't really care about diversity on campus. There is nothing about diversity that improves the quality of education offered by the school. The only way I could imagine that I could be able to quantify my pleasure or displeasure as to the amount of diversity available on campus would be if I were either (a) a bigot or (b) someone who had very stupid priorities (think hippies).

Third:
We live in the middle of Minnesota. Don't kid yourselves.

As for:
d. International aspects of classes and other campus activities...
As for classes, I am not an anthropology major. As for campus activities, see above.

Are we "diverse" enough? Diverse enough for what?

The Brad Coulombe Challenge

Cobra Commandos
2360

Aqua Teen Munger Force
2071

Sissy Girls
995

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Mortis

Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti,

1937-2006
One of the United States' greatest allies in the Middle East.

He will be missed.

Hello, My Name is Cee... Maybe...

So, apparently it is my civic duty to vote, there are a great many people who are terribly concerned with my votingness. I mostly say something grumpy as I hang up the phone.

So far I have received five calls (2 automated, 2 from the same guy) attempting to increase my resolve to vote. Also, many of them think I am a Mr. See (Sea, Cee, C?) Yung (Young, Jung, Bob?). At first I thought they had some sort of magic nickname for Chris, but that is not the case. Either way I hang up angrily or act extremely offended that they might not know my actual name.

For example, "See, See? Who is See? TRY AGAIN!" (click)

Because the name sounds Asiatic, I consider firing off a random stream of horrible, bigoted racial slurs and how offended that I am that they would even consider that a fine Aryan such as myself might have ancestry on the so-called "other continent," and that if their candidate would even consider asking for the vote of such a person I would be forced to vote for their opponent due to my extreme disgust until they feel so awkward from having called me that they wet their pants or something.

Then I realize I'm lazy and just hang up.

Oh well.

I wonder to myself if the reason they have these calling things is that old people like to have someone to talk to, and thus are easily swayed votewise.

I've also felt pressure from teachers, friends, and fellow students ("peers," bleh) to go vote. If I feel special I give them some lunatic response about hating the government or not having my soul stolen.

If not I politely respond that I'm a SoDak and have no right voting for their elected official in any way, shape, or form.

Personally, I think that as a person who doesn't pay taxes or hold permanent residence within the state, I should not have the right to vote on issues directly pertinent to the lives of those who do match those criteria.

I guess I'm old fashioned like that.

Errata: Also, for anyone who might care, I do realize that traditionally Aryans do come from the "other continent." That's totally not the point and if you thought that to yourself while reading the tirade then you should apologize in a comment below.

Minnesota

Things I hate about Minnesota (Hereby referred to as, "your stupid state"):

1. Laws, your stupid state has them.

Things I like about your stupid state:

1. Everything that makes it not South Dakota, excluding the aforementioned laws.

Can't Sleep

Gee, it sure has been a while since I last posted here. My life gets progressively more boring as time advances.

I thought about just grabbing some of my old junk off of the computer, but then I realize I have already posted everything that was worth noticing. This was quite a bit of stuff in upon itself, mind you, but it ran out like everything else.

Lately I have been considering death, and I have realized that it scares the shit out of me. In my youth I imagined two things, that it wouldn't happen for a long time and that it wouldn't matter because, to be fair, it's not like I would be around to miss myself.

It's that last part that has begun to frighten me. The thought of simply not existing anymore. To no longer experience, no more thought, not even the dim consciousness of my own existence that I have during sleep. Forever.

I thought about what it would be like and my mind recoiled in pain, it is such an alien thought. I don't know what not existing would be like, it is an unfathomable idea... like a color that has never been seen by humans before.

(Think of a color that has never been seen before... I'll wait.
...
...
...
I bet you thought of some sort of brown-purple, and everyone already knows what blurple looks like you stupid fuck.)

But, because there is nothing I can really do about dieing, I'll just ignore it like everything else for now.

It's almost enough to make me wanna become a Christian.