Thought for the Day

Women have been my trouble since I found out they weren't men.
-Waylon Jennings "A Long Time Ago."

Thought for the Day

Any sufficiently analyzed magic is indistinguishable from science!
-Studio Foglio's "Girl Genius"

The Story of Fernando, pt. 2

There was a blur of legs and Stump saw his life unfurl before his eyes. The memories were vague at first. The warmth of his mother’s soft fur. The flavor of his first truffle. Sunlight on green grass. As he became older they became more complex. Old Master Rock training them to fight the enemies of their kind. The hint of fear in his sparring partner’s eyes and he tensed to lash out with his muscular hind leg. Pain. The smell of the stinging herbs his mother chewed to a pulp and smeared on his cuts. Fern being an incorrigible ass. The bees chasing them because Fern tried to steal their honey, not to eat, but to smear on Stump to get the bees to chase him anyway. Fern proudly declaring it a half success as he pulled a sting out of his ear. The day they left home. The sorrowful look on their mother’s face.
The sudden pain in his chest brought him back to reality, and then the wolves were past them. The leader of the pack fell to the ground heavily and rolled to a stop. The pack did not slow as it closed the hole and continued the chase. Fernando and Stump were sprawled out on the ground, covered in the dirt and loose grass kicked up by the charging wolves.
Fernando coughed. “That was a fucking bad plan.”
Stump merely groaned and rubbed the spot where the lead wolf’s ankle caught him in the ribs. Eventually he said, “Hey, we took down a wolf by ourselves.” He tried to smile optimistically but inside he was worried. He had panicked. He wasn’t supposed to panic, he was supposed to fight.
“He tripped over our feeble little bodies you dunce!” Fernando shouted, hobbling over to his still prone brother. “Did you really think that we could fight one wolf, much less an entire pack?”
“Well why’d ya follow me in?” Stump winced as he spoke.
“Shut up.”

Leader was surprised as he flew through the air. He knew he tripped on something. It was soft and small, and it wasn’t there a moment ago. Now Leader was flying. In the distance he could see Interceptor moving between their quarry and the cottonwood grove. Then he rotated and all he could see was the rush of the Chasers as the dashed past him, undaunted. Leader had a moment of pleasure as he considered the relentless nature of his pack.
Then he hit the ground. There was pain, dull with pinpricks of sharp as rocks and stiff plants dug into his side. The impact beat a cloud of dust out of the dry ground that clogged his nose and mouth. Leader lay on the ground for a moment to regain his bearings. He turned towards some small noises that were coming from where he tripped. Two more like his quarry were lying on the ground. They looked like they were arguing. Leader considered killing them both, but he could feel the pack getting farther away with every moment and they were not the quarry. Leader loped away.

“Now what do you suggest we do?”
“Iunno. Go back after them?”
“What did I just say about fucking bad plans?”
“Gotta try.”

200th Post! The Story of Fernando pt. 1

Yes, I am Writing a Story about This

“My name is Fernando los Ciervos del Conejo, and it is pleasure to have the company of such beautiful does such as yourselves,” He said in the voice that drifted between silk and smoke. He inhaled through a thin roll of herbs he had meticulously sought out and collected among the prairie grasses. He smoothed the soft fur on his muzzle and twitched his whiskers just so, causing them to gleam in the sun. He had spent months practicing the motion to appear nonchalant. There was a pause as the wind blew cottonwood fluff across the clearing, and a thin wisp tangled briefly in Fernando’s stately antlers.
“And I’m Stump!” His brother declared proudly in a brassy, low voice as he popped his head over Fernando’s shoulder. He absentmindedly chewed a wad of clover, shifting it back and forth between his oversized incisors. Fernando slumped slightly, his proud features sagging to a vague look of defeat.
The rabbits they spoke to continued to chew grass and twitched their ears slightly, oblivious to their would-be suitors. One hopped a few feet away, making only the slightest shuffling noise on the soft grass.
“Maybe we should try other Jackelopes, ya’ know? Least they can speak,” Stump suggested timidly. “Maybe we should go home Fern.”
Fernando battered Stump’s face feebly with his tiny forepaws. “You will never call me that name again! I am Fernando, Fernando los Ciervos del Conejo! And no, we cannot go home, not until I find my true love!”
Stump raised an eyebrow doubtfully as one of the rabbits nibbled at a dandelion. “One of these gonna be yer true love?”
“No you foolish fool! Of course not, they are mere hares where I am a stately Jackelope. But I have the heart of a lover, and with such a heart one is cursed to seek out passion wherever he might find it.” Fernando grasped his chest as he said this, feigning a face both melancholy yet hopeful.
“So, eh, yer a slut?”
“Let’s just say, dear brother, that I am good at laying women,” Fernando said haughtily. He then hopped on top of one of the does, who was more than happy to oblige him, that being the nature of rabbits.
Stump shrugged a little rabbitly shrug, considered one of the other does briefly, and decided he was better off keeping a look-out for eagles, owls, coyotes, and every other animal that enjoyed eating rabbits, hares, and bunnies. As a Jackelope he had nothing to fear, but as a Jackelope he knew it to be his duty to protect the lower species. That, and he was simply bored with the life of “adventure” his brother, then known merely as Fern- the name their loving mother had given him- had promised him when they left their warren for the vastness of the grasslands.
A black dot appeared on the horizon, backlit against the setting red sun. As it grew nearer it grew into the unmistakable silhouette of two long ears paralleling two stumpy antlers. It was running very fast. More dots began to appear behind it. They were bigger, much bigger, and gaining on the solitary runner. Then the howling began.
“Wolves!” Stump shouted, “Goddamnit Fern pull out, we’ve got work to do!”
“Its Fernando,” he remarked absently as he moved to stand with Stump.
The howling grew louder as the chase grew nearer the two. They could see the fleeing Jackelope clearly now, his eyes were wide with terror and his coat was matted and burred from days of hard travel. The brothers began to run to him in an attempt to disrupt his numerous pursuers. The wolves were arrayed in a wall of fur and slavering fangs.
“I think we’re fucked,” was the last thing said before they collided.

Thought for the Day

Girls need attention, and boys need us.
-From "Reasons to Love You" by Meiko

Gunslinger's Hymn

Lord, You have made me strong,
Although it's my life that is the cause.
Just once I wish you'd change the world,
So I won't need it all the time.

Lord, I no longer have a purpose,

Although there are some things I do.

Just once I wish you'd aim me,

So I'd have a path to wander on.

Lord, You give me what I need,
Although there are some things I want.
Just once I wish you'd help me,
So I can be content.

Lord, I know you are with me,
Although you remain silent.
Just once do I wish you'd make an appearance,
So I won't be so sure I'm wrong.

I've lead an easy life, oh Lord.
And for that I give you thanks.
But I envy those who have more,

And I envy all my friends.
I envy those who sin, good God,

I envy them for their means and for their ends.

I thank you, Lord,

For making me a man who won't give in.

But I am a fool for wanting,

And that is your fault too.
And though I know that I should change,
I'd rather just blame you.

But please, Lord, for old times sake,
Just give me what I'm due.
I could be happy with nothing,
If I knew it was from you.

Election Coverage 2008

Congratulations Minnesota, your votes really didn't count!

I am without captain or compass.
I am without course or chart.
I am guided by nothing but a vague current,
And the knowledge that if I go far enough I may yet see a dim light.

The skies have turned red.
I may yet see the suffering shore.
I pray only to find my way.

Yep

Laundry Takes a Long Time

1) Put your iTunes or other music player on Shuffle
2) For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3) YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT (this is in capital letters, so it must be very serious. No hiding your showtunes, folks!)

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY” YOU SAY?
Everything’s Just Wonderful –Lily Allen (I felt this was a good start.)

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Wolves (Song of the Shepherd’s Dog) –Iron and Wine (Woof?)

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Faithful -Common (Not terribly deep.)

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Live This Life –Big & Rich (I'm not terribly deep either, though.)

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Let’s Go Kill That Bastard –Damon Albarn (Surprised?)

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
We are the Champions -Queen (Who's this "we?")

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Voodoo -Godsmack (Nobody can describe the nature of my charm...)

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Wonderboy –Tenacious D (Is what they think of me. Really!)

9) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots –The Flaming Lips (I'm pretty serious about daydreaming.)

10) WHAT IS 2+2?
Dueling Banjos (Yerp. Shore is.)

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Only Women Bleed –Alice Cooper (Current events... anyone?)

12) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Wanted Dead or Alive –Bon Jovi (I don't think I like where that one is going...)

13) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Long Train Running –The Doobie Brothers (GET IT!? GET IT?! HAHA! GodIhatethiscrap...)

14) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Fire Coming Out Of The Monkey’s Head -Gorillaz (And how!)

15) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I Chase the Devil –Max Romeo (No comment. ;-) )

16) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Outside -Staind (I sleep in the yard 'cause I pee on the rug!)

17) WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Welcome to Hell –Trace Adkins (I am more optimistic than this...)

18) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Immigrant Song –Led Zeppelin (BECAUSE I COME FROM THE LAND OF THE ICE AND SNOW!)

19) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
American Woman –Guess Who? (Hottt!)

20) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Necromancer –Gnarls Barkley (No, I'm the resurrection and the life!)

21) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Not Big –Lily Allen (I'm the biggest, that's why I'm the boss!)

Stanza 6 of the Song of the Patrick

Patrick's a man who thinks with his gut,
Feeding him well will put him in rut,
But don't think he's a man who cares only for lust,
Who's love will end when he can't see your bust.
Patrick is kind, and Patrick is loyal,
So feed him dessert and he'll make you a Boyle.

Ehf

Most of my creative energy is going here. Go look.

I Has a Sad

The Story of Shonk (Traditional, notation by Gunslinger)

Well, I don't have any good stories that are about me conjured up right now... so I guess I'll tell you the story of Shonk, the Ork deity of Fertility. I don't recommend anyone actually read it.

Now, as we all know, orks do not have a traditional female fertility goddess representing the earth/harvest/etc. This is because orks do not believe in fertility. They believe in potency.
It is widely believed among the ork tribes that if a man is potent enough, he can impregnate anything. This results in some rather unfortunate contests among the younger male orks.
Central to this belief is the myth of the potency-diety Shonk, or his full name, Shonk-Wag-Thrakka. (Thrakka being the traditional appillation for ork warrior males.)

This is how it is told:

SHAAAAG! (This gets the attention of the crowd, and also challenges any listeners to one-on-one combat for the right to tell the best story.)
Sorry, it goes...
SHAAAAAG! I am telling you weaklings now the story of Shonk! Yes, SHONK! He is much more better than all of you!
There was a time, long ago, before the earth gave birth to the mountains, and the trees were from the soil, and the streams and lakes and animals walked the land.
During this time there were but the few First Orks (gods), trying to take their lands and defend them from the Dwarves and Elves and Humens. They struggled and toiled, all of them but Shonk.
While the other Firsts were busy building and fighting and crafting Shonk was busy hiding behind what we now call the Shonkbush (trans: bananna tree).
The other First would call to him.
"Shonk!" They would cry. "Shonk! Come lift this!"
"Shonk!" They woudl yell. "We need another spear to the line!"
"Shonk!" They would howl! "GET YOUR WORTHLESS ASS FROM OUT BEHIND THAT SHONKBUSH OR SO HELP ME GOD I'LL CUT THAT FREAKISHLY DEFORMED DONG OFF OF YOU!"
And that is why Shonk hid behind the bush.
Because, you see, Shonk was the most potent ork to ever live.
Not like you.
Weakling.
Shonk had a massive peice, twice the length of the longest spear.
But this was the early times, before he knew he was special.
All he saw was his giant penis, so very different from the other orks.
And he was sad, and shamed, and they would make fun of him.
Well, one day, Auraka (The ork godess of winemaking/drinking/vomiting) was bent over, crushing the various berries she used to make the early spirits drank by the First to ease their thirst in battle and labor, and sitting around doing nothing when they could.
Shonk, unaware, stared at her shapely, thick legs and was quite taken with the sight.
Suddenly, he fell over and passed out.
All was black.
All was warm.
When he awoke, he found Auraka curled up next to him, quite asleep and smiling.
For you see, he had such a mighty erection there was no blood left for his brain, and although he suceeded in spearing the Firstess of Wines he had no way of knowing it.
But she did.
And from this day Auraka is credited with inventing sex and having the first ork child who is not important and nobody liked that much anyway.
This should remind you of yourself, wealkings. SHAAAAG!
Well, Auraka told all the other First of what had happened. The amazing sensation and the miraculous growth inside of her body.
Well, all of the other first wanted this to happen to them to.
Now Shonk was quite harassed! He cowered behind the Shonkbush as all the First gave up their duties to demand him repeat his preformance with Auraka.
But he could not, because he didn't remember what he did.
Well, many days passed after the First finally stopped hounding Shonk and went back to their various crafts. And it took these many days for Glor to hear what had happened.
Now Glor was a smart ork. (In fact, Glor is the toungeless ork god of knowledge.)
Not like you.
And he knew exactly what happened.
Of course, as we all know, he couldn't tell anyone what the phenomenon was.
So, to help things along, Glor slowly, always slowly, came down from his cave high on the mountain and found Carloa. (The ork godess of curvey things orks like.)
He took her to the Shonkbush that Shonk hid behind all day and, ripping off her few ragged furs, whistled for Shonk's attention.
Shonk's aim was not as miraculous as the first time.
But he was out cold, and in timber form.
This is all Glor needed.
First Carloa made the second child, who was a little more liked than the first but still insolent.
But Glor had other ideas for the unconcious Shonk.
He called all the First back to the Shonkbush.
Even the men.
Especially the men.
Because Glor had a theory.
Theory is big word for idea.
Real good idea.
Better idea than you have.
Fuck you.
Shaaag.
Where was I?
Ah.
First to go was Porgon.
Glor tripped him, and as he fell his ear was penetrated by Shonk.
From this penetration came a thought.
And Porgon went on to make steel.
Next was Teekagkh. He did not fall for Glor's trickery, but he wanted something as well.
He searched his body for a place to put Shonk, and eventually put him in his belly.
From this burst the dog, our always hungry friends.
Teekagkh died.
But nobody liked him anyway.
Much like you.
The dogs ran off.
Someone got them back I imagine.
The day continued like this while Shonk was unconcious.
Each of the First was given something by Shonk.
And when he awoke everyone loved him, and nobody made fun of his redicoulous wang.
And the other Thrakkas all envied this Shonk-Wog.
Because the women ork liked his wang.
And for the first time, the Ork people knew why it was good to be hung well.
But not all was well.
For now every time someone wanted something it was "Shonk stick it in this! Shonk slap it on that!"
Shonk had no time to sit underneath his beloved Shonkbush and eat the delicious Shonkberries that grew on it.
What was Shonk to do?
Eventually it came to him, and he want out and came to the world.
Shonk got roaring drunk and penetrated EVERYTHING!
SHAAAG!
And from his union there came the mountains, and the trees, and the beasts from the ground, and rivers from oceans, and all that you see before you.
and eventually the other First shouted, "SHONK! Stop! There is too much! We have all we can ever need!"
And so Shonk passed out under a Shonkbush.
And so, idiots, that is why we must be respectful of this world, and see that we don't use too much, so that Shonk can rest his weary pecker.
And now you know, that if you are potent enough, anything can get pregnant.
SHAAAGAKKA!

Thought for the Day

If the ways of the world truly trouble you, then change them.
You are no less the hand of God than the miracles crafted by angels on high, and I imagine your works might be more frequent.

-From Tyrus Peace's "Not Included"

Miracle in the Machine, pt. 1 (Or: My Life if My Life Were Interesting, Part the First)

I sat on the train, swaying in my seat to the soft rolling motion of the chassis as its wheels bounced off the joints in the rail. Looking up at the gauges, I saw that we weren't making track speed.

"Train!" I shouted, "Speed up Train, we're falling behind."

My curse was inaudible over the huffing and chuffing of the engine's hot breath.

"Train goddamn you go faster!" I yelled again as I beat on the wall with a wrench. After a few more solid whacks echoed through the interior of the cab something stirred.

"What's the matter, Patrick?" Train said sleepily. The windows in the engine began to mist as a drooping mouth next to the gauges began to speak. A thin trickle of steam poured out between its lips, as though it were exhaling a cigarette. It bore with it a muted smell of diesel and flame, locomotive breath. I didn't really notice anymore.

"Train," I said calmly, "You fell asleep again, pick up the pace or we won't make it to the St. Paul depot in time." I tried to seem relaxed, Train was easily upset if it thought you were angry at it. You'd think somewhere in its several hundred ton frame they'd have put in a brain more complicated than a five-year-old's. Then again, it didn't take much thought to be a train.

"Okay Patrick." Train replied, its gruesome brass lips somehow curving into an idiot smile. The cab jolted as Train picked up speed, snapping the freight cars it was dragging. "Sorry Patrick," It mumbled.

I opened a window to let the interior air out. We sat in silence as I watched the thin strands of rusted steel the guided us glitter in the sunset. They looked like twin strands of fire cutting into the snow.

"Patrick?" The cab felt like a steamroom again.

"Yes, Train?"

"Are you upset with me?"

Oh no. I thought to myself. Not this talk again. "No Train, why would I be?"

"I fell asleep again Patrick... I don't mean to, it's just... I get so tired out here, far away from the Center."

"I know Train, it's OK, we'll get you back soon enough. Then you can get all filled up and rarin' to go."

There was another pause, and then, "Patrick?"

"Yes Train?"

"Do you like me, Patrick?"

I was startled for a moment. I can't say I expected that question, in fact, I'm pretty sure all PantheoCorp equipment was devised to avoid personal relationships with the end-user.

I tried to keep my voice warm. I wasn't sure if I was tired or if the part of my mind that usually handled these moments had finally given out. Don't take me the wrong way, I wasn't angry, or even frustrated with Train's seemingly bottomless pit of moments like this. It all just seemed so... so... Well, its a pretty stupid scenario, you know? "Yes Train," I said, "I like you."

The headlight-eyes shone a little brighter. The thick brass lips held their ugly smile.

"I like you too Patrick."

"That's, that's great Train."

Another mile chugged by.

"Patrick?"

"Yes, Train."

"I like being a Train."

"Good," I muttered. I then sighed and shook my head.

I hate my job.

Thought for the Day

What would you do
to protect the love you have?
Would you kill?
Would you hunt to kill?
Would you kill without mercy?
And if you wouldn't
then how precious is your love?

-From Toby Barlow's "Sharp Teeth"

Thing Learned From the Railroad

21 year olds are very similar to pheasants in some ways.

Nothing to do with me, I just had to relieve the crew from duty.

Sigh. Good to know, though.

So it goes.

I am your friend. This is my promise.

When I think you are wrong, I will tell you.
When I don't understand, I will ask you.
When you turn to the dark, I will strike you down
And drag you back to the light.
This I promise you.

You will have my help as long as you need it.
You will have my friendship as long as it is not betrayed.
You will have my love whether you want it or not.
This I promise you.

Although my companionship may only be temporary,
Although time may drag us apart.
You have only to summon me,
And I will return.
This I promise you.

I will return with credit or cash.
I will return with pistol and axe.
I will return with a warm hug.
Whever you need, I will bring it.
This I promise you.

I am eternal.
I am inevitable.
I am your friend.
This I promise you.

You are bound by chains.

But if I asked you, "Are you free?"
You would say, "Yes,"

Because you cannot see.

They are not chains of steel,
They are not chains of tyranny,

They are not chains of obligation,

These are the chains that truly bind you.

These chains exist inside of you.
Your pride.
Your shame.
You hope.

Your pain.

They are all chains that bind the Self into servitude.

You feel as though they have power over you,
But a feeling is not desire,
A feeling is not the will.
Your hand moves by the power of your will alone.
Your voice speaks only with your consent.
You have a choice your feelings would deny you.
They howl to terrorize you into satisfying them.
They speak with honeyed words to lure you.
Your feelings lie,
And if you obey them,
They will turn hope to phosphor,
And they will turn fear to lodestone.
Your will is not free until you learn to free yourself from those chains.
You are not free until you learn to do what is right,
Even if you are scared,
Even if it feels better,
Even if you learned not to, so long ago.
You have the power to do what is right,
To do what brings peace to your heart,
To protect yourself from the real problems in your world,
And escape those conjured by the daemons to blind you.
You can break these chains,
Because in the end you have choice.
If only you can see it,
If only you knew it to be true.
You have the strength to do anything you want,
Just look past the illusion.
You could be free.
But you are bound by chains.